


Black Scorpion

by Totheendsoftheearth



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky knows he's done bad, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Reader, Fluff, Happy Ending, MK Ultra, Nat is your best friend, Project Monarch, Protective Natasha Romanov, Reader Insert, Scars, Smut, Torture, Violence, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, america had it's own red room, female but no physical attributes indicated, mentions of brain washing, mk ultra was real people it's scary, reader is angry, you and nat work as a team, you hate bucky and for good reason
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-06-09 07:25:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 68,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15262374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totheendsoftheearth/pseuds/Totheendsoftheearth
Summary: Spiders bite and scorpions sting.You are Black Scorpion working closely with Black Widow, shared pasts just different countries. You were taken as a child to be part of Mk Ultra/ Project Monarch. You come as a pair until a simple mission lands you in the hands of the winter soldier. You survive the horrors inflicted by his hands but have the scars as a permanent reminder.Steve Rogers brings a broken Bucky Barnes to live at the base despite your past. Bucky has no memories of what he did to you but you remember it all. Can two enemies come together as lovers with such a violent past?





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for kidnap tortue abuse etc etc please if anything at all may be a trigger proceed with caution.

The black limousine pulled up outside of the large, grand building. People dressed in formal attire made their way up the steps to the entrance. The whole thing oozed money and the stench of corruption hung thick already. Dimonds and designer labels dripping off of the guests. You and Natasha had yet to even enter the party but you knew already the social elite would be here. The  hired driver opened the door allowing you to swing your legs around and step out. You had to look the part, like you belonged. You smoothed down your black dress. The seductive slit showed off your leg perfectly. Classy but a hint of sexy. Perfect for a mission such at this. You nodded to Natasha who wore a black wig and you both separated but making your way to the party with forged invites in hand. Your own hair had been swept up underneath a blonde wig with bangs that helped disguise you. Inches of make up transformed you into this glamorous women. You were almost unrecognizable, which was the plan.

Mission was simple. Russian crime lord was using the party as a guise to make connections. You wanted it he could get it. Drugs, guns, girls....or boys. Anything corrupt and he had his fat fingers deep in that pie. Hell he was the one who owned the bakery and baked the pies! What was he doing with that money though? What records could be found showed money being sent to hundreds of bank accounts and the trail went cold. What was he funding with his huge wealth? The theory was Hydra. Mission was to gather as much information as you could.Tracking devices on cars or people. Record conversations. Seduce, befriend, entice. Anyway possible you and Nat were capable.  You worked great as a team. You smiled at one memory in particular. A politician thought he was in luck finding two high end discreet prostitutes who were willing to do ANYTHING he asked. The look on his face when he woke up cuffed to a bed naked rather than the other way around. You and Natasha kept the money he paid and a shopping spree was on him. Only a shopping spree for you guys meant going weapon shopping. Hidden tasers,  sedatives in rings, high heels with blades in the heel. Your bedroom was more of an armory than a dressing room. 

You smiled sweetly handing the invitation to the door man. He licked his lips at you looking you up and down then waved you through. He assumed you were one of the many 'working girls' invited to the event. Fine by you if it got you entry. You watched as Nat headed through the crowd to the bar and decided to head the other direction. As luck would have it your eyes fell to a very stunning and glamorous blonde. The pampered daughter of the Russian crime lord. Her name was Helga and she carried her small white dog in a handbag where ever she went. Poor thing could probably have done with a good walk. You subtly followed her into the bathroom.

Helga stood in front of the mirror grooming her hair and checking out her make up as you walked in. The bathroom was the most spectacular thing you had ever seen. The colour scheme of red and gold with floor to ceiling ornate mirrors. Even the sinks were huge and grand. Helga and placed her dog down on the counter the sinks were built into.

"Oh my gosh what a cute puppy," You gushed with fake enthusiasm suddenly sounding much younger than you were. "What's it called?"

"She is called Sweetie!" A smile beamed back. Good. She fell for your act already.

"May I stroke her?"

"Sweetie loves strokes on the head, don't you my precious girl." Helga cooed at the dog stroking it under the chin.

"Oh my gosh her fur is so soft, she is so pretty and look at her collar!"

"Real diamonds, only the best for my little Sweetie."

Time to lay on the act thick, "Daddy say's I can't have a dog. Say's I won't look after it but I think I might just do it anyway!"

"My daddy got me her for my birthday last year. She was very expensive but worth every penny."

"You are soooo lucky!" You stroked the dog on the head, your hand subtly moving to slip under the collar. The tracking device was minute in your finger tips so easy to stick to the inside. Now you and Natasha could track her moves. Find out where they were going and where they were staying.

"I bet my daddy would buy you one if you smiled sweetly, works for me. I will introduce you later! Tell him your daddy is mean and you would love one!" Oh this was easy, to easy. An introduction with the crime lord himself after just arriving at the party? You were suspicious when it could of been genuine. In your line of work it worked well to be paranoid. 

"Oh no I couldn't ask that of him, I can wear my daddy down. I better get back to the party but perhaps I will see you later and you can introduce me?" You smiled then didn't wait for a response heading out the way you came in.

Your eyes scanned the crowd, you couldn't see Nat anymore. You decided to step out to "get some fresh air", see if anyone followed you out. Making your way out the crowd the doorman smirked as he let you out with a cold breeze hitting you but you failed to see his expression. You took a deep breath feeling free of the suffocating crowd. Slowly you walked to the left the pace intentional, give anyone following a chance to catch up but you listened for steps behind you. No footsteps as you walked into a dark ally. Suddenly a loud sound behind you made you spin round. 

It couldn't be. How did he get there? Your eyes scanned to the buildings either side of the alleyway. He couldn't of jumped from the roof could he? That height would of broken his legs! His large frame moved towards you in the shadows. Before you could dodge a metal hand clamped around your throat with zero explanation. You coughed and spluttered as he lifted you from the ground, legs kicking trying to find some leverage. You tried to kick forward at your attacker but your vision started to turn black. You went limp in the air like a rag doll with no way of alerting Natasha to your predicament. He slung you over your shoulder carrying you into the night and away from the sights and sounds of the party.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find yourself at the hands of the winter soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning torture and held against will sexual assault etc etc please be aware.

The first stage of waking up was just awareness. Being aware you aware but vision still black and mind disconnected. Second stage was being slowly aware of your body now your brain was awake. You swolled, pain like razer blades scratching on the insides. A dry mouth and bruising from being chocked. Your body felt heavy and weak. Next and final step your eyes fluttered open. Suddenly you jolted seeing a dark red brick room. It looked like an old basement dimly lit by a single naked light bulb over head. It was cold down here and the air felt it didn't move. It smelt faintly of dampness. As you jolted you were met with resistance unable to move any further. You looked down to see your hands were chained to a metal loop attached to the brick wall. While still drowsy you tried to pull the chains from the wall but slumped back down weak. Looking down at your body you were still dressed in your party dress but your shoes had been removed.

A movement in the corner gained your attention. A dark figure dressed in black stepped out of the shadows, his face obscured by a mask but metal glinted slightly in the light. He disappeared out the door then returned with a new figure following him in.

"Ahh you are awake then Lisa. Are you Lisa? I don't think you are a Lisa." The male voice thick with a russian accent pulled up a chair and placed it infront of you. He sat down with a smug look on his face you were dying to wipe off.

"Perhaps, you are a Jane?" The man in a very expansive suite continued, his fingers and neck adorned with gold chains and rings. "Or an Emma? Or Sophia? Or Anna? You see we can find aliases for you for all these names, but why can't we find your real name? Real you?"

You smirked at him in response. He would never find out your birth name, ever. Taking offence at your silence he stood up and walked towards you. As he came into the light you fully saw the face of the crime lord who's daughter you had been talking to hours before. The light reflected from his bald, pale head. He stood tall over you obviously trying to intimidate you as you lay shackled on the floor. Still you had that sly smile on your face. If you were going to be held prisoner you were at least going to have your fun pissing him off.

"Talk little girl!" he shouted at you. "No perhaps your name is...Black Scorpion...yes I see it in your face. THE Black Scorpion. Quite a name you have made for yourself under that alias. So tell me, what is your REAL name?"

You burst out laughing. 

"What is the joke? Tell me." He bent down and grabbed your hair roughly, you could feel strands rip from your scalp. He angled your face to look up into his. "Fucking tell me your name."

"I have no name. Don't believe me? Keep looking. You will find no record of my existence. I don't exist."

The man let you go harshly angered with your response. He knew from doing some digging it was true, he could find zero record of you from any known alias. 

"Well if you have no name there will be no one to miss you while we have fun then."

"Oh don't you worry. She will come for me. Then the real fun will begin."

"No one is coming for you. You are alone."

"I'm never alone, just wait, you will see." You looked at him with such confidence, with such knowing, it unnerved him.

Despite your situation you had a gleam in your eye. He wanted to take that gleam. He wanted to crush it in the palm of his hand and see you break. He clicked his fingers at the direction of the metal arm wielding man then pointed at you. 

"Remove her clothing," he laughed. "See what is underneath."

Silently and without hesitation the soldier moved towards you with large, fast strides. He crouched down. Hands placed on either side of the slit he ripped the fabric. Easily he tore the shreds off leaving you exposed in just underwear. You looked into his eyes as he crouched before you. Nothing. Cold. Dead. Distant. Like a robot given a command. When finished he stood back into the corner without even being told, so well trained.

"Such a pretty one. Shame what he will do to you," the Russian nodded at the silent soldier.

"Can he not speak for himself. Or only bark on command. Sit. Roll over. There's a good boy." You taunted them.

"He will do whatever I tell him. He will not flinch at anything. You can not bat your pretty eyes at him. He does not feel empathy for you. You see, after a while I may start to feel sad hearing your screams of pain echoing down here. He won't. He will just keep on going no hesitation. So, you are going to tell me. What is your name?"

"I fucking told you. Are you deaf? I have no name."

"Soldat," he clicked his fingers. "Remove her underwear."

The soldier without hesitation did as he was told throwing the ruined garments to the side. You didn't try to cover your naked body. They were trying to humiliate you. Seeing the defiance in your eye the Russian sighed. He did not WANT to do this but it didn't mean he wouldn't.

"Soldat, go upstairs and get some scissors or a knife."

As instructed the leather clad soldier returned swiftly with silver scissors in hand. 

"Give the lady a haircut, something short and sweet."

Grabbing a fistful of your hair in his tight metal fist, he started to cut handfuls away. You watched as clumps fell down on to the cold, brick floor. You attempted to pull away but he just would grip tighter onto a new clump. When every single strand of your hair had been hacked away he stood up and returned to his place in the corner. Always silent. Always obedient. 

"Hmmm I like it. What else could we do to give you a make over I wonder?" The crime boss still perturbed by your lack of talk. "Maybe a manicure will loosen your tongue. Soldat. Pliers. Help the lady remove her old finger nail colour. Her nails with it."

Twelve hours. For twelve hours the soldat worked on you. Breaks were taken not for your benefit, only to make you wonder what would happen next, to try to scare you. You refused to tell them who you were or who you worked for. Those twelve hours felt like weeks to you as the progressed on to the next form of torture. Your only respite occurred when you passed out from pain. You were tired, hungry and in agony. They did not care. The Russian had taken personal offence you had tried to use his daughter. The man on the door at the party had recognised you from a month prior. You had crashed his guns sale and he was not happy about that.

You were a mess right now and you knew it, but you made peace with the prospect you could die here. The pain you were in from such torture that ranged from water boarding to teeth being pulled out, you welcomed death. Someone like you was never destined to have a peaceful death, it wasn't who you were. Was not what you had been made to be. Shaped. Created. 

However, you still had hope. She would come for you. She always did as you her. You always had each others backs, when you had no one there was only each other. No one else you trusted the same way. Natasha was as a sister to you, closest thing to a family either of you had for a long time. As much faith has you had in Nat, the soldier was like no one you had seen before. If she came and he was here she wouldn't stand a chance. You prayed in that case that she DIDN'T come for you, so she wouldn't end up next to you. 

Footsteps brought your attention out of your head back to the room. You looked up to see the crime boss again with three men stood behind you. He stood over your broken bleeding form.

"Oh such a pretty doll you were. Now look at you. All this avoidable but you have to be so stubborn eh? Who will love you now with your busted face, your missing teeth and sliced body. If you still aren't agreeable we have a hammer that will make you scream out alright. How do you like your knee caps? Your fingers? Your ribs?" He became silent waiting for you to talk.

"I already told you but you aren't listening I have no name. Honest to god. I have no fucking name." You spat blood at his feet while staring at him with disgust, gums still bleeding from the diy dentistry. 

"Everyone has a name. A mother. A father. A history. A job. An emplyeer. A friend."

"I have one friend and she will come for you don't you worry."

"Well tick tock I don't see her. What's she waiting for, or perhaps she isn't coming for you Black Scorpion? I'm sad to say your new boyfriend has been called away on other business. I'm sure you will miss your time together. My boys here though, they thought you were getting lonely down here. All by yourself. They will keep you company don't you worry." He winked at you then turned to the three men and nodded making his way out. 

By this point you were so weak you accepted your fate. Your retaliation useless. As the three men took it in turns to abuse you in otherways, one thing crossed your mind. The winter soldier was gone, if Nat came now she would be safe. That was all that mattered. What you repeated in your mind as they violated you. Your mind and soul left your body as eventually they tired and grew bored. You still refused disclose any information. Alone and naked they left you bleeding on the floor. Your blood blending in with the red bricks the last thing you saw as you passed out from the fresh pain one final time.

A cry and bangs from above you filtered in through the floor. Loud enough to rouse you from such lethargy. Gun shots distinctive rung out. You smiled. She was here. Nat had come you just as you said she was. The door burst open and you saw Natasha illuminated from behind. The natrual light almost blinding to you now after the dark and dank conditions to which you were growing accustomed.

"Hey, Steve. I've found her. Shit! Grab a blanket or some clothes it's bad Steve." Natasha rushed to your side with panic on her face. You struggled to lift your head to look at her but when you did she was met with a horrfic smile.

First you smiled, then you begane to laugh. Boy it hurt to laugh but you couldn't help it. You spat out a tooth that had been punched loose. Blood dribbled down your chin as you kept the laughter up. 

"Hey, B, what's so funny?" Natasha looked horrified.

"I told them you would come. They didn't believe me but I told them. Where there is a Black Widow there is a Black Scorpion. Sisters in arms. I was fucking right."

"I wouldn't leave you now would? Let's get you unchained then get out of here."

"He was here Nat. He is real.

"Who is B?"

"The winter soldier. The devil." You whispered the following sending shivers down Nat's spine. "The devil has cold eyes. Dont trust him."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to go into great detail, but wanted to show how bad it was for the reader


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will be your reaction when Steve brings an old friend to the base?

Two years later

* * *

 

Natasha rubbed her temples in circular movements. This did nothing to ease the tension as the source of the pain in her ass was Steve Rogers stood infront of her in the communal kitchen. She was in disbelieve at the man and his selfish actions.

"Steve, I came here for a coffee. I did not expect to find HIM stood with head in our fridge."  Natasha sounded like a mother giving her son a talking to.

"You didn't have to stun him though did you?" Steve retorted.

"What was I expected to do or think? You gave none of us any warning. A heads up would of been nice. How was I to know which version of him it was? Look. This is not a good idea Steve."

"What was I supposed to do Nat? What if it was B, wouldn't you do the same?"

"B didn't try to kill you."

"Where would you have him go Nat? Where Hydra could get him?"

"No, just could of discussed it first. Lay down some ground rules. Does Tony know? Shit when B finds out Steve. How could you do this to her? You know, you saw her. HE did that."

"That wasn't Bucky who did that."

"Try telling B that then." Natasha threw out the rest of her coffee too angry to drink the rest. This was a disaster waiting to happen and Steve had brought it down on everyone. Steve with the heart of gold but he had failed to see the bigger picture. "You better keep him in his room. For his own safety if anything."

"Nat please if anything happens don't you DARE tell me 'told you so', please just don't."

"Maybe I should just say it now get it over with? Bringing him here is a mistake Steve!"

As if on cue a scruffy long haired Bucky walked into the kitchen. His gaze trained down at the floor allowed his hair to hide his sad, broken eyes. Rings under his eyes gave away his lack of sleep. Bucky looked defeated, beaten, hardly the same winter soldier Natasha had previously had dealings with.

"I'm, I'm sorry for interrupting. I'll just go back an um, wait until kitchen is empty...I heard you talking..."  Bucky spoke softly and timidly.

"Buck you have every right to be here, people just have to get to know you."

"Bucky, you shot me so forgive me for not the warmest of welcomes." Natasha turned to Bucky. "But you have done far worse to others here."

"I'm sorry," Bucky's eyes pleaded with her. "Who else have I hurt here?"

"For a start, Tony. Steve! Does Tony know?" Natasha sounded genuinely terrified at the realisation. This man had murdered his mother and father.

"Tony is...aware. He's not happy so he's sulking in his lab."

"So that just leaves...."

"Nat," Steve placed a hand on her shoulder. "You should be the one to tell Lady S."

"Who's Lady S?" Bucky raised an eyebrow.

Footsteps brought everyones attention to the newcomer as you came through the doorway. You pulled out your ear phones to say 'hi' seeing others were in the kitchen. You jogged in dressed in gym clothes and a large water bottle ready to fill up. You stopped in your tracks feeling tension in the air. There was a distinct atmosphere in the kitchen as you saw a worried look on Steve and Nat's faces. Your eyes fell on the third party stood further away with a guilty look on his face. You couldn't believe it. Here he was in the kitchen. After all this time...

"You mother fuck..." You rushed at him but Steve grabbed you by the waist with both of his thick arms. Like a crazed animal you tried to push him off kicking and shouting. "Get your fucking tree trunk arms off of me Steve Fucking Rogers."

"No not until you calm down!" Steve literally picked you up and carried you further away from Bucky. You seemed to calm down so he began to loosen his grip. You took the opportunity to slide out of his grasp and run at Bucky.  

Natasha grabbed your wrist and stared deeply into your eyes, as she spoke it seemed to snap you out of it. "B. Please. I know, I know who it is. But please."

"What the fuck is HE doing HERE?" You spat out. 

"He needs help, somewhere safe to go." Steve answered.

You started laughing in reply, "Help?"

You tore your wrist from Nat's grasp and ran at Bucky again with fist raised. You reigned down punches and kicks at him. Bucky didn't retaliate. He moved his arms infront of him in an X shape as defense only. In the proccess he managed to get you with an upper cut to the jaw. The pain shot through you. You stopped your attack and paused. The kitchen was silent in anticipation. Your hand went to your mouth and pulled out a tooth. It was one of your fake ones anyway, a reminder of your last dealings with this man 

"I'm so sorry!" Bucky tried to apologise for the genuine accident but you were having none of it.

"Why? You have done far worse than this to me you bastard." Blood dripped down your hand and face. You threw the tooth into the sink. Your eyes burnt with hatred as you spotted the kitchen knives housed in their wooded block. Natasha clocked where you were heading.

"B! No!"Natasha flung herself at you knocking you hard to the floor. You easily rolled her over but evenly matched she fought back. The two of you wrestled on the floor as Bucky looked on in astonishment and Steve debated when to intervene.

"Oh hell yeah! Now this is what I've been waiting to see!" Sam appeared in the door way watching with a grin on his face. Instantly the grin was replaced with wide eyed disbelief when he clocked Bucky. "Shit I'm out of here!"

Natasha paused to stare at Sam hearing what he had said. You used the opportunity to grab her head ready to smash into the ground but instead Steve pulled you off this time keeping a tighter grip. 

"It's okay B. He won't hurt you again." Steve whispered into your ear. Slowly you calmed down and collapsed into his arms. You didn't want anyone to see so you turned and buried your face into him as a tear streaked your face. That monster was here. In your home. You couldn't feel safe here knowing where he was.  Steve guided you out of the kitchen and disappeared into the hall with you.

Natasha laid on the floor out of breath. Bucky reached his hand out helping her up. Natasha brushed her clothes off and turned to Bucky, "Look, I'm sorry it's not a warm welcome but Steve has gone about this all wrong."

"Who is she?"

"That is the women you destroyed."

"What? How? I've never seen her before." Bucky looked confused.

"No you haven't, but HE has."

"What did he, I mean I do?" Genuine distress and confusion was etched into Bucky's face.

"Short version? We don't know all of it. She won't tell us. Long version? You ambushed her, took her to a cellar and on the orders of others tortured her. You tortured her for hours Bucky. We know some of it by her injuries but she never told us how she got them. She does not talk about the incident. We call her Lady S or B. You would know her as Black Scorpion. She was tortured and raped until we found her. We thought she would die. I still have nightmares of when Steve carried her out of there."

"What's her real name?"

"No one knows. Her identity was taken as a child. She was given identities based on the needs of her handler or mission.

"And..an the...rape?" Bucky struggled to say the word. "Did I do ...that?'

Nat shrugged, " We don't know. Like I said. She won't talk."

 A heavy feeling hit Bucky in the chest like a ton of bricks. What exactly had he done to you? Although it was not really him, not truly. It made no difference though, people still saw him as the soldier. 

Natasha went to walk out of the kitchen, she stopped and patted Bucky on the shoulder before departing. "Welcome home Bucky Barnes...."


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't avoid him forever...

You punched the bag hard causing it to swing. Over and over you launched your attack. Your knuckles had began to hurt but you ignored the pain feeling no end to your anger. It was like a well of hatred that never ran dry. You pictured his face as you battered the punching bag. His cold stare. His blank expression.  He was nothing but a puppet but he had been merciless. How you would ruin that face of his if you could, like he had done yours. In the few days he had been here, Steve had wisly kept the devil under wraps. Keeping him out of the way. Like a dirty secret kept swept under the rug. You would have to see him again you knew that but you still felt sick at the thought. Natasha had tried to keep you occupied with training. She knew you were ready to blow any moment. 

You had been having dreams, flashbacks, since his arrival. Like the devil being here had just ripped open that wound that you had never allowed to heal fully anyway. How can anyone fully recover from that ordeal? Then have the man who's hands you suffered at appear in your kitchen. In your home. Like your personal space being invaded. No longer feeling safe you were in a permanent state of 'fight or flight', always switched on and alert. The anxiety coursing through your system but finding no release, no exist, so intensifying. A head ache pounded at your skull.

"Hey, hey, B, Earth to B!" Someone snapping their fingers at you grabbed your attention. Turning round you found Tony stood behind you. It was the first time you had seen him since Bucky had arrived. Tony had his own history with the man.

"I didn't hear you Tony." He looked awful. 

"This where you been hiding then?"

"Well you were busy in your lab, you had taken that hiding spot. Tony....I'm not fucking happy."

"I know, neither am I," Tony sighed and shifted his weight to the other foot.

"Well, what do you make of HIM being here? Why are you allowing it?"

"I'm trying for everyone else to be cool. Steve has made a point. Where would you rather he be. Here or with Hydra? I keep trying to remind myself...it wasn't him...it was the other him."

"I can't stand to look at him Tony! I just want to rip his head off!"

"What's the saying. Keep your friend's close but your enemies closer? I don't think he will hurt anyone B. I just...am struggling to accept it, but I'm trying. I suggest you do the same."

"I don't know if I can."

"Just try. Maybe it will be good for. Help us come to terms with our past."

"Is that you talking Tony or Pepper?" you raised an eyebrow at him. He threw his hands up and shrugged his shoulders then silently walked off. Part of you knew Tony was right but it didn't make it any easier.

You wiped the sweat from your brow, reaching for your water you came up empty having drank it all. You headed to the kitchen feeling that rush you always got after a work out. You were amped up practically jogging to the kitchen. As you rounded the corner you came face to face with him as you almost ran into his large chest.

"You!" you spat at Bucky taking a step foreward. As Bucky, surprised, stepped back you kept walking foreward forcing him back further and further. You forced him to sit on a bar stool as he was unable to retreat. You stared at him in disgust as he was unable to look you in the eye. Bucky looked down at his feet looking like a lost puppy. He didn't say anything as you stood before him looking down. You emitted hatred and disgust. He could see your chest heaving and fists shaking in rage. You stood there not making and more moves like you were to furious to leave. 

"I'm sorry," he finally uttered quietly. 

"You are sorry, you? The ruthless winter soldier, sorry?" you laughed.

He looked up at you with soft sad eyes and hair obscuring his face. He again almost looked like a hurt little innocent puppy dog like that. Almost. You stepped forward again glaring at him with hatred. It pained him to see such a look aimed at him from your beautiful face.

  
"You think I'm just going to fawn over you. Boohoo poor Bucky. Poor hurt bucky didn't know. He doesn't even remember so don't blame him. Get along nicely like nothing happened while he plays part of the victim."  
You took a step forward again slowly until you were pressed up against his seated legs stood infront of him. You looked down on the now pathetic and submissive soldier.

"I remember what he did. What you did!" You grabbed his face with your fingers smushing his lips together. You dug in tight turning his head to each side eyeing him up. Holding his head in place as you spat in his face angrily. He didn't respond but his shoulders slumpt down looking defeated.

"What? Now you won't fight a girl? What's wrong with you has never stopped you before?" You let go of his face but raised your fist and punch him hard.

  
"Huh not going to talk?"

  
You punched him again harder with your other fist, his head jolting hard.

  
"Pussy. You are nothing now." You punched again and again alternating fists as you spat verbal venom at him. "Pathetic. Monster. Murder. Abuser."

One final blow had him leaning far to the right as he struggled to remain seated from the attack.

"You don't seem so scary now. Perhaps you should be put down and out of your misery like a hurt dog. You are broken Barnes but you deserve it. For what you did, you fucking deserve this!"

One final blow and his lip split open. He wiped blood from his lip. Blood trickled down from his eyebrow. He could feel his face swelling but all he could do was look up at you with those blue eyes of his and repeat, "I'm sorry."

 "Shove your fucking sorrys they don't change the past."

"B, what did he...I mean I do to you...please tell me. I don't remember."

Steve and Natasha walked in then stopped dead in their tracks taking in the scene. They watched as you grabbed Bucky's hair roughly. Bucky winced but didn't retaliate as you leant in and whispered in his ear. Bucky's eyes were shiny as if he was about to blink back tears.

"Hey! Lady S!" Steve intervened walking over to the two of you.

"B...." Nat cautiously said. "Maybe we should go for a walk..."

Throwing Bucky's head to the side you let go and turned to Nat, "anywhere away from this piece of shit."

Nervously Steve watched as you followed Natasha out of the kitchen as if anticipating further action from you. When he was confident you were out of ear shot Steve turned to Bucky.

"What was that about Buck?"

"Nothing I don't deserve."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. What was it she said?"

"She, she, she said I destroyed her...I don't know what I did to her. What ever it was must of been bad. What did I do?"

"I don't know Buck," Steve sighed. "You were with her for hours. I had to pick her up bleeding from the floor, so much blood. You know she had been stripped naked? Her hair hacked off? Bruises everywhere. Broken toes. Teeth removed. Slices randomly over her. But she has never said anything. All I know was what I saw."

"Steve, did I rape her?" 

"I have no clue Bucky."

"I have to know what I did. I have to find out. She, she's to pretty to have such hate in her eyes. Was I the one who put it there?"

This was the first time Bucky had mentioned your good looks. Steve raised an eyebrow starting to wonder if Buck's obession with you had anything to do with that, not just the past history. He started to think about how often Bucky brought you up in coversation. Of all the women in the world, Bucky had to be sweet on the one he had brutally hurt.

"So do you need to go to medical Bucky?" Steve sounded concerned.

"It will heal. I hope, I hope she feels better for it..."

"You aren't angry at her?"

"I deserved it. I can't be mad when I am the reason she is so full of rage."

"That doesn't make it okay for her to go beat team members because she is angry."

"Steve, who else here hurt her like I have? No one. She's entitled to feel angry and if being B's punching bag helps her then well, so be it."

Steve just shook his head in disbelief. He was willing to let you beat him when ever you damn well pleased. Why? Guilt? Or did you have a hold over Bucky without exchanging one single pleasant word to him? Steve didn't know how, but you HAD to get through this. Reach a state of acceptance. His best friend was hurting as he was piecing together some sort of life for himself.

 Meanwhile walking in the hallway Natasha tread on delicate egg shells as she tried to talk to you. She could see you were visibly shaking and gritting your teeth.

"B, you know if you ever need to talk I am here for you. I always will be. You know you have never spoken about -"

 "And I don't wish to start now Nat!" You interrupted her. 

"That's fine, just when you are ready to. You know we won't let him hurt you again. Ever."

"How can anyone ever be safe with HIM around?"

"The same could be said about us B." Natasha's voice took on a serious tone. "We are not exactly innocent parties...."

"That's different Nat!" You stopped dead in your tracks annoyed she could compare you to him in any shape or form.

"How?!"

"It, it just is! We are nothing like him."

"The scary fact is B we are more like him than we care to admit. There is blood on your hands just like mine and just like his. We are not such innocent parties. I read the file on your sweet 16th party. I know what you did to your...father."

"That man! That man was not my father. He was my handler. He was an abusive piece of shit. That wasn't even my real 16th birthday. I don't even know what my real birthday is. I suspect I was more 14 than 16, but he had an image to keep up. I had to play long lost daughter to boost his public image as he was campaigning at the time. What father "visits" their daughter at night? My programming wouldn't allow me to say no even though it was against the rules of the handler to interfere in such away. No they wanted to keep us young ones as clean as they could to pass off as virgins when we had to play the Lolita act."

"Why did your programming stop working B? Why did you rip his dick off and leave him to bleed out?"

You shrugged, "I have no idea how I broke free. I was put back through a brutal training course though and it was hushed up. Medications altered. They wanted to make sure I never did it again and boy I paid a price for that little teenage rebellious act."

"So what do you think happened with the solider? With Bucky? Think any time the real him began to surface they let him off the hook? That they tolerated any act of defiance? What he did was despicable, but he was merely the tool. Blame the man wielding the tool. "

You began to walk away leaving Nat stood in the hall, "I can't believe you are taking HIS side Nat."

"B! IT'S NOT ABOUT SIDES! It's about the fact you can relate to him far more than anyone in this building possibly can."

You didn't even turn around as you shouted your reply, "I WANT NOTHING TO WITH THAT FUCKING BASTARD DO YOU HEAR ME NAT? NOTHING!"


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A thunderstorm brings about an encounter that breaks Bucky's heart.

Bucky sat on the soft, cool grass writing in his blue notebook. Beside him sat a backpack with other such notebooks. Fragments of his mind. They housed pieces of the larger puzzle but were jumbled and pieces missing. He wrote your name in huge capitals, underlined it, then circled it for emphasis. Around it the page filled with question marks. Well, Bucky had written Black Scorpion. Everyone he spoke to said the same. You had no name. But everyone has a name, don't they? They have to come from someone? Family? Friends? Or were you all alone apart from Nat. He had seen how you were different with her. An unspoken bond that went deeper than casual friendship. You were warriors. Fighting side by side, forging a deep bond in blood and pain. It had been two weeks since he had arrived at this base with promise of a new start, fresh life. Instead he had run straight into his past, and his past did not have a friendly face. Beautiful? Yes, but far from welcoming.

Bucky sighed thinking once again about your face. He couldn't decide what his favorite feature was. The sad, angry eyes? The mouth that the closest to a smile he had seen from it was a smirk? Your skin looked so soft, your neck kissable. And that body.... 

"Who is she?  What did I do?" crossed his mind constantly. Steve knew as much as Nat did. Bucky needed to know more. Selfish but this was a gap in his memory begging to be filled.  The base had become filled with tension. Both you and Bucky had been avoiding communal areas to avoid contact. This was your home, who was he to push you out? One more thing to add to his list of reasons to hate himself.

Bucky felt restless when cooped up in his room. That was why he liked to come here, this patch of grass where he could breath in fresh air and feel the breeze on his face. It helped him feel slightly more alive. He had spent to many years contained and open spaces called to his soul. He felt free at last, almost. 

The weather forecast suggested chance of a storm and Bucky had been watching these dark clouds roll in. Very fitting for the mood, dark clouds charged with energy ready to unleash any minute. Just like you. And just like the dark angry storm Bucky saw the beauty behind the destruction. A raindrop fell, landed on the page and rolled down. Bucky sighed realizing his moment of peace was over, he placed the notebook back in his backpack and zipped it up tight. More raindrops fell down on him, little pitter patters all over. Instead of heading in Bucky decided to sit and enjoy the new sensations. What did it matter if he got soaked? All he had indoors was the four walls of his quarters to look forward to. Lightning lit up the dark sky with a dramatic streak and he heard thunder a short while after. 

Bucky decided to get up and take a walk around the base perimeter enjoying the dramatic weather. He slowly became drenched but did not care. Lost in his own thoughts a sound made him jump. What was that? It was muffled but it was there. He followed the sound to a more over grown patch of grass infront of a clump of bushes. It was crying! Definently the sound of a women crying. Was someone hurt? 

As he got closer he saw a figure laying on their back, hands covering their face as their body quacked with sobs. He saw the (your hair colour) hair fan around their head. What should he do? Realising it was you a stab of empathy shot straight through his heart. He felt the pain in those sobs and cries. 

"Hey, B, you are going to get soaked out here, are you okay?" Bucky spoke so softly it was almost a whisper. Hearing his voice you instantly bolted sitting up right, wiping the tears away frantically.

"I was running, got caught in the rain. I'm fine."

"If you say so B..."

"Fuck off Barnes leave me alone."

"You are laying in a thunderstorm crying, I don't think that is fine."

You burst out laughing, "because you know the meaning of the word fine? Yeah, right."

 "Please can we just talk I need to know ...did I...did I rape you?"

Your hands covered your face to hide your fresh tears. The thunder and rain helped muffle the cries you tried your best to suppress. Without answering him you sat with your face now buried in your wet knees.

"Just go away Barnes!" You shouted, muffled. When Bucky didn't answer you assumed he had indeed gone away. About a minute later a hand touched your shoulder causing you to jump. "Fucking go away Barnes!"

"You shouldn't be out here B. Come inside. You are soaking." Bucky spoke softly to you.

"What do you care, soldat?" You spat out bitterly knocking his hand from your shoulder.

"That's not who I am anymore..."

"Then who the fuck are you?" You glared daggers into him.

"I'm Bucky Barnes. Wo are you though, B? Lady S? Black Scorpion?"

You stood up as the rain came down harder and puffed your chest out as you shouted at him. "I dont know! I dont know who I am! I am who they made me! They told me what to say, do, wear!"

"Who's they? B? Who's they? What happened to you?" His voice and face begged and pleaded with you to just talk to him.

All you wanted was this man, no, this monster to leave you alone. Why were you not allowed space to cry if that's what you wanted to do? It was nothing to do with him, you were not his concern. If lightening was going to strike did you really want to be next to a man with a metal arm? Of all the people in the world he was the last man on Earth you wanted to sit with. You stared into his blue eyes as the anger and upset coursed through your veins. You chest heaved from stunted breathing as cries caught in your throat like a thick lump. You were Black Scorpion. You NEVER cried. Yet it had to be HIM who found your spot. He would not stop staring! His brow creased slightly in concern for you. Was he actually worried about you? Bucky remained standing there in the rain but something about him...he was oozing compassion somehow. It was in the way he looked at you, the way his lips twitched wanting to smile at you.  Slowly he stretched out his hand to you, as if timid and afraid. Continuing your silence you just looked at him in disbelief. The wet rain made his hair cling damp to his face. It rolled down his nose, down his strong, stubbly jaw. A droplet rested on this lip. His T-shirt clung to his toned, muscular frame. Jogging bottoms clung to his thighs as your eyes trailed lower. For a split second you pictured reaching out for his hand. Imagined him drawing you into those strong arms and holding you close. Making you feel safe as you spilled your heart out to him. Everything you kept locked away begging to spill out.

What the hell were you thinking? Had that really just crossed your mind even just for a brief second? You didn't need a man never mind HIM! No matter how good he looked in the rain you, bore the scars from that encounter with him. "Get the hint Barnes, I don't want to talk to you now go AWAY!"

"I just want...you to know.....I'm sorry B. I am truly sorry. For anything and everything, I am sorry." Bucky admitted defeat and walked away from you back towards the building. You watched in silent confusion about what had just flashed into your mind. It had been brief but you had felt that tug, that lure to him. It troubled you. You wanted to claw the feeling out of you and bury it deep. Even though you now had gotten what you wanted you couldn't help but feel like there could of been a different outcome. A want for an outcome you were not ready to even begin admitting to yourself. This man showed you kindness when you were weak, that was all, that was why your brain was confused. Or that is what you tried to tell yourself.  

Bucky dripped a trail of water behind him leading all the way to the communal kitchen where he stood making himself a hot drink. It crossed his mind to make one for you and bring it to you. Why? So you could throw it in his face, literally? Natasha came in a minute later swearing in Russian under her breath about the slippery floor.

"Bucky, why is there water everywhere? My god you are soaked!" She exclaimed.

"Got caught in the rain. I saw....I saw B."

"oh?" Nat raised an eyebrow. Here we go again. Bucky talking about you once more.

"Yeah, she was out there in the rain.....crying."

"Crying? You sure."

"Yeah no doubt about it I spoke to her."

"B never cries...never."

"Apparently she does...."

"Well you are honored then Bucky Barnes aren't you?"

"Nat, what happened to her? Who is they?"

"Not this again Barnes! No I don't know what happened down there in that cellar."

"NO! I mean before that....how did she become...Black Scorpion."

"THAT I can help you with somewhat." Natasha pulled up a bar stool settling in to tell the story.

"Okay Bucky, but perhaps she should be the one to tell you, but never mind. B can get mad at me later. 'They?' They are the American government. The CIA. They made a spy, an assassin, a blank canvas, a toy, a sleeper agent. What ever they needed. Have you heard of Mk Ultra and Project Monarch? Well, when you get a minute I suggest you read about it. MK Ultra is a mind control program that began in the 50's, only they never stopped it like they officially said. They took it under ground as it became more and more horrific. In order to break the mind of a victim they would attempt anything and everything. They experimented with drugs, abuse, isolation, sensory deprivation." Natasha stared at Bucky who seemed surprised.

"I have no idea, the AMERICAN government?" Bucky pulled up a stool next to Nat and placed his hot drink down on the work top.

"Yep, they were paranoid about the Russians. Always looking to get ahead. Well B was a product of this program. The most successful one there ever was.  They began from a young age with her. They tried from newborn, but with lack of early years family unit, the love and care, they failed to thrive and their development stunted.  B was older. She must of have some stable up bringing before they got their hands on her but still young enough they could influence her already developing mind. Sculpt it and shape it. Implant trigger words and training."

"So, she had a family? And was what...taken?"

"B has no memory of it. There are no files on her. No trace. Her handlers were clever bastards. We have no idea her birth name, birth date, place of birth."

"So B had her life taken from her? She was mentally destroyed and put together how they wanted?"

"Pretty much, she was set out to work young. She posed as an orphan and a politician adopted her. He was a spy and turned up dead, suicide it said...or perhaps it was the CIA after B had fed them information? Perhaps the 'suicide' was at the hands of an 8 year old B? Her missions were less blood thirsty, less out right violent that yours. More manipulative and subtle. "

Bucky's mouth went dry hearing your back story. He instantly felt sad for you. There was no 'before' for you like he had, only the 'after' You had been used for the agenda of other's just like he had been. What horrors had been inflicted on you from childhood? Bucky shuddered thinking about what happened to you but on his own soil, his home country. They were meant to be the good guys, weren't they? Once again Bucky felt a stab at his chest for you. Empathy, pity, sorrow. He wanted to go to you and tell you he understood everything far more than anyone else here. That he knew what it was like. He could be there for you, if only you would let him. At that moment Bucky doubted you could ever even say hello to him, never mind discuss this new found knowledge. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's presence at the gym causes a public revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning mentions of torture.

Bucky stood silently chewing his bottom lip as he looked down at the ground. Always looking down. Always quiet. Always thinking. Steve stared at him, his eyebrow raised, as he looked for a response in his friend.

"Well, I mean, I don't mind, it's just everyone else. Will they mind?" Bucky spoke in that timid unsure voice of his. 

"Who cares? You live here as well. You have as much right to use the facilities. I think it will do you sone good." Steve was tired of this brooding and withdrawn Bucky. He had tried to give gentle nudges which had fallen completely flat. Steve was past subtly and flat out TOLD Bucky he should start going to the gym. Start running, working out, training. You could take the soldier out of the fight, but had the fight been taken out of Bucky? Steve wants to reignite some spark of energy, enthusiasm. Lounging around in solitude was not going to provide that. Bucky had to get back into the present, into the world. Not obsess over out of reach memories. It was so hard for Steve to watch. He had underestimated what Bucky would be like at the base. Steve had somehow imagined he would be out of his shell by now. No signs of the old Bucky were resurfacing. Perhaps he had allowed his mind to get away with himself? To high expectations, maybe it had been unrealistic. Steve had to try though.

"What, what if she is there?" Bucky looked to Steve concerned. Steve knew exactly who she was...it was you.

"You can't step on egg shells. You can't avoid upset Bucky.  She spends much of her time training so you are bound to bump into each other.".

"If she's there...I can always leave."

"Bucky, stop it! This is ridiculous! What is it about B that has you so defeated?"

"It's her eyes Steve. She looks at me with those eyes as if she could set me on fire if she stared hard enough. I swear I can feel the heat from that glare. So much hate. So much emotion. I can't stand to be there and see the way she looks at me." Bucky refused to look at Steve as he made his admission.

"It's like we are on a loop here Bucky. Stuck on repeat. Going over and over. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Either you sit down and talk or fight it out but...."

" - or you just fuck and get rid of the tension."

Both Bucky and Steve whipped their heads round to stare at the newcomer interrupting the conversation. Tony sauntered in casually and grabbed an apple from a fruit bowl. He raised a cocky eyebrow as he took a bit and just looked at the duo and the look of surprise written across them. Steve looked horrified while Bucky gawped at the idea.

"Yeah tin man there knows what I mean," Tony didn't fail to see behind the surprise the glimmer in Bucky's eye at the idea or the faint flush of his cheeks.

"No Tony, that is NOT a solution."

"Uhhh, yeah it is." 

"How would that solve anything?!" Steve raised his voice.

"It's no secret both B and Nat have had a....dry spell. This job is hardly the best when it comes to dating. I'm telling you. Let Lady S work out some frustration and the whole base will be a calmer place for it."

"That is ridiculous logic!"

"Not logic, just basic human fact."

Bucky suddenly spoke up interrupting their back and forth as he walked out of the kitchen, "It's not like she would go anywhere near me anyway. THAT is definitely off the table."

"I don't hear you denying you want to though!" Tony called out after him then turned to Steve. "How long has he been crushing on B for then? Don't Scorpions eat the males after mating, or is that black widows? Well either way he's going to get eaten alive going near her, or Nat. B HATES him in case you have not noticed...."

Steve sighed and folded his arms, "Yes, I think everyone has noticed that by now. Only yesterday she walked past and stunned him, just because he walked into the kitchen while she was in there. His only crime."

"If that was his only crime then both me and B would not be going out of our way to avoid him." Sadly Steve could not argue with Tony on that, it was true.

 

You licked your lips and grinned while you circled your opponent. They were stood in the middle of the training area littered with crash mats. Like a prowling cat you toyed with them as they turned to keep facing you. Neither one of you trusted each other as you watched each others moves. Ready, eager and waiting for the other to make a move. Lucky for both you and Nat this was a no tricks or weapons fight. No hidden gadgets literally concealed up a sleeve. No throwing knives in a boot. That didn't stop the two of you getting quite brutal in training. Others would hold back on a friendly, but not you two, especially on each other. 

Nat had become weary of you just building the suspense. She expertly lunged forward at you, you ducked to the side just in time laughing. You knew her patience would wear thin and she would make the first move. You ran at her full steam, your arms wrapped around her middle. Instead, of flying back she resisted and anticipated enough to run backwards with your force pushing her. Nat jabbed both her elbows down hard in to your shoulders. You yelped in pain elbow bone connecting with shoulder bone as you let her go. Nat used the distraction to try to land a high kick but instead of making contact with your torso, your hand  caught and grabbed her leg and pushed it away, causing Nat to stumble. A sound grabbed your attention, the doubles doors to the gym and training area swung violently open. Your eyes followed to see Bucky looking shocked and then apologetic at how loud his entrance had been. Apparently even now the force of his metal hands could surprise him.

As Nat regained her composure and tried to go for a take down your eyes followed Bucky. You felt your body tense up. You dodged Nat but barely and did not have time to retaliate as she made a move straight away again. Out of the corner of your eye you watched Bucky make his way to the equipment in the most hidden corner he could find. Pathetic, the boy was hiding away. Why was he even here? No one wanted him here. How dare he show his face here while you were training.

A light tap to the shoulder drew your attention back to your appononte. Another near miss.  She had you practically running away from her. Your eyes squinted as she smiled. She knew! She knew you had been distracted and taken the opportunity to dominate the fight. Bitch. You would of done exactly the same though and you knew it.

 Bucky was proving to be a weakness. To be fair Nat knew you better than anyone so found it easy to read you. You could also tell she was holding back and just toying with you knowing your mind was not in the fight. She could of busted your face open and you would still of been staring down that pathetic excuse for a man known as Bucky. Just look at him. He was stood in the corner with his sweatshirt now off curling weights. His hair hung down in front of his face. Bastard could not hide behind it, you knew him for what he was still. It struck your mind you should leave, just go so you didn't have to see his fucking face. Bucky added more weights to the dumbbell and still continued to curl with easy, his bicep bulging each time. You would rather of died than admit it even to yourself but he did look damn good. The man was toned.

"B," you could HEAR the smirk in her voice. "Eyes upfront. I see you staring."

You swung your leg around trying to land a kick, "What the fuck is he doing here? I've not seen him here before. Is no where safe from him? Can't eat, can't go for a walk now I can't even work out. He is ALWAYS there. Why?"

"I don't know B, why don't you ask him?"

"Good idea. Maybe I will!"

"NO!" Nat protested as you began to walk away from her. "I didn't actually mean go ask him! I just meant how was I to know. B! B! Come back here, leave the guy alone."

Her protests were futile as they fell on deaf ears. Your body was growing tense as you clenched and unclenched your fists. Anger rising and boy was that infinite when it came to Bucky god damn Barnes. It's like you could FEEL his presence on your skin you were so aware of him in the room. Like it pushed in at you forcing memories to the surface and leaving a dry mouth and heavy breathing.

Bucky looked up to see that hatred in your eyes again. He looked down, concentrating on his arm movements hoping you would walk away but couldn't help his vision trailing back up to you. No, you were heading his way for sure now. His palms grew slightly sweaty as his brain and heart simultaneously fluttered. He was nervous. His eyes watched as your skin shone with sweat. Black yoga pants and a black gym bra showed off your body perfectly as it highlighted every curve and body part. You were EXACTLY his type and it was getting harder for him to ignore. His brain began to wander, images flitted of you hot and sweaty taking chest heaving breaths but in a whole different situation. What was he doing? Why was his brain allowing itself to torture himself like that. Bucky saw you as his punishment. Something so beautiful yet not just out of reach but at war with him. This was karma seeking vengeance for all the bad deeds he had done in the past.

"Hey, Bucky!" He looked up as you stopped infront of him hand on hip.

"Hey," Bucky meekly responded looking at the weight in his hand.

"Fucking look at me." You ordered him yet he still stared at the weight. "I fucking said. Look at me!"

Bucky paused and looked into those burning red with rage eyes of yours. It was destroying him seeing them trained solely on him. No one else had he seen you look at like that.

"That's better. What the hell are you doing here? Why are you everywhere I go?! Huh?"

"I'm, I'm sorry.....I just live here so...."

"Be better if you didn't! Are you like stalking me now? Not good enough to torture me? Wanted to see the end result of your handy work? Or annoyed you never finished me off?"

Natasha appeared at your side looking apologetically at Bucky as she placed a hand on your shoulder, "B please, leave him be."

"NO I fucking won't!" You shrugged her hand off of you. At that moment Sam, Steve Tony and a very sheepish looking Peter Parker walked in the gym. You KNEW you intimidated that boy yet he still would turn up with Tony every so often to train.

"I will go B, I'm sorry for everything. Forget I was here....I'll just..." Bucky stood up but you interrupted him.

"No, fucking sit! You are sorry? Sorry for what? What exactly?"

"For...everything?" Bucky mumbled.

"Huh? What was that? I didn't catch it, speak up you sack of shit!"

"I'M SORRY!" Bucky followed orders sitting down and speaking up, it was hard for him to look at you as you grew closer in proximity.

"WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR SOLDAT? TELL ME!"

"FOR EVERYTHING....FOR EVERYTHING I DID TO YOU!"

"LOUDER FOR THOSE AT THE BACK!" You gestured to the crowd forming behind you. "WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER....I'M SORRY!" His shoulders slumped down feeling so pathetic not even knowing what he had done. It plagued him. Hours spent with you yet not a single memory of a nano second. 

"Hmmm, well shall I tell you? Want to see your handywork? Where should I start?" You pulled your hair out of the neat up do it was in. "See this? My hair uses to be longer and thicker but you shaved my head after cutting it."

 Your hand moved to prod around your left eye and cheek bone, "Do you see any scars? 'Cause I do every day in the mirror! This is where you punched me and broke my eye socket. My nose you broke but yay for me! Free nose job thanks to a skilled surgeon."

You pulled your lips open wide with fingers as you opened your mouth before speaking, "Let's play a game called which is real and which is fake? Here is a hint I have more fake teeth than real, wonder who did that. With pliers. Mixed with the broken jaw you gave me guess who went on a liquid diet? Yep, me! I had to eat with a straw for a very long time but hey, at least I lost weight on that diet huh?"

Bucky wanted to look away. This was killing him but he couldn't. He was finally finding out what he did to you in a very a public and very humiliating manor as you stood in front of him running down the list of injuries. You just kept talking as the list went on growing more and more horrific. He could see the faces behind you looking shocked and appalled. Everyone would hate him by the time you were done but he knew he deserved it.

"See these?" You waved your hands at him. "Do you remember one hand you ripped my finger nails out? The other you hammered a nail under my big thumb nail? Boy did I scream at that. You only stopped when big boss came down saying you were making to much noise so you moved onto next thing. Which by the way was breaking a couple of fingers instead. Hmm what else was there?"

You pulled down your yoga pants no longer caring who saw as you were so caught up in the moment. Tears pricked at your eyes reliving the pain of each and every injury. 

"See this? This? Oh and this?" You pointed to several scars on your thighs and abdomen. "Your very good knife skills there. Oh and here on my arms! A couple more! This is where you slashed at me every time I refused to answer a question. Boy was that knife sharp and could slice threw skin as if it was butter."

You stepped out of your yoga pants and lifted your gym bra up over your head, lucky for you, you had a regular bra on underneath. You pointed at your ribs. "I had several of these broken, buy your foot. Do you remember you kicking me when I was well and truly down? Remember stamping on my chest? That was a collapsed lung."

"B, please, come with me," Nat tried again to take you away from the situation as she took in this new found knowledge.

"NO NAT! He wants to know! He keeps asking me and others what happened so I'm telling him, it's what he wants!"

You turned your head back to the horrified looking man in front, "Where was I? Oh yeah. Do you know what it is like to struggle to get a breath? I do. First you choked me until I passed out. I lost count of how many times you did that, four or five? Each time you edged me closer to death and I would think that was it, I was gone. Only to come to on that cold floor and see your face peering down at me."

"C'mon B, I think that's enough," Steve appeared next to Nat looking very concerned.

"Nearly done Cap, nearly. The list of what your boy did to me is long but nearly comes to an end! You see, he grew bored of choking me half to death. No, he decided to water board me instead. Oh boy wasn't that fun! Like continuously drowning! The water was also very cold might I add and I was naked after all. I feel like I am forgetting something, you punched and kicked me. Stamped on me.  It went on for HOURS! The winter soldier never needed a break. So what do you have to say for yourself soldat? You have been asking and bugging me to know and well now you know!"

"I, I," Bucky stumbled over his words as a solid lump had formed in his throat. "I am sorry B!"

You shook as you put your clothes back on so lost in the moment you didn't care about any nudity. You could see it in his eyes. That one last question he had kept asking you.

"On the bright side Bucky, at least you didn't rape me. No, you are free of that from your reasons to feel guilty. Silver linings and all that aye? THAT, THAT Bucky Barnes is why I can't stand to look at you. I can't stand to be near you. You left me battered and scarred. Nothing can take that away and I still have to live with that every single day of my life!" 

Bucky watched as a tear slid down your face as you spat venom at him. He wanted nothing more than to stand up and wipe it away. He could see you were holding back more tears and longed to put his arms around you for you to fall apart in his grasp. For you to let it all out buried in his chest.

"B, I promise I will never ever hurt you again. You know that right?" Bucky tried to sound honest with this pathetic hope you would believe him. He wanted more than anything for you to believe him and not live in fear in your own home.

"It is to late Barnes, damage done and your puppy dog eyes can't change that. Bucky fucking Barnes I HATE you. I LOATHE you. I feel SICK in your presence."

Bucky fell to his knees on the floor looking up at you still as your words stabbed at him, "I'M SORRY B! OKAY? I AM SORRY!"

You leaned down and placed your face mere inches infront of his. You studied his blue eyes enjoying seeing the pain in them mirroring your own. For a moment it crossed your mind to kiss him as your eyes fell to his trembling bottom lip. What it would be like to taste him. Use him. Take from him. Sickened by your own thoughts you stood up right and his apology was met with your knee meeting him in the face. He swayed side ways as blood trickled from his mouth.

One last look in his direction before you walked off followed closely by Nat and Steve. That one look filled with the tears you were both holding back. Filled with pain. Filled with a deep longing for the pain to go away. Filled with hatred for both yourselves and each other. One look that had far more in common than you would expect for enemies. For that brief moment your soul recognized another soul in pain but your mind refused to feel sympathy with it. So much held within that second of eye contact that somehow shared more than words had so far. Now it was out, everyone knew what the winter solider had done to you on that fateful night after years of silence. Everyone knew what a monster lurked in their own home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's gone bump in the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about typos couldn't get on computer for spell check so all written on my phone!

It started as a faint and distant intrusion. It didn't belong. It was not part of your dream and your subconscious knew it as it tried to block it out. It tried to keep you clinging on to the peaceful dream state. The annoyance grew louder as you slowly went through the stages of waking up or being woken up. Rudely. 

Rubbing your eyes you frowned seeing the bedtime clock illuminating the room. Just gone midnight. Seriously? The sound that had pulled you into waking boomed loud again. It was muffled but it set of your primal fight or flight instinct. Loud but distant bangs with a muffled shout. Your brain launched into defense mode as you reached for a knife from your bedside table. You didn't care about your black lace and satin slip if you were under attack, who had time to cover up?

You heard footsteps jog past your door following the sound. There had been no automated alarm so it couldn't be anything to serious could it? Fuck! Down that hall....if someone had triggered the winter soldier. You swore under your breath flinging open your door and running barefoot after the sound.

Rounding the corner at the bottom of the hall way the sound was loud as you heard Steve's voice.  A few people stood around the open door but just stood in the doorway of Bucky's room was Steve. Everyone ducked suddenly as a book flew from the room, hitting the wall behind and landing with a mighty thud from being thrown with force.

You pushed past Wanda and Nat to stand next to Steve. You gripped the knife in your hand tighter. "Steve?! Is it him?! The soldier?"

"No no no! If everyone can just...please...leave...I got this." Steve looked stressed but not scared. A frown so deeply etched into his brow. You followed his gaze to a hole in a wall of the room. In front of the hole in the wall with his back to you stood a ferocious and shaking Bucky Barnes. He wore sweatpants and a grey tight t-shirt with dark sweat patches. His large frame heaved with each breath. You didn't even have to see his face to know he was full of rage. You could practically smell the anger. It was in the air mingled with a hint of fear from the onlookers. Your eyes fell apon the rest of the room. The first time you had seen inside Bucky's room and boy what a state. The upturned, chair in pieces, a hole in the desk. It was carnage and by the sound of running water you just knew the en suite bathroom was in an even worse state. 

"What's going on Steve?" You sounded confused.

"It doesn't matter I said I have this!"

"Steve," Natasha spoke softly. "With all due respect, it's been over twenty minutes. I don't think you do have this. Maybe I can try and talk to him."

"WHAT PART OF I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING DO YOU NOT GET!" Bucky clenched his fists apparently aware of his audience. 

"Bucky, please, Just one minute -" Bucky interrupted Nat by turning to his book case. Apparently bored of pulling books from the floor to ceiling shelving unit, he roared as he just pulled down the whole thing.

"Fine! I tried Barnes! Throw a tantrum in your bedroom see if I god damn care. You can clean this mess up by the way."  Natasha stormed off back in the direction of her room and you chased after her.

"Hey Nat wait up!" You called after her. "What happened?"

"Looks like PRINCESS Barnes was trying to pack a bag to leave. Steve tried to talk him out of it. Conversation got heated. Guess he got tired of talking. He's destroyed his room and punched Steve. Leave him to it. He wants to tantrum let him, some of us haven't been to bed yet and would like some sleep." Natasha looked pisssed off.

"Why would he leave?" You queried.

"One guess B. Go on. Take it. It's not hard."

"I don't have a clue. Honestly Nat."

"YOU. YOU were the reason he was going to go. Leave his best friend. His only home."

"ME?"

"Yeah you...."

"But....why me?"

"You have really done a number on him. You have made him feel like crap the minute he got here B. Don't you think he already felt like shit? Bucky knows what he has done. You walking around taking every chance to remind him. Taking every chance to attack him."

"Hold up Nat. Don't start!"

"Look B, I don't blame you for it. Just, see how it is for him. Not saying he does or does not deserve it. Just he is tormented by YOU. Even if you don't do or say anything. You know he never misses a chance to bring you up in conversation? You are in his head. He cares what you think."

"Why does he give a damn what I think? If he gave a damn about me he would have left on day one and not made me endure his presence."

"If you don't see it B then I am just done. I'm not spelling anything else out for you." Nat placed her hand on your shoulder. "B. I want to go to bed now.  You can either do the same or go fiddle out the riddle that is this nonsense between you and Barnes."

Riddle? What was Nat on about? There was no nonsense between you and Barnes. You made it public what nonsense had gone down between you, all very much dealt by his metal hand. You had stripped naked in the gym to bare your scars to the entire compound. No secrets here. Why did it bug you so much what Nat had to say? She just meant to sort out the tension since you made it obvious your dislike for him, right? 

After Nat disappeared into her quarters you headed back to Bucky's. The crowd had disappeared but Steve stood with his broad frame against the door frame.

You could hear him still trying to calm down the raging supersoldier, "Look bud, I'm just saying sleep on it."

"Steve don't give me that line again! Like everything magically changes because everyone went to sleep! Nah. I'm still just has hated in the morning as now."

"I'll be honest Buck, we know there is....issues, but everyone's working on it. No one minds you being here now they are use to you."

"Oh yeah Steve after that stunt in the gym. B can't look at me. Tony is barely tolerating me. Now everyone looks at me and just sees B's scars. They picture what I did to her. They see what I did and know who I am."

Steve turned his head to look at you seeing your movement in the corner of his eye. He gave you the hint of a smile as he looked weary. His eyes lowered to the knife in your hand and raised and eyebrow. You shrugged then winked at him. You jumped, literally, as a sound grabbed your attention. Bucky let out a roar and punched out a new hole next to the other one in the plaster of the wall. His fist embedded in the wall,he paused. His chest heaving, his free arm leaning on the wall as his head hung forward. Pity struck you as you watched this man come undone. Why did you feel bad? This wasn't your doing, was it?

"Boohoo Barnes don't blame me for your melt down." You spoke up for the first time. You begane to feel annoyed he had been talking abour you.

"B!" Bucky pulled his arm out of the wall and slowly turned round. His face lowered, obscured by shaggy hair but you could see the whites of his eyes flash. If you didn't know better you would say Bucky was TERRIFIED of you. His demeanour instantly changed moment he was aware of your precense. Now he faced you, you could see how tight his top strained against his muscles. How low his sweatpant hung on his hips. Your eyes for a split second lingered there before you returned to scowling at him.

"I'm sorry B. I'm not blaming you. This is all me. All god damn me. I'm sorry to wake you."

"Starting to piss me off how often you say sorry. Stop it already. As if saying sorry changes anything." You flipped the knive in your hand causally with skill and ease. 

"But I am. I mean it." Bucky looked up at you and instantly regretted it. There you were. Stood in his doorway....looking like that. You really were sent as his punishment he knew that now. Not only was your main goal to bring him down any time your paths crossed, but to tease him with out even meaning to. Only karma would place something so stunning infront of him to hate him.

Bucky's eyes took in every detail. The way the slit of your nighdress revealed the flesh of your thigh. His eyes followed it higher...higher..and higher. The lace edging seductive, especially the way it JUST contained your breasts. Any lower you would be on display. The satin hugged your body perfectly. Suddenly he felt very jealous of Steve who stood so close to you without reciving any backlash. He imagined what it would feel like to feel the satin on his hand. The warmth of your body pressed up against him. The feel of your lips on him. God if he could he would show you just how sorry he was. 

 Pushing past Steve you crossed the threshold and walked into the bedroom. Steve looked at you, a subtle warning of "be careful". You flipped your knife again and again winked at the Cap in your own coded reply of "I can take care of myself."

"Why are you here B?" Bucky looked down at the floor, his large chest heaving still, his eyes clenched shut.

"You woke me up. I'm seeing what the fuss is about. Apparently just you having a tantrum. Are you done now Barnes? If you are going to leave just go, no need to flounce out of here."

"You don't even have any idea what I am 'tantruming' over as you put it. You don't know B. You can't know you aren't in there." Bucky pointed at his head.

"Oh fuck you Bucky. You think your special? Think you are only one here to have a shit deal?" Your voice switched from sarcasm to annoyance. "I fucking get it Barnes."

"Do you? Do you B?"

"Yeah you think you were the only person here who has killed innocent people under someone elses command? At least you only murdered! That's the easy part!"

"The easy part? How on Earth is that the easy part?"

"Because it's easy and done. You walk away. What's hard is when you are put in place with a new identity to gain as much intel as you can first. New name. Months of seducing. Month's of work. Oh yeah, and you are only 14 fucking years old! And it's your OWN government."

"I...I don't know what to say B." Bucky looked at you with an expression you had never seen before. Sorrow. Sympathy for you, not for himself.

Suddenly you felt a sting in your eye as it moistened. Oh god you weren't going to start blubbering were you? Not infront of him! How dare he pity you. 

"Look Barnes," your shoulders slumped as your voice grew softer. "I'm happy to see you go but try not to make such a mess, okay? Nat and Steve already had to clean up the mess you left me in. Don't give them more unnecessary work."

The words stung him deep and Bucky flashed you his puppy dog eyes. God damn it. Those sad blue eyes looking into you. Why was it even bothering you. Suddenly you felt guilt at the reaction from him. This wasn't like him. Normally he would appear in a room looking all mopey. This was the first violent outburst since being here. At least it was only his room, not like your outbursts AT him. Guess even when he lost it he could hold back where you had not. Deep down you knew. You knew you had done this. You had pushed this sad and damaged man far enough to snap. You wouldn't admit any of this out loud. It stung you though the guilt seeping in deeper seeing the fall out of the way you had treated him. 

Perhaps...just maybe....you were in the wrong this time. No! New anger welled up. Not after what he did. Because he was getting weepy and all boohoo look at me you were meant to forget?

"Buck," Steve pipped up. He could see that even this less than positive small chat with you had calmed Bucky. How was it you instantly had more of a calming effect than Steve, his best friend? "You can't sleep here tonight. Why don't you go to room 12? It's free and just down the hall. Might as well stay on same floor where your stuff is."

"That's a good boy Bucky. Go sleep. Heel boy. Sit," you smirked. With one final flip of your knife you walked out and started to head back to your room. As you sashayed back your room it felt as if a dark cloud had followed. After rounding the corner you looked over your shoulder. The dark cloud HAD followed you.

"Seriously Barnes? Not enough to keep me from sleep you gotta follow me now to," you spoke without looking back at him.

"Just finding room 12 B." Bucky sounded exasperated. Like he was weary of your taunts but to polite to say anything. You looked at the room numbers as you past. 9, 10, 11....12. Fuck. You paused as you reached room 13. Your room. He was going to be right next to you. Come morning you would be making a complaint about this. That monster sleeping next door to you!

Bucky opened the door with a keycard and paused. "B, I'm sorry. I'd of said no if I knew this was next to you. Is it, is it a problem?"

"What do you fucking think Barnes? How do I know you won't snap. This time murder me in my sleep." You resisted looking over to him but couldn't help it. You saw his face as your spiteful words hit. The way his eyes scrunched and he bit his lip. Why did you feel this guilt? The monster deserved this. It wasn't your job to make him feel better about his crimes. 

"I won't wake you again tonight. Morning I'll move rooms again. I won't bother you. I just want you to know that."

"Ergh, Barnes, shut the fuck up. You are such a whiny bitch. Maybe the soldier really gone all that's left is....this." You cast him a disapproving look.

"I hope you are right, I hope he is gone for good. That's not who I am B. I'm not who they made me."

"We will always be what they made us. If they hadn't made us into something we would be dead. We are both alive. That means something survived and it's not the original you. That is gone. Destroyed. There is only the end result. What they made. No matter how many times you say you are sorry you fucking know it's true. You know what you are."

"Yes and it kills me every single day. I know what I am B. I know. I hate myself for it even more than you hate me." Bucky disappeared into his room the door slamming shut so you couldn't see the tear slide down his face.

You lingered for a second in the doorway feeling a fresh wave of empathy for him out of the blue. The man was a mess no doubt about it. You just had no idea how he bad been feeling. You were still a person with a heart and you had contributed to tearing him down. Despite the past history your conscious mind still couldn't hold back the idea that perhaps you had taken it a bit far.

Sighing you placed the knife on your bed side table. Crawling into the bed you pulled the covers up and stared at the darkness above. Your mind was now wide awake as you kept picturing Bucky. The way he looked at you with those sad eyes. Fuck him making you feel bad! Why your sudden change? How dare he confuse your emotions! You were confused,  how could you feel sorrow for this man you had so much disdain for? Maybe you were getting tired of this hatred. Maybe you had let a faction of an inch of hate let go. Maybe you felt sorry for him because you could relate to his past.

On the other side of wall lay Bucky, also wide awake. He replayed the conversation in his head. This had been the closest thing to respect you had yet to show him. The deepest conversation he had with you yet. You revealed details to him unwittingly. He could not imagine someone so young being put through missions such as that, never mind coming out the other side of it. His eyes slowly grew heavy as thoughts of you calmed him. He imagined you knocking on the door, sitting on the edge of his bed. What your hair would smell like as he brushed it from your face, moving strands from your neck to reveal new flesh. What it would be like to cup your face in his hands, feel you exhale as he ran his thumb across your lip. His mind was running away from him but he let it. As he feel asleep he felt the ghosting of your body against his wanting and needful. The fantasy taking over to give him a brief respite from reality. 


	8. chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some home truths may be a bitter pill to swallow. Especially when they come from friends.

 A knock on the door startled you as it interrupted the sound of netflix being binge watched on your laptop. Sat in bed you looked down at yourself. Some melted chocolate down your black tank top but nothing too bad. Your standards of what was acceptable being pretty low some nights, not like you were looking to impress anyone. It better not be Bucky knocking when you just wanted to chill.

It had been three days and he had yet to move rooms. Every night you went to sleep knowing he was so close, it was sickening. One wall to separate you. How thick was it? Please not Bucky at the door you thought again. It's not like he had tried to talk to you but every time you passed him, his mouth would fall open as if he was about to say something, then one stern glance from you and it was as if he changed his mind. What did he even have to talk to you about? If he said the words "I'm sorry" one more time...

"TONY!" You were surprised to see him dressed smartly in a suit and smelling nice as you opened the door. Why did your stomach lurch slightly over the fact it WASN'T Bucky? Was it relieve? Or maybe just because you had anticipated it, fight or flight and all that. Yeah, that must be it, the guy just had you on edge...it's not like you were disappointed he hadn't spoken to you since his destructive outburst. 

"Okay, B, we really need to talk about this....." Tony vaguely gestured from your top to baggy sweat bottoms. "But not right now. Get dressed we are going out."

"Going out where? I'm busy Tony."

Tony looked past you into the dark bedroom at your snacks and laptop, "Netflix and chill? For one? Doesn't look busy to me."

"Yeah, well it's hard work shoveling in food but it won't eat itself. Plus I happen to like my own company. I don't talk to much."

"Wear something nice, we are going out for dinner. That slinky black number! It looks good on you," Tony started to walk off then stopped and looked at you. "Oh and B, brush your hair. Please."

Dinner with Thor, Tony and Steve. What could go wrong? Oh yeah, one thing, they could all drink you under the table. 

Tony kept the drinks flowing to the table after eating. Thor and Steve seemingly immune and Tony drunk, but an experienced drinker. That just left you, absolutely wasted.

You started leaning to talk to Thor next to you only to fall out of your chair. He caught you in his arms laughing as he helped you up, "Lady S, I admire your dedication in trying to compete but I feel you are best stepping out of this competition."

"Oh don't worry buddy this ain't my first rodeo. I've been drinking with Tony before," you swayed slightly as you spoke.

"No B, I think he is right," Tony raised an eyebrow and smirked at you. "Lightweight."

"Hey! Fuck you! We can't all be alcoholics like you. Surpised Pepper is allowing you out drinking."

"I do not need permission from Pepper to hang out with friends! It's not like I'm out partying with a bunch of supermodels. Just after dinner drinks with you losers."

"I was happy just me and my Netflix. YOU dragged ME out! Sorry I'm not a supermodel."

"Don't take it to heart Lady S, you are strikingly beautiful. Ignore this drunk fool."  Thor came to defend your honour with a warm smile and a wink.

"Yeah I know someome else who would agree..." Steve pipped him but as you stared at Thor you failed to hear. Tony looked at Steve with a knowing smile.

"So B," Tony leaned into the table. "You speaking to Barnes yet?"

"Why the hell would I be?" you replied defensive, disgust written on your face.

"Just a question. I know he is in rather close quarters to you now. Thought perhaps you had been in each others rooms..."

"As if I'd let him near me! I'd rip his balls off if even attempted to come into my room. Tony move him. I don't want to see his fucking face anymore."

Steve sighed, he had heard this all before from you. "He's having a hard time right now. Therapy has been heavy going. Someone he knew back....then has died. A baby cousin. Only Bucky last saw him six months old. Bucky got invite to the funeral. Guess who grew up and lived a whole life while his hit pause."

"Boohoo." Tony took another swig of his whiskey. 

"Oh...I didn't know..."your voice trailed off with the hint of sympathy seeping through.

"Well it is not like he is going to talk to you about it now is he?" Thor laughed. "You both should be gentler with him"

"Ha," even Tony's laugh sounded bitter and sarcastic, laced with contempt for the man.

"Lady S, I have a theory on why you harbour such disdain for the man." Thor turned to you. 

"Fine. Let's hear it then, you are going to tell me anyway," you sighed.

"You see yourself in him. The man you have so much dislike for and when you look at him you see yourself. The villain in a story. Your past is not so public like his, so he can't hide it like you have. You see a man forced to do the work of others without their consent, much like you."

Steve looked like he was contemplating the idea before speaking, "I think he's right you know. Bucky has been forced to meet his past. He's had to take responsibility for the actions of the soldier. Who's held you accountable B? Buck is struggling to forgive himself. I think you need to forgive yourself as well. Make peace with the past."

"Jesus fucking Christ, way to be such downers guys and make a girl feel shit. Maybe I just hate him because of what we did."

"We?" Tony noticed your slip of the tongue.

"I meant he!"

"Did you B?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Look, I'm not exactly in his corner but we know that was the soldier not him. He's being blamed by us for what the other him did. You have never had that. Nat has never had that."

"Some people would argue that you and Nat should stand trial for your pasts. Nat especially so. She was not brainwashed in the same manner as you and Buck. I think that's why the past does not haunt her as much. Nat was more in control, she was there, she did it. She knows what she did and she knows why she did it. She was trained to. She never questioned it. She saw it as her redemption to work with shield, be the good guy for once. What's your reason for being with us?" Steve stared deep into your eyes looking for a real answear.

You were silent looking down. You didn't even know what to say. Your mouth went dry as your head spun.

"I don't, I don't know...I just followed Nat. Where she went I followed."

"Exactly. You followed Nat. You didn't accept your past and move past it. You just bury it. She doesn't talk about it because she doesn't let it define her. You don't talk about it 'cos it's painful. Now imagine you are Bucky. Forced to talk about it in therapy. Everyone knows his past crimes. He has to face everyone everyday knowing they know. Then you come along and just throw salt in the wounds every chance you can. You think Bucky is pathetic now. Are you scared if you talk about the past we will think the same about you? He's doing something B, anything he can do. Don't knock him." For the first time Steve sounded angry at you about your treatment of his best friend. 

"How you feel about him is a mirror of how you feel about your own past. You don't look at him and see Bucky Barnes you only see the soldier." Thor added. "Maybe Lady S you need to look in the mirror and see what it is you see. Do you see you or the puppet of others in the reflection."

"You know what? Fuck this!" You stood up violently, the legs of your chair screeching on the floor and table shaking. Fellow dinners turned to stare. You walked (or swayed) off to the exist feeling anger rush through you. Your face burnt red and you imagined cartoon like steam rising from it. You held on to the anger not wanting to let it go. If you let it go the sadness and hurt would come bringing with it tears. It was easier on your ego to stay angry. 

"Should we go after her?" Thor seemed concerned knowing you were heavily intoxicated.

"B? She will be fine. She can look after herself. B will get a cab, heavily tip the driver and charge it to me in punishment. It will make the drivers day. She's done it before."

"Were we not to hard on her perhaps?" Thor felt guilty. He saw the look in your eyes. The look of someone not ready to address their issues but the issues still hurting anyway.

"Maybe she needed tough love. She won't talk to any of us anyway. I'll get Nat to see her in the morning. She's making it a hostile environment on base." Steve said.

"It wasn't hostile until you brought Barnes there with out warning." Tony snapped. "Don't think I'm 100% okay with it yet. What I say is what I know B should hear. Doesn't mean I'm doing it fully myself."

 

You huffed and staggered angrily through the building of the base after leaving the cab driver with a very generous $500 tip. You weren't really paying attention when he thanked you and revealed a sob story about caring for a family member but you still decide to up it to $1000. Fuck Tony! Fuck all of them. Who did they think they were anyway? All ganging up on you like that. You hadn't even wanted to go out, happy with being a recluse. Fuck them, fuck them and fuck them! 

You made so much noise banging kitchen cupboards open and shut. Finally remembering where the drinking glasses were you drank a huge glass of water down in one, not caring that it dribbled down your chin and onto the black dress. The ability to drink with speed half your problem right now.

A noise made you jump as a figure stepped out of the shadows. You turned to the sound but in the clumsy process hit your glass against the solid counter top, causing it to smash in your hand.

"For fuck sake!" you screamed in shock looking down at the pieces littering the floor and the blood trailing down after.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry B!"

"Barnes. Always saying sorry. Oh, and making a mess. Thought you would be use to the sight of my blood. Not exactly the first time."

Bucky ignored the remark concerned how unsteady you were near broken glass. He walked closer to you while you glared at him. Opening a draw he grabbed a tea towel.

"Come here," he commanded you but a gentle tone to his voice.

Begrudgingly you held out your arm to him but kept your body as far away as you could. Bucky placed the tea towel under your hand as he inspected the cuts. 

"Good, no glass in there. Over here B."

With your arm awkwardly outstretched you followed him to a couch placed opposite the communal kitchen.

"Sit," Bucky commanded. You obliged but made sure there was a large gap as he sat down as well. Bucky tenderly wrapped the tea towel around your hand and gently applied pressure. You watched how thorough and cautious he was. Ever action controlled as to not cause you pain.

"Don't think this makes it even Bucky. Not even close."

"I didn't think it would B." Bucky sighed deeply 

"Why you being nice to me, huh?".

"Because I can. Why are you a bitch to me?" 

You looked up making eye contact with him then whispered with a smirk, "because I can."

"What am I going to do about you B?" Bucky kept your hand in his lap, hands wrapped around the towel even though he was done with his make shift first aid. "Are you even going to remember this in the morning?"

Your eyes were growing heavy as your head grew cloudy and spun, you swayed side to side as Bucky remained attention fully on you. He could see how drunk you were but didn't know how to help you or if you would even let him. Any other team member he knew you would allow help from, but not him. It stung as you were the team member who's aid he would rush to without even being asked. 

"You do nothing about me Barnes. I am nothing. I am nobody. Stop trying to say sorry, stop looking for forgiveness. Give up on me already."

"I can't B, I can't."

"Why? Don't see you hounding Tony."

"Tony doesn't seem to cross my path as much that's all. But you....you seem to always be there."

"Ghost of Christmas past haunting you."

"Hey," Bucky slightly smiled. "I got that reference. B, I don't want to haunt you. I, I want to..."

Bucky looked over at you. Your face turned to him but your eyes were closed as your head rested on the couch. You had fallen asleep, a deep sleep judging by your deep breathing. Your face peaceful and serene, your body soft moulded into the couch. Bucky let out a sigh. He wasn't even sure what he was sighing at. Just at the whole damn situation.

Slowly your head and body started to slump sideways. It looked uncomfortable the way your head began falling. Your arm still in his lap meant your body was angled towards him so slowly your torso followed.

Eventually your head connected with his shoulder and you couldn't fall side ways anymore. He felt your breath on his arm. The rythmic in and out relaxing as silence descended on the dark base once again.  Bucky took the opportunity to lean down and smell your hair. He felt creepy but he had to breath you in. Commit your scent to memory, hold on to the feeling of your warmth on him. His heart felt like it was jittering at such proximity to you. Sadness tinged the moment as Bucky wondered would you ever possibly be this close to him again? This hadn't even been intentional. If you were conscious you would be horrified.

"JARVIS, lights off please?" Bucky felt odd asking out loud but they turned off instantly.

Slowly his eyes felt heavy as well as the moon light illuminated the two of you. Bucky often struggled with sleep but felt calm in your precense. He couldn't describe the feeling but it just felt as if something was right about it all. You were so close yet so far away. Without meaning to his vision slowly went black as sleep washed over him before he even realized. He didn't have a chance to get up. 

Bucky and you fast were asleep so didn't hear the arrival of Steve, Thor and Tony back at base. As they stumbled across the unexpected scene Steve had to hush Thor and Tony from laughing and disturbing you. Pulling out his phone Tony smuggly smirked while taking a photo. Capturing the image awaiting your horror in the morning.

"What?" he mouthed and shrugged at Steve who stared disapproving daggers at him. Thor found a warm, fleece throw from an armchair and placed it gently over the two of you. He had to admit you did like very sweet together. You looked like a couple if he didn't know any better. The three of them went their seperate ways as they left the two of you in silence. To spend the night asleep and to wake in the morning a confused tangle of limbs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a rough idea for quite a few chapters. Order may get rearranged but if you are enjoying please check back as I'm excited to amp up the pace and tension over next two chapters. More action less bitter reader ;) have a feeling it will be enjoyed :)  
> I am struggling to get time to write. It was silly of me to start TWO Bucky/reader stories when I had yet to finish my epic 60 something chapter one. But please keep with this!


	9. chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your own mind betrays you the morning after the night before. Tony attempts to provoke you.

Your eyes stung as you slowly woke up. You rubbed at them not knowing, or caring, what make up you were wearing from the night before, they felt puffy and dry. Your head ached as you struggled to lift it. Opening your eyes you blinked at the brightness of the day. You rubbed at your kneck, it felt painful as if you had slept crooked. Faint nausea churned your stomach but all in all you had woken up not feeling to bad. Some nights with Tony had descended to carnage and you could not function come the next day.

Suddenly you were glad for having left (well stormed out) early avoiding anymore drinks. Coffee, food and water, you would feel much better. You groaned sitting up and pulling the blanket from ontop of you. It was kind of whoever it was to cover you up. What were you doing passed out on the couch? As you put pressure on your hand to slowly stand up pain shot up a stinging reminder. You remembered. Glass. Blood. Bucky. Your hearing previously dulled with sleep suddenly picked up the sound of cooking in the kitchen.

You followed the sound and your sense of smell. There he was. Stood with his back to you cooking pancakes. Bucky had obviously showered as his hair still slightly damp hung dark and straight. His clothes were changed to a vest and jogging bottoms. You chewed your bottom lip watching his arms bulge and ripple as he flipped pankcakes and poured batter. Your eyes lingered on where flesh met metal. You wondered if the scar tissue was sensitive or if it was hard and raised. It looked angry and violent. Painful. You imagined going over to him and running your fingers over the flesh, delicately dancing your fingertips across. Smelling his shower gel and shampoo. Him engulfing you in those arms with a warm embrace.

"Hey," Bucky turned to you snapping you back to reality. "You're awake. I left you a coffee. It's in a ceramic travel mug to keep warm. Didn't know when you would be awake or if you would run off with it."

You stared him down as you walked over and grabbed the coffee from next to him. You wouldn't admit how badly you needed it or how thankful you were. Not to him.

"Better not be poisoned Barnes," you grumbled. The first sip hit you like it was medicine for your soul. Beautiful.

"Why? Is that what you are plotting to do to me?"

"Don't even give me the idea. I could put it in your food or drink. No one one would know it was me."

"Then who would get you hangover coffee and pancakes? Everyone would know it was you."

"I did just fine with much worse hangovers before you got here Bucky boy."

"Yeah I bet Nat was your snack bitch as well." He smirked at you. You just continued to glare in response.

"Here," Bucky slid a plate of warm pancakes across the work top to you. "Eat."

Pulling up a barstool you huffed knowing eating was admiting defeat. Defeat of what you didn't know. Hating Bucky could be tiring. You were hungover, you were too drained today. No, today you would settle for sarcastic indifference, maybe slight contempt mixed with low tolerance. A step up from the usual, the most he had ever gotten from you.

 "You going to pass me the syrup then?" You were rude while making a demand. Bucky didn't care, you were at least talking to him. He pulled up a stool and sat next to you eating his own pancakes with the bottle of sauce between you. Eating in silence felt awkward. You didn't want to talk, Bucky didn't know what to say.

You reached for the bottle of maple syrup but were surpised when you were met with warm hands instead. You let out a surprised noise and let go realising you had both made a grab for it at the same time.

"Sorry," Bucky mumbled picking up the syrup and squirting it across your pancakes. He moved his arms near you to get to your plate. You could smell something, aftershave? Fresh. Clean. He smelt good, real good. His tongue flicked out across his bottom lip. Suddenly you bad ideas, of where that sauce could go...and where that tongue could follow. You took a sip of your coffee nearly spluttering in surprise at your own brain. Some of that alcohol must still be in your system. Yeah. That was it. Just a tired hungover influced brain....

Your cheeks felt flushed but you hoped he didn't notice. It's not like he could read your mind. Suddenly you were glad Wanda was not about. Finishing the breakfast in silence Bucky's phone bleeped loudly making you jump. Somewhere out in the distance of the couch yours made a similar noise. Pulling it from his pocket Bucky frowned.

"Shit. B. Don't check your phone!" Bucky urged you eyes wide.

"Why? What the fuck is going on?"

"Just don't, you won't like what you see."

"Well now you know I'm going to want to see. Why would you tell me this?" You jumped down from the barstool and searched within the couch cushions for your phone. It flashed stating "one new message - Tony Stark". Opening up revealed a picture. Your jaw dropped. The scene from last night of you asleep on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky fast asleep nestled into you. It had been sent to everyone. EVERYONE. You would kill Tony. You would fucking kill him. How dare he!

Bucky stood in the doorway blocking your way as you went to storm out.

"MOVE." you commanded.

"B, just, calm down. I won't let you go murder him with your bare hands.

"Why not?! Just out of my way Barnes." You attempted to push past him but his metal arm shot out blocking the way while his body covered the rest of the door way.

"Because that is exactly what he wants. He's trying to annoy you."

"Any it's worked!"

"Don't let him know that B. Don't rise to him. Just ignore him an don't give him the attention he wants."

Bucky was right, you were loathed to admit it but he was. 

"Fine then. I'll get him back. Just wait. I'll bide my time but I will get revenge." you stormed back to the kitchen and finished your coffee in one large gulp. 

"Where you going now?" Bucky queried as he let you past the doorway.

"Do you mind? A shower. Don't think I need help with that like breakfast. I got it. Now leave me be. I've had my fill of you for one day." Awkwardly Bucky broke eye contact at your choice of words. He would love to fill you alright....he watched you walk away. Your hips and ass moving in the slinky black dress. Slinky black dress you were about to remove and get shiny and soapy and.....fuck! What was he thinking? You barely ate breakfast with him yet his mind jumped to THIS? He was delusional even thinking a hint of that could come true. Still, he was thankful for the time be had spent with you. He eould savour the feeling of your warm body against his, sleepy and peaceful. His heart ached knowing he would not get that chance again 

 

You turned on the shower allowing the water to heat up as you pulled your dress over your head and flung it to the floor. Stepping in you let out a sigh how nice the water felt cascading down you. Ouch! You pulled your hand out from the stream of water as it stung. You inspected it closely. They would heal. Two bigger cuts that ached but the scratches stung more. Your mind thought back to your vague and hazy memories. How gentle and tender Bucky had been. He could of just left you drunk and bleeding. Instead he took care of you. You had not seen any trace of blood or glass come the AM so he must of seen to that to. Then coffee and pancakes as well. It was more than what you deserved. You knew that deep down, after the way you treated him. 

Your mind thought back to his time here. How you had spat at him, punched him, kneed him in the face. The time you shocked him in the kitchen. The time you pushed him into the wall in the hall with a small hidden taser. The time you ordered him out of film evening after making him sit on the floor. It suddenly felt so juvenile yet at the time it yet justified. Yours eyes flicked to your scars. THAT was why. "Don't forget. Don't forget what he did B" the memories screamed. A tear came to your eye as the inner monologue of your brain felt split into two. Divided between hatred and pain then understanding and acceptance. 

Your hands trailed over your body washing the grime of the hangover off. Floral shower gel rubbed over your breasts, skimming your hips and ass. You thought about the way Bucky looked at you last night. Your fingers on his going for the bottle of maple syrup. Lower your hands went feeling a tingle through you. The way his muscles bulged in tight tops. How he looked as he had destroyed his bedroom. So angry, so primal. Lower your hand went gentle brushing over your sensitive bundle of nerves. The heat rising in your stomach, setting you ablaze. Nipples hardening. Hmm, the thought of Bucky drizzling the syrup over your stomach. That tongue flicking across your skin lapping up every bit. Your fingers moved even lower, seeking entry. Your free hand steadied yourself against the wall as you entered your pussy. Surprised at how wet you were, in and out you pumped imagining it was someone, and something else. Your knees shook as you let out a deep breath followed by a moan, you came hard on your own fingers but it was someone else firmly engraved in your mind. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this ended up being a filler chapter...was supposed to be just an introduction to what is going to happen. It took on a life of it's own. Next two chapters are going to get good I hope ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky sat over a cup of tea? Who would of thought it...and can you go one minute without shouting at him?

The last few days had been a nightmare as you tried to avoid Bucky even more than usual. Every time you laid eyes on him, memories came back of the shower. A paranoia somewhere that he could read your mind, and that he knew. You couldn't make eye contact, you couldn't so much as glance at him. It was awkward and annoying for you now he was living next bloody door. You imagined him sat in that room smug at your unrest. Smug at your dirty thoughts. Where had they even come from? As if you could even stand that monster never mind touch him, or have him touch you.

Absent minded you ran your fingers along a raised scar on your torso. A reminder. A memory. THAT'S what Bucky Barnes does when he gets his hands on you, ain't nothing sweet or sexy about that. It was late but you couldn't sleep. You considered going and seeing what Nat was up to but even for her it would be late. Everyone would be asleep in this building but you and your troubled mind. Tonight it seemed to be keeping you up more so than usual. Tossing and turning trying to get comfortable proved futile. First your feet were to hot under the covers, then to cold out. It was no good. Every time you closed your eyes flashes came to you. The winter soldier looming above you, then the feeling of that cold floor as warm blood pooled around you.

You admitted defeat, reaching across to your bedside table you found a packet of sleeping pills. You didn't like taking them but night's like tonight you needed them. Bucky's arrival at the base had not helped and sleep had started to elude you more and more. Swallowing without water you laid back and stared at the ceiling above. Slowly little by little your body felt heavier as if sinking into the mattress and then your mind soon followed. You found yourself in a deep sleep but you knew you would feel groggy in the morning as a result of the sleeping pills.

 

Bucky lay in bed in a state somewhere between awake and asleep. In his dream he could hear you shouting and screaming, you sounded terrified. It didn't fit with the story playing out in his dream about his mother baking a cake in the kitchen. It was out of place and disturbing. Suddenly Bucky snapped awake and bolted up right in his bed. No wonder, it wasn't in his dream you were screaming, he could hear you in real life. It was muffled but he could hear you. Pulling back the covers he sat on the edge of the bed listening. You were still shouting and it wasn't subsiding. The base wasn't under attack? No alerts had gone out? Each loud scream tore at his heart. You sounded in such genuine pain.  He contemplated what to do. Should he inform someone? Looking at the clock it was four in the morning. No one would be awake at this time so messages would stay unread until the morning.  Every time he thought about getting back into the bed he would hear you again. It left him only one option, go and check up on you himself. Nothing else sent such mixed emotions as this. Any reason to talk to you, be near you, but he never knew how you would react. At best frosty and distant, and at worst violent. Bucky decided any bullshit from you was worth it to check you were okay.

Looking down at himself Bucky realized he only had boxers on, grabbing a t-shirt from the floor he shoved it over his head and headed out the door. Stood outside your bedroom door the shouts were louder now.

"B? Bucky knocked on the door. He was met with silence so he tried again. "B, what's going on? Are you okay? Just tell me and I will go."

There was no clear reply only more muffled shouts. Bucky decided to try the blindingly obvious. Turning the handle he was surprised it moved, slowly the door opened. That was easy since you hadn't locked it. He had images of breaking down the door. The light from the hall cast a small glow on the room as he opened it. You were laying safely and alone in bed, but you looked far from okay. Your face twisted into pained expressions as your body moved as if to fight someone off in your sleep.

 You opened your eyes and gasped in shock as you woke suddenly. You looked around confused then saw him. The winter soldier with a hand on your shoulder looming over you. You pushed his hand off of you and pushed yourself away to the other side of the bed.

"What the fuck are you doing here? Don't fucking touch me! Which one is of you is it?" You shouted at him.

"Its's me, It's Bucky, don't worry it's not...him, sorry to scare you." Bucky looked down at the floor feeling awkward as he pulled his arm away swiftly.

"What are you doing in my room?!"

"You were shouting, and screaming. I just came to see if you were okay."

"Oh aren't you a fuckign saint. St Bucky Barns, the patron saint of murder."

"B," Bucky sighed. "Please I just came to check on you. I'm glad it was just a nightmare, and you weren't actually hurt or something."

"Aw well aren't you sweet. Want to know who was in my nightmare? YOU. It's always you. I took that fucking sleeping pill as I couldn't sleep. finally do sleep only to have the memories plague me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't."

"I'm sorry B. For what it's worth, I know about nightmares."

"Bucky, why are you still here? Just fucking go."

"One thing B, you are awake but I know what you are feeling. You have sweat on your brow. Your body is pumped ready for fight or flight. Adrenalin is surging. You can't work out what is real, what was a memory and what never even happened. I know B, I know. Just 'cos you are awake doesn't mean the nightmare goes away." Bucky braved making eye contact with you. He could see it in your eyes, he was right. You looked wild and terrified. The bed was so messed up with the sheets pulled from the mattress and pillows on the floor. Your face looked flushed and your chest heaved. There was not going to be anymore sleep for you tonight.

"Don't think you fucking know me now." You threw a pillow at him aiming for his head but he caught it easily with one hand, his metal hand. 

"You are right I don't know you, but I know this. I'm awake now...I'm going to go to the kitchen...I'll make you some tea."

"I don't want your tea."

"I'm making it anyway for myself. I'll leave a cup in the kitchen you want it it's there if you don't fine stay here. Just...don't throw it over me B."

"Well now you are just giving me ideas." You smirked and caught the same smirk spread on Bucky's face, a shared joke. Realizing you pulled some covers up over your body and changed your smile to a glare. "Fuck off out of my room now."

"Fine, you know where I'll be."

You let out a sigh and fell back into the bed your head hitting the mattress as Bucky left the room. God damn it he hadn't even shut the door! Slowly you got up, your hands shook as you reached for the door. You paused about to close it shut when tears pricked at your eyes. You didn't want to admit it but Bucky was right, the nightmares had left you shaken your body raging with mixed emotions. You let out a sigh of defeat and headed out of your bedroom to the communal kitchen. Your sleep shorts and vest you decided covered enough of you to go out of your room.  

The lift doors opened as you bare foot padded out towards the kitchen. The sound of the kettle boiling the only noise in the deep silence of the night. It felt odd to be pacing the halls at this time. Bucky had left the lights on quite dim and his large frame a dark figure in the kitchen, He reached up and pulled out some mugs and tea bags placing one in each cup. His arm muscles bulging and flexing through his tight t-shirt as he did so, you forced your eyes away and focused on staring at the your arms as your stood with them crossed. 

"So tea is a good idea after all then?" Bucky didn't even turn to look at you.

"Shut up, no smugness. Don't think you are getting any pleases or thank you's from me after waking me up."

"I didn't expect them B..." Bucky sounded so use to your snide comments they were just routine now. "If you sit on the couch I'll bring it over to you. Let it brew a minute."

You did as you were told and sat with your legs curled up under you on the couch. The same couch you had fallen asleep on Bucky previously. Tony didn't skimp on quality, it was comfortable and you felt your body relax slightly sinking into the soft cushions. The clink of china made your groggy but stressed mind jolt as Bucky placed a cup on the floor next to you then with his own cup in hand sat on the other side of the couch. You reached down and took a sip of the scolding hot drink. You weren't going to admit to Bucky you had just burn your tongue on it. A few minutes passed in silence as the only sound in the room was of the odd sip of drinks.

"I'm sorry B...that I woke you, I just was checking you were okay." Bucky's voice sounded strange after the period of silence.

"It's fine. I must of been shouting out quite loud. No ones heard it before."

"So....they don't know about your dreams?"

"Only Nat."

"You and Nat, you are close?"

"Yeah, not that it's any of your business Bucky." 

"I'm sorry."

You closed your eyes trying to subdue the anger that hit you suddenly. Sorry, sorry, sorry, It;s all he ever said. You took the last big sip of your drink then roughly placed the cup on the floor. Getting up you stood in front of Bucky and glared.

"Stop with the fucking sorry! I get it!"

"B...I just don't know what else to say to you....I'm genuinely sorry!" He saw your chest rise and fall as you took deep angry breaths. Bucky saw how your hair was tousled from disturbed sleep and couldn't help but admire how hot you looked with it a mess. Even with out a hint of make up he thought you were stunning. His eyes fell to your lip as you chewed it then flicked your tongue across it it leaving it shiny and moist.

You lent forward placing an arm either side of Buckys head to the back of the couch, you were mere inches from his face as your hot breath landed on him. You looked at him in the eye before shouting in his face, "What part of stop do you not get! Broken fucking record Barnes. SORRY? Sorry means jack! Sorry doesn't change the past! Sorry doesn't change the dreams or the scars!"

A few strands of hair had fallen over your face during your outburst. Without thinking Bucky reached up to tuck them back behind your ear. Before his hand could reach them you smacked it away, "Don't fucking touch me."

 You remained looming over him angry he thought he could touch you. How dare he. You shouted in his face and he was trying to touch you? Why? What was wrong with the guy? Why hadn't he just left this base already. You stared into this eyes. You thought about standing back up straight, walking out of here and going back to your room. You were frozen. Something keeping you in place. You were close enough to smell him, a fresh smelling shower gel scent. He smelt good, damn good. You saw Bucky's gaze go to your lips then flick back to your eyes, his mouth parting slightly. A tightness rose in your chest, fresh adrenaline surged.

Before you knew what you were doing your lips were crashing into his, simultaneously you had both gone for the kiss meeting in the middle in a needful kiss. He sighed into your mouth as over and over your lips met. Fast, primal, laced in desire. You felt his tongue slip across your lips parting them and then entering your mouth. Tongues met deepening the kiss. Bucky placed a hand on each hip and gently pulled you on top of him. Your lags straddled each side of him on the couch not even breaking the kiss by the movement. His hands crept up the back of your vest pulling you in closer as they moved across your smooth skin. Your hand moved from the couch to the tangle of his hair. Holding his head in place as the kiss became rougher and rougher as passion rose. You felt the heat in your lower regions. The burning, the aching, the needing that wanted sensation.

You pulled away breathless and eyes wide from the kiss. You saw the want and need written on Bucky's face, you knew it mirrored your own but you wouldn't admit it. Your senses slowly returned as neither one of you spoke or moved to reignite the kiss. You pushed yourself off of his lap and sat panting next to him. You could not bare to look him in the eye.

His hand slowly moved to rest on your bare thigh, fate would have it on a scar, you knocked it away. "Don't. Don't you dare."

"I shouldn't of done that B..."

"Christ Bucky don't you dare say it again!"

You stood up, legs jelly and wobbly but you put all your effort to not showing it in front of Bucky. You were still processing what had just happened. You had never known a kiss so sensual, so intense. Your body screamed for more. Your eyes looked down and spotted Bucky's hard erection bulging in his shorts. It was evidently mutual the aftermath of the burning desire. It crossed your mind you could hop on that dick there and then, give your body what it was apparently wanting. Your mind struggled to regain control of your senses. You began to walk away, away from Bucky, away from the kitchen. "Not a fucking word to anyone about this! Going to need strong coffee in the morning. It's late. I need sleep."

"No one would believe me anyway B...." Bucky sounded in a state of shock not sure entirely what had just happened. Who kissed who exactly? Your lips left ghosting on his own as the memories were fresh.

* * *

 

You groaned as your alarm clock went off. 7:30. You had told Nat you would go for a run at 8 but you were now regretting that. After such an unsettled night you had hardly slept a wink. Your body felt numb and your mind spaced out, like the two weren't connected. Rushing a shower and getting dressed you headed to the kitchen to grab a coffee. Memories of the night before came flooding back. It felt almost dream like and at first you doubted it had even happened. Two cups still by the couch told you it very was had been real. You had been weak, scared, vulnerable from the nightmares. Bucky had taken advantage. You would never of made out with him otherwise. You thought for a second about telling Nat, to laugh at it. Would she turn it into a big deal? No don't give her ammo, best kept a secret. Bucky had best keep his trap shut about it. If Tony found out you would never hear the end of it! 

As you went to grab a coffee mug a white bit of paper caught your attention. There in a travel mug still warm was coffee with a note propped up against it with your name written on it. God damn you Barnes...you had said you would need a coffee come the morning...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader didn't see that coming...


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will you and Bucky handle a mission together?

A month went by, frictions were still running high but you had slowly grown accustomed to the presence of the soldier. You didn't like it but grew to view it as just part of life on the base. Like a dull chronic ache that was always there, niggling at you but could be over looked from time to time. So accustomed to it that it just became your norm. You had avoided Bucky completely going to great extremes not to be near him, especially alone with him. From time to time the kiss would cross your mind but you would turn your train of thought away from how it felt and back to your hatred for the man. Many nights sleep still eluded you but the nightmares had been less vocal so didn't draw attention. Like it or not this man was etched into your brain. He was a part of your past, had intruded on your present and you tried not think of his future here on the base.

It was Saturday night. Everyone was on base, even those that normally spent time away with family. Pizza and a movie had been decided but you had avoided the arguments over what film completely. You had zero intentions of going. You knew who would be there. A low level of anticipation of if you went moved through you stirring some untold feelings. Memories flashed again in your mind of his smell, the feeling of his hands on you, the taste of tea and sugar on his lips. Your hand absent minded went to your mouth reliving the sensations. A knock on the door jolted you, breaking the daydream and bringing you back to reality.

"Yes?" you called out not even hiding the annoyance in your voice. Please not Bucky, please not Bucky, please not Bucky.

"It's me. Can I come in?"

Thank god for that, not Bucky, "it's open Nat."

Natasha opened the door then closed it again. That simple action and you knew. She wanted privacy, she wanted to talk. She looked you up and down taking in the fact you were in pyjamas.

"I take it you aren't going to come out, watch a film?" Natasha casually headed to your dressing table and looked at your perfume bottles. Your expensive ones were for undercover missions. Playing part of rich socialite had become second nature so you had to fit the role. The little details had to be just so. Designer handbags, manicured nails, glitzy jewellery. Nat picked up a bottle tucked away behind the rest. Stainless steel tube with a dropper. Natasha went to unscrew the lid.

"No! Nat! Don't!" you screamed at her.

She froze looking confused and turned to you seeing the panic on your face.

"It's not perfume Nat! That is pheromones! You will either want to jump me or be declaring your undying love for me if you inhale too deeply!" You started laughing as she instantly put the bottle back.

"Well thanks for the heads up. I need to get myself some of that. Remember the Cuba trip? I seem to remember it worked very well for you there."

"Yep, putty in my hands. What do you say, shopping trip soon? I need some new high heels."

"Hmm, concealed poison heels or plain concealed blade heels?"

You shrugged, "Both?"

"It's been awhile since we went on a spree. It's been awhile since we hung out B," Natasha sat on the edge of your bed looking serious.

"Yeah well busy busy busy."

"B," Nat sounded stern. "No, you haven't been. You've hardly left your room and your runs have been well away from base. What is going on?"

Nat was the one person in the world you could talk to, confide in. You didn't like keeping things from her.

"It's just...I've been having more nightmares...and it's hard in case...."

"In case what B?"

"I run into the person from my nightmares."

"Oh, you mean Barnes?"

"Bingo." Your eyes widened at just the mention of his name, your cheeks and even your ears felt hot, palms clammy. 

"I guessed that was it. You know he's been hiding away as well? You are both hiding from each other. I don't blame him though, not after your previous outbursts at him. They are at an all time low with you both tucked away in your rooms, even if he is just next door."

"Yeah, no screaming at him since..." your mind brought up the kiss. When you shouted in his face, the proximity had been so intensely close. You had felt the heat rise from him. His exhale of breath.

"Since?" Nat had noticed you trail off.

"Since I can't remember. I have stayed away. Steve might not like it if I strangle his best bud. Or stab him. Or poison him. Or shoot him."

"Oh haven't you been busy plotting B?"

"A girls gotta be prepared with a brainwashed assassin next door."

"B, what the fuck do you think you are then?"

"Nat don't start this."

"Fine, fine. Hate to be the barer of bad news but um, mission tomorrow. Thought I'd give you heads up. Bit of action will do you good."  Nat winked as she got up heading to the door. She paused about to exit. "B, remind me to borrow some of your....perfume. It could be fun. Tony and Steve? Lace the two of them with it? Record it for ya know, research purposes."

"Nat you are evil but hilarious, and that is why I love you."

"Night B. Pizza is out here if you change your mind." Nat left your room leaving you alone once more. She was right. Mission sounded good, a welcome distraction to your own mind.

* * *

Promptly at ten am the next morning you prepared for your mission. Nothing you hadn't done before. The sound of your boots click clacked on the tarmac followed by an echo. Turning around you came face to face with Nat. You smirked at the matching outfits. Her suite was black while yours a dark grey with some black panels of leather. Near identical outfits, identical boots. Nat tossed a hand gun at you which you caught and tucked into the holster on your hip. Now matching guns.

The doors to the quinjet opened to show Wanda and Steve sat waiting. From the shadows a figure stepped out, dressed in a black leather tactical jacket and black trousers. Metal glinted in the light. Bucky. Nat had never made any mentioned of this. Your eyes narrowed as your brows came together, your lip twitched slightly. Seeing the anger written across your face Bucky looked away from you, gaze now focused on the ground. It was hard to look away, his eyes wanted to drink you in. They wanted to feast upon you knowing they still wouldn't be satisfied. You were stunning like this and left him wanting more.

He had seen so little of you recently. Secretly he hoped be would run into you, even for you to spout verbal abuse if it meant a chance to see you. Bucky felt guilty, but he partially hoped some more night time screams would filter through the walls. An excuse to go knocking, an excuse to make you tea...maybe just maybe an excuse to get the chance of another kiss. So unexpected yet had left it's mark on him.

Bucky watched the sway of your hips as you stomped onto the aircraft, how your outfit hugged your body, how you moved confidently and with control. Truthfully, you were hot when you were pissed off. You sat yourself down in a seat and angled your body away from the still standing soldier. Bucky felt he could steal glances without being caught. You looked over from the corner of your eye at the exact same moment he did. For a second your gaze softened until you snapped your eyes away once more and the frown intensified. Natasha came and sat next next to you half obscuring Bucky's view.

"You knew didn't you," you said accusingly to Nat.

"Yep."

"And you didn't say anything."

"Yep."

"Why is he here Nat?" 

"It's a base that Bucky is familiar with. We need information held there and to ascertain what's going on. Rumors of human experiments. Trying to create a new winter soldier." Nat explained.

"One's fucking enough!" Leaning forward to see past Nat you glared at Bucky once again.

Vision and Sam joined the fourof you on the quinjet. You guessed Tony was not joining for the same reason you would of refused had you known. The journey was spent with the team discussing the known intel, speculation and what to expect. Nat frowned at you, very much aware you were being unusually silent. Nat knew you inside and out, something was wrong that went deeper than nightmares. You hadn't been like this when Bucky first arrived, this was different to that explosion of emotions from you. This was avoidant behavior, distracted and retreating away from her. 

 Steve landed a small distance away. You all were hoping this would be to your advantage if the base was stupid enough not to detect you, however you all fully anticipated to be met on arrival if they had picked you up. Bucky, Wanda, Vision and Sam circled the perimeter to the left looking for an entrance. Steve, Natasha and you went to the right hoping to gain entry. Slowly you crept around the only sound the quiet snaps of your footsteps as you navigated through trees. No patrols or outside guards detected so over the coms the two teams decided to enter the building. Natasha easily override the key code. The building looked like it was in need of some basic maintenance. Plaster fell, the lights were dim and occasionally flickered.  Rats scurried away with a squeek as the trio moved through the building. Rooms and corridors split off. Office rooms were empty but a desk and chair remained in place paperwork gone and electronics removed. 

"Guys," Sam's voice called out in into your ear piece. "Doesn't look like anyone's home."

"Fingers crossed you're right and it was all a false alarm, sweep of the base to confirm." Steve replied. 

Silently and expertly you all continued creeping through. Suddenly after such silence, gunshots echoing seemed loud and out of place, unexpected. 

An out of breath voice of Bucky muffled by gun shots echoed through the communications, "There are three of them. We will take them out easy."

Natasha looked at a device on her wrist, "They aren't far, we can go to them. Sneak up from the rear."

Out of nowhere a boom shook the building, the lights flickered and plaster fell from the walls and ceiling in places. You and Natasha looked at each other then sprinted after the sound.

"Head count guys!" Steve shouted into his ear piece.

"We are fine, I think." Bucky sounded calm and collected. "Them, not so much, three dead just checking life signs now. Be careful of fire, furniture set ablaze. Think they were hoping to take some of us out with themselves."

Entering the room where the rest of your team stood, now dirtier than before, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Your eyes fell to Bucky. He stood confidently holding his gun as if it was second nature. A serious look across his face, he looked...sexy, a flutter in your stomach rose up at the sight. A gash on his right cheek had a small drop of blood. You had a sudden urge to go wipe it away. What were you thinking? It was literally a scratch, nothing compared to your ordeal at his hands. 

You spied the burnt corpse of two of the guys in front of you the third sightly to your right in the room, bending down you went to take a closer look not even sure how you would check for pulse given the state of the body.  The smell of burning filled your lungs. The body to the right suddenly moved before you could even react. Standing up his frame was huge. He grabbed you by the neck from behind lifting you up. You tried to kick backwards and claw at his fingers but he dug in tighter.

"Wow buddy, you don't look so good," you heard Sam mutter as burnt flesh slid from his fingers and arms where you clawed. 

In a split second Bucky was on him, dragging him off you. You coughed as his grip let go of you. You turned with fist raised ready and eager to take on this lunatic to find Bucky was claiming him for his own. Using his metal hand on the back of the guys head, he rammed his head into a brick wall. Over and over with such force he bashed in the guys face. Bucky's lip turned up in a snarl as his eyes were wide. The guys face had completly caved in the skull now being pulverized.

"Bucky!" You shouted at him. "Bucky that's enough!"

He ignored you and kept on pounding, his face looked so distorted with rage as if he was consumed. You placed a hand on his shoulder and lent in to whisper into his ear, "Bucky."

Bucky snapped out of it and released the liquid mess that was left of the guys head, the corpse slumped to the floor with a sickening thud. Your hand remained on his shoulder. Bucky glanced at it then to your face as his eyes relaxed. He could feel the electricity run through him from your touch. He never wanted you to move your hand away, Bucky wished he could freeze frame the moment. As he looked at him you began to pity him. He suddenly wanted to take hold of your hand and pull you in tibab embrace.

That same all consuming rage was what you had felt when he arrived on base. When you had come face to face with the demons of your past. You were on a Hydra base and attacked by Hydra soldiers. His demons from his past. You saw yourself in his eyes. Perhaps you were more a like than you cared to admit. Just like the others had said. You thought about how consumed he had been in the moment it had been complete overkill on the enemy. Something that didn't go unnoticed by others. The same spark Bucky felt surged from him through your fingers, you pulled your hand away quick, as if he had suddenly become poisoned. 

You looked down at yourself and at the others, you and Bucky were splattered in this guys brains and burnt flesh. Others were covered in dust from the blast. You suddenly felt the need to go back to base and wash off. After a final sweep of the base you as a group boarded the jet for the return trip home.

Over all a rather simple mission. Apart from you couldn't get the image out of your mind. How good Bucky looked on the mission. You glanced over at him but he was in conversation with Steve. You noticed how at ease Bucky looked with Steve compared to everyone else. A hint of a smile gleaming in his eye. Bucky glanced over, you panicked and looked away as if it hadn't happened. You hoped he hadn't caught you looking. The way his hair fell across his face smeared with blood and soot, the way his arm bulged in the sexy leather jacket, the way he had seemed almost protective over you. It was just angry over kill wasn't it nothing more to it than that? 

You looked to Nat, "After debrief I need a cold shower and a hot coffee, vanilla syrup and cream on top. more sugar the better. I know we have some coffee syrups stashed away."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please stick around. Things are going to get good real good ;) i promise.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky only meant a kind gesture, but it turns into something else.

Rubbing the towel across your wet hair you let out a satisfied sigh. It felt so good to have washed the hydra soldiers brains from you. Not the first time you had been splattered with brains and probably not the last. The last occurrence had been after Nat had used a shot gun on a would be attacker. You smiled remembering how she had shouted "duck" and trusted you to carry out the order in time. You and Nat did make a good team, so good you had made quite a name for yourselves. The two of you earning the name "the sisters". Of course you weren't real sisters but she was as close as you had ever had. While life with shield then the avengers had put your talents to good use, if anything happened you knew it would still be you and Nat. 

Shower done now it was now time for that coffee you were longing for. A nice hot steaming mug. You wore a black silk camisole with matching silk lounge bottoms as you made your way to the communal kitchen. Turning into the kitchen a familiar shape greeted you. The large, solid frame of Bucky Barnes. First the mission and now this? Twice in one day, luck was not on your side. You cleared your throat alerting him to your presence. You had contemplated sneaking away but the need of coffee proved stronger.

Bucky turned to you, "B! Was hoping it would take you one more minute. It's not ready."

You stormed over to see what he was hiding while grumbling "what's not ready?"

Bucky moved his body to block your view. Darting to the right he copied the movement blocking you again, each time you moved to see what he was hunched over he would stop you.

"Bucky let me see!" You tried to push past him and nearly pushed him aside when his arm came up blocking you. Unfortunately as he did so a sudden sensation made you scream out in pain and surprise. Boiling hot liquid splashed all down the front of you. Looking down you saw coffee everywhere and it was HOT. You ran to the sink and started splashing cold water over your torso.

"I am so sorry B!"

"Fuck you Bucky! Fuck you! What the actual fuck was that about?"

"I heard you say...you wanted a coffee...I was making it."

"Seriously?! You just had to punch it at me though?"

"It was going to be in a fancy tall glass, lots of cream. Sprinkled with cocoa and everything."

"Stop it! Just stop it! I can look after myself! Earlier and now this? I survived this far no thanks to you!" You turned to face him after turning off the tap. 

"I'm sorry B I just ...I don't know... I just don't know what came over me....I thought you were in danger. Back there. At the base."

Bucky grabbed a tea towel and stepped forward with the towel in hand. One step at a time he walked towards you stopping when he came face to face with you glaring at him.  Slowly the towel came up, Bucky started to dab at the coffee and water. Over your shoulder he moved the towel with gentle pats, moving down your arm then across to your chest. He looked you in the eye as he moved it across your breasts. Goosebumps sent a shiver down you. Subconsciously you held your breath as you maintained eye contact. Deep into those blue eyes you felt your self get lost as time stood still. Your facial expression changed from pure anger as you softened your features. The intensity in the gaze grew as his movements slowed down. Anticipation began to surge through your veins when you realized he had stopped dabbing at the wet stain but was still pressing the towel to your skin. Stood locked in each others gaze. Neither one of you blinked as if breaking eye contact would end the magic. You wanted him to grab you and kiss you, sit you on the counter top, kiss down your neck, your mind ran wild out of nowhere.

His free hand hovered over your hip. Lingering just millimeters from touching you. A fingertip skimmed the fabric of your top teasing you, a hint of the touch you were craving. You tilted your head up as your breathing deepened. You closed your eyes finding it intense. Instead of kissing you like you anticipated he pulled away suddenly and it felt like a whoosh of emotions were pulled out of you as well. Bucky threw the tea towel on to the counter. You let out a deep breath you didn't know you were with holding as you watched him leave. He left you confused and alone in the kitchen, with lips longing for a kiss that never came. Tears were threatening to prick your eyes it had been so intense. 

* * *

 

 The only sound from the gym was the thumps and thuds of a punching bag being annihilated. The odd grunt, groan and sigh breaking up the constant barrage on the innocent piece of gym equipment. The subtle glow of damp sweat glowed across your skin, shiny as it caught the light. Natasha moved from her position in the doorway deciding you had worked out enough anger to approach. She had no idea what you were angry about but was going to assume it was Bucky Barnes related. For a man you hated so much, Nat thought you gave him an awful lot of space and time in that head of yours. 

"Hey B, that thing not dead yet?" Natasha startled you, you had been so lost in your mind. 

"Nearly," one last punch sent it swinging violently. Your knuckles were sore, but you were not about to admit it, just like many things.

"Well we were thinking of heading out for some dinner. Me, Steve, Clint and Sam. Everyone else passed."

"And....Barnes?"

"No, he's not coming B, don't worry. Sulking in his room over something, Steve said he wanted to stay there. In a bad mood." Nat crossed her arms and lent against the wall.

You grabbed a sports bottle and took a sip of water, you were trying to act casual as you got the information from Nat, "Steve say what the mood was about?"

"No, I'm starting to wonder was it about you though? B, what did you do to him this time. Please don't say you crossed the line and finally stabbed him or something. What did he do wrong, music to loud? Steal the last bit of your pizza? What?"

"Nat! I have some restraint! It's been oh so tempting believe me. But no, I haven't done anything like that. I don't know what his deal is."

"Sure you don't." Nat narrowed her eyes at you slightly. 

"Think I'll pass today but thanks for the invite. Wish Barnes WAS going now so I wouldn't see him on base."

"Is it that bad B? Him next door? He's practically a recluse anyway!"

"It was meant to be temporary him in that room after his meltdown and destroying his own." You put your hand on your hip huffing your annoyance.

"Well his room's been sorted," Nat shrugged. "He got option to go back but he's said he's staying in that one. Moved his stuff across already apparently."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" You shouted not meaning to be so rude to Nat. "He has been there, so close to me very single god damn night when he didn't have to be. What's his fucking problem!"

"Wrong person to ask. I know next to nothing about the guy. He did mention something about keeping an eye on your nightmares? What did he mean?" The red heads voice sounded genuinely concerned.  

"He, he meant nothing. Don't listen to such an impulsive man."

"Yeah if you say so B, and impulsive?"

"Yeah Nat, don't you think he lacks a bit of....self control? Like he does things without fucking thinking. Like bashing in the brains of a hydra corpse who was clearly dead. Let's hope next mission that's all he does when he has lost the lid on his anger."

Nat frowned then used her foot to push back away from the wall, "I'm going now. Try not to murder him while we are out. You are going to have to learn to live with him I am afraid."

 

Natasha entered the lobby after your decline of the invitation to find the guys waiting for her ready to go. She was ready for the arguments about where to go to eat. Steve would want somewhere in Brooklyn, it was predictable she could bet money on it.

"Any Lady S today?" Clint asked noticing Nat returned alone.

"B said no. Would rather break her hand on inanimate objects." Nat rolled her eyes.

"She hasn't seemed her usual self Nat," Steve sounded concerned.

Sam winked, "B just needs to get some. Girl needs some action. Put a smile on her face."

"For once I will refrain from slapping you, for once you might just be right about her." 

"I offer myself as tribute." Sam jokingly raised his hand."

Clint mumbled under his breath, "Yeah, you wish."

"I HEARD THAT!" Sam retorted as he headed out the door.

* * *

Bucky was laid on his bed watching the television, their mouths were moving but he had given up following the plot. Maybe he should of gone out for dinner, but then he would of just brought down everyone's mood. Fuck! He was such a god damn idiot. He cringed knowing he was alone so no one could see his face. Why didn't he just kiss you? You were right there! The black satin camisole had felt so smooth on his skin, and looked so good on yours. He could of just kissed you and pulled it off over your head. He had seen the outline of your nipple as the wet fabric clung to you. He replayed the look on your face as he had walked out, you looked almost hurt. You, B, Lady S, hurt.  And he had been the cause, once again. All he wanted was to do something nice for you and he had well and truly screwed it all up. He felt his cock twitching as he remembered. Your eyes closed, your lips ready. Your body inviting and seductive. What were you going to be doing in the room next door all night alone? Bucky's cock grew harder. He shoved a hand down his boxer shorts and he palmed his growing penis up and down. Fuck. the images coming to his mind were obscene. That outfit from the mission had made it hard to keep himself down. It had looked so good on you, then the outfit in the kitchen. What would it be like to remove it slowly? He moaned out loud as the fantasy grew stronger in his mind.  

A door slammed making him jump. Swiftly he pulled his hand back out feeling guilty over what he had just nearly done. So close to cumming to the thought of you, he was a creep. A pervert as well as a monster. You would be absolutely disgusted to find out.  Shame filled him. That had been quite a door slam. You must of come back angry he thought. Concern for you rose. What should he do? Make you a tea or coffee and leave it by your door? Leave a note saying he was free to talk if you wanted to? Or as most likely would happen, would you throw it all back in his face?  After all he had no idea what you were angry over. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was short. the kitchen moment deserved a chapter and I couldn't pad it out. This set up the next chapter nicely I think. It will be a good one I hope. Hold on to your hats, wigs and panties.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So angry about Bucky's refusing to go back to his old room, you knock on his door to work out your anger.

Working up quite a sweat you felt so disgusting and gross. You peeled off the gym clothes and stepped into the shower. The punching bag had taken some abuse but it hadn't done anything to relieve your body of the pent up stress. You felt like you were raging, like every bit of you was flooded and flowing with energy. Like you could run a marathon. The warm water hit you and relaxed your tight muscles only somewhat.  The showers on the base were amazing, Tony had not scrimped on tye quality. Your hands smoothed over your skin rubbing in the scented shower gel. Lower they ran to your pussy. Your finger circled your clit sending a wave of tingling pleasure. It began to build up but your mind blocked it as soon as it felt it's was goinh somewhere. God damn it, your mind was to busy to relax and enjoy it. Even that had been ruined for you. All down to Bucky fucking Barnes.

Your stomach felt on fire with anger and now sexual tension. Violently slamming off the shower tap you stepped out and grabbed a town to angrily dry yourself. Every action rushed and filled with annoyance. You felt like you weren't in control of the anger which had taken temporary control of your mind and body.  Standing in front of a chest of draws you pulled out a pair of black lacey panties, slipping them on they sat perfectly on your ass making it look so round and juicy. Opening your cupboard door you found a black bodycon dress. So short it was more like a long vest, normally you would of worn with leggings of some skin but didn't bother today. It covered your ass enough not to be obscene and just bordering indecent. Not like you were going to go far dressed like this anyway.

Stepping out of your bedroom door you took the few steps to Bucky's. Your fists were balled tight as you knocked on the door, he better be in you frowned to yourself or this was going to be pointless. He opened it slowly and cautiously, he had obviously not been expecting company. Your hand went to his chest, you pushed him back and walked him backwards. Using your other hand you slammed the door shut. You had such intensity in your eyes he could not read. His hands were up slightly at his sides ready for the onslaught of punches or slaps he anticipated.

"B!" Bucky sounded surprised and defensive.

"Shut up don't fucking talk." Staring deep into his eyes you continued walking him back as you stepped forward, aggressive, assertive, dominant.  Bucky maintained the eye contact letting himself be pushed about, he had been taken by surprise.  You stopped when his legs hit the edge of the bed.

 

"Sit." Bucky obliged your command not saying a word, looking up at you mouth open.

Without warning you took off your dress. Bucky's eyes nearly popped out of hiss head in surprise. With no bra on and those sexy panties you looked amazing as you placed a hand on your hip and licked your lips. His eyes drank in the peaks of your breasts. Something took over him. He couldn't hold back at the sight of you. Standing up he roughly grabbed you by the wasted then landed backwards on the bed. Dragging you with him so you lay flat on him. You felt so good pressed up against him. Your solid warmth so inviting, your breath hot on his skin. Your hand slithered up his top feeling every rise and dip of his toned torso. His breathing had sped up, you could feel his heart beating fast in his chest. Sitting up you straddled his waist pulling his t-shirt over his head head.

 Leaning down and you his chest., fast needful kisses. He shivered feeling your hot breath on his skin this was so surreal. Was he dreaming? You kept kissing lower and lower. You relaxed the waist band of hiss jogging pants. Bucky felt like he was going to explode from the anticipation already. Your hand delved inside without warning. Bucky groaned and bucked unto your hand as you palmed his cock through his boxers. He was already hard and straining. He had been practically from the minute you walked in the door. After only a few seconds you seemed bored and eager to move on. You were hungry but this wasn't the taste you were after. You needed more. You needed to switch off this brain and push your body to the brink to release the tension. 

You pulled down his joggers and sweat pants letting his cock spring free. You stood up and looked at him laid back on the bed and Bucky was mesmerized but the sight of you. Keeping your panties on you pounced on him him once again. Your pussy warm even through panties as you straddled him. His cock rubbing against the thin material of your panty gusset. 

 "B!"

 "I said not to fucking talk didn't I. Shut up and fucking fuck me!" As you said the words you felt his cock twitch against you and warmth flood your pussy. You were sure you were wet now if you weren't already.

 You pulled your panties to the side. Your wetness no longer contained as you lined yourself up with his cock, his head getting coated in the juice. Without foreplay or warning you sat down on him impaling yourself to the hilt on his thick, large cock. His eyes wide as he moaned at the unexpected sensation. He couldn't believe you were here on top of him with his dick buried deep in you. His hands traveled to your hips where he duf in slightly, needful for more as you remained still. You bit your lip as you were adjusting to his size but got the hint. You started rolling your hips back and forth grinding down onto him, trying to get him as deep inside as you possibly could. It felt amazing Bucky so deep in you and your clit rubbing against him with each roll of your hips. The thoughts in your brain were finally starting to switch off as the moment took over.Your head fell back as you let a moan escape your parted mouth. Bucky decided it was the most heavenly sight he had ever laid eyes on. Little pants and moans left your beautiful soft lips as you continued rocking back and forth building up the pace. Your breasts bounced beautiful up and down.

Suddenly you stopped rocking back and forth, lifting your self up to slide off of his cock. Once his cock has reached just inside the entrance of your dripping pussy you slammed down, hard, taking his length again. Over and over you fucked yourself on his cock. Bucky began to help you rise and fall on him as he lifted you up and down. At the same time his hips bucked up to meet you causing you to let out a scream io pure pleasure. The pace began to speed up. Over and over you slammed down as he slammed himself into you at an impossible speed. You had never known anything so fast. So rough. So brutal. So animalistic. so pure in sexual energy. Make no mistake, there was nothing romantic about the dizzying pace. This was pure sex with no hint of love making involved.

 The moans that left your mouth couldn't be contained. Just as you had planned you were lost in the moment. You weren't thinking about it. You weren't thinking about anything. Your mind cleared unable to function. Anger melted away. Memories melted away. There was only you and Bucky now with energy rising. Sweat dripped down your chest. Shiny and sexy on your neglected breasts. Bucky sat up and licked it clean ,some deep desire to taste you, drink you in. Bucky used the new position to flip you over onto the bed. You laid on his bed with legs spread wide as he didn't hesitate to start ramming into you. He was struggling not to cum. This was all so insane. His hands tilted your hips up to fuck deep into you. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head as your tits bounced in time with each thrust. Such speed you could barely register one thrust before another hit into you. You felt dizzy and hot. Your body felt like it was rising from the bed. Your hands grabbed at the bed sheets either side of you unable to contain it. Without warning you chest heaved up as you let out a scream. Bucky slowed down slightly watching every second of your orgasm beneath you. He felt you flutter around his cock as a gush of warm liquid acted as fresh lubricant.

 You looked at him in the eyes as you started coming down from the high, you whispered his name. At the sound of your breathless and euphoric voice he couldn't help it, he slammed deep into you.  Letting out a shriek as you were so sensitive but it felt so good filling you up deep. One pump, two pumps into you and he released his warm seed deep inside. Bucky went rigid before falling down on top of you. Breathless. Sweaty, hot and spent. You were both well and truly fucked. Once he had recovered enough Bucky rolled off and laid next you on the bed panting as he stared up at the ceiling. He was scared to look at you. Like you would disappear if he did, like it hadn't been real.

 You stood up. Your panties pulled back in position from the side catching your now mingled juice. Hurriedly you grabbed dress and pulled it back over your head. You walked to the door in silence your legs felt heavy and weak, his bed seemed suddenly so inviting to fall back on and recover but arrogance stopped you. Pausing you turned back to look at him laying out of breath, naked, ruined. You felt a fresh wave of warmth deep in you at the sight of him. You smirked knowing he was a mess from you. Bucky had ruined you now you were ruining him.

 "Buck, I-" Bucky sat up watching you pause at the door, you looked at him like you wanted to say something. It was on the tip of your tongue, instead your face changed, suddenly you snapped back to your usual mask of anger.

 "Don't fucking mention this. To me or anyone. This never fucking happened. I never even got that fucking coffee "

 His heart felt like it was in a vice as you slammed his door shut. The rejection after the lust filled act that you had both been very much a part of stung. You regretted it. You regretted him he thought. This had been a mistake for you when it had been everything to Bucky. He could still smell you on his skin. Sex in the air. You were leaving him with rejection and heartache after giving him the deepest experience of his life.

 

Reaching your room you headed straight to the shower, again, gad nobody had seen you. While Bucky was left shocked savoring the moment you were eager to wash it from your skin. You felt sick an confused. You felt guilty for enjoying it. You couldn't deny there was a part of you that felt lighter, free. Like unburdened. But with all tye men on this base, Bucky fucking Barnes? You tried to wash and scrub like it would wash away the memory. Like you hadn't willingly just gone there and fucked the man you hated senseless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah 13 chapters and finally got some  
> Sorry smut wasn't longer. This wasn't a romantic sweet drawn out sex scene. It was straight to it no messing about.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's someones birthday and a secret slips out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making up birthdays here no idea when it actually is.

You slammed the kitchen cupboard door shut letting out a huff, you weren't even trying to hide your annoyance right now. Pouring wine into your glass you filled it to the very top.

"How long are you making me stay for Nat?" You started drinking the wine fast.

"Until the end."

"Why?"

"Because Wanda is your friend, it is her birthday, and everyone's here. You will stay at this party. You will talk at this party. You will smile at this party. You won't assault anyone at this party. You will stay to the end of this party. Now shut up, drink up and smile B. Pretend you are having a good time. For Wanda."  Nats hand on hip and serious glare showed she was not messing about. 

"I can't promise jack shit." Finishing the glass you poured another.

"How much you had to drink B?" Nat frowned at the wine bottle infront of you on the kitchen work surface. She had yet to touch a drop of it.

"Does it matter? Three quarters of this bottle apparently."  You eyed up what was left in the clear glass bottle.

Nat sighed, this was a recipe for disaster. "You know who's going to be coming down later? Who will be here all night? Who you have to behave around?"

"Christ sake Nat. I'll be good. Have some faith in me. I've not hit, slapped or kicked the guy in how long? Other things maybe...." You sighed remember the night from a week ago. You had not spoken to Bucky since. Your eyes went wide realising what you had said.

"Other things? What other things?"

Your shoulders slumped in defeat, "We shared a cup of tea....and a kiss?"

"You what?!" Nat's eyes were wide in shock. She grabbed your arm."Tell me you are joking?!"

Screwing your eyes shut the wine betrayed you as you reluctantly spoke, "There's more."

Natasha looked around to check no one was able to hear then lowered her voice, "What 'more' exactly. B, what did you do..."

"If I tell you Nat just, please. Don't say anything. No judgement. Me and Bucky. I um, slept with him."

Natasha nearly dropped the glass in her hand, "You and....Bucky? When?"

"A week ago." You couldn't look Nat in the eye, instead you stared into your glass.

"How was the love making then?"

"Haha, wouldn't exactly call it that! Straight up fucking....it was...brutal...rough..."

"Well I don't know what to say B. Go get 'em or be careful? Don't tell Tony. He will be smug he was right."

"Right about what? I'll fucking kill him!"

"No you won't B. Now just go and enjoy the party." Natasha sauntered off to the directon of the crowd. You watched as she laughed and smiled. You were not in the partying mood. Truth be told you weren't sure what mood you were in. The night with Bucky had stirred confusing emotions where your only want was for none at all. You had fucked him to dull your mind but the result had been fleeting. You still felt such anger and hatred at him but then a sense of excitement and even lust now mingled in. While you worked hard to avoid him part of you deep down still wanted to bump into him. To see him, talk to him, to touch him, to kiss him....

Something snapped you out of your trance, you jumped realising the face of Steve Rogers was inches from yours. So lost in your mind you had been staring straight a head in a daze.

"Earth to B, you in there?" Steve's gaze went from your glass of wine to the wine bottle next to you. "Starting the party early then?"

"I was bullied into being here, nothing meant against Wanda, just didn't fancy it."

"You are here now try and enjoy it. I had to drag Buck. We already have one miserable face here." Hearing Steve say his name you felt a flutter in your chest. Great. He would be here. "How about you and me dance B?"

"Will you leave me alone if I say yes?" Steve nodded at you. "Then yes."

Steve gently held your hand then led you to the dance floor. You knocked back your wine in one and scrambled to place the glass on a surface as you were pulled out to the makeshift dance floor. Wanda smiled at you as she moved about to the music. Laughing, Steve spun you around then caught you placing a hand on your hip and grasping your hand in his other. You followed his lead swaying to the music drapping your hand on his shoulder.

You leaned in closer to shout over the music, "You know this is the wrong music for this style of music? This is music to twerk to not the foxtrot."

"I don't see myself twerking any time soon, sorry my old man moves bore you B."

"It's fine Steve, I'll throw this old dog a bone."

"How about you throw someone else a bone."

You looked puzzled, "Who?"

"Bucky. I appreciate things are calmer but they could be better. Play nice with him."

You nearly chocked on thin air at his choice of words. You and Bucky had certainly played nice alright and the word bone could be used as well. Steve obviously didn't know, good, Bucky had kept his mouth shut.

"Steve, it's complicated, alright?"

"I know B I know, I'm sorry I brought him here."

You continued to dance in silence until Sam tapped Steve on the shoulder, "Mind if I cut in?"

Steve dropped his hand from your hip and placed your hand in Sam's passing you over with a smile.

"I'm gonna show you how it's done B. Going go loosen you up a bit." Sam started moving to the music and the energy was contagious. You followed his lead. You found yourself throwing your arms up, grinding against him and all sorts as the wine had taken hold. Steve headed to the kitchen where he found Nat watching your every move. 

"Relax Nat, she's having fun."

"I can't Steve." Natasha turned to him.

"Is B okay?" 

"I'm not entirely sure. She's different. She's hiding away from me. Like she's slipping out of my grasp. I am worried. I have unraveled a small bit of what's gone on, but she's not telling me things. Important things. Like she use to."

"She's an adult Nat."

"What if it was Bucky? What if Bucky kept secrets from you?"

Steve sounded defensive, "He wouldn't. He knows he can trust me."

"Don't be so sure of that." Taking a sip of wine Natasha had knowing look in her eye. Steve turned his attention back to you. Your jeans were low on your hips, you top had ridden up as your arms were wrapped around Sam's neck. 

"Nat, is that what I think it is?"

"What?"

"On B's hips. They...look like bruises? Like hands?"

"Oh probably from training." Nat rememberd her earlier conversation with you, how you said the sex had been rough. Nat could even see the left was worse than the right, Buck's metal arm. Shit.

"B hasn't been going to training Nat you know that! Is she okay? Is someone hurting her? Her and Bucky didn't have a fight did they?!" His voice laced with concern.

"No, nothing like that...um. She got carried away with someone during the act of ya know, making love. That's all."

"Seriously? Who? Someone here?"

"I'm saying no more." Nat mimed zipping her mouth shut. "I'm worried she's going to get hurt but not in the way you were thinking. If B lets them in emotionally...I don't know how it will play out."

As if on cue Bucky arrived in the entrance. He looked sullen as he headed to Steve and Nat. Not saying a word he browsed the drink bottles finding some whiskey which he poured then added ice to. Bucky just nodded at Steve and Nat.

"Life and soul of the party was arrived," Natasha said sarcastically.

"Not by choice," Bucky grumbled taking a sip. 

Nat nodded in your direction, "Someone else had to be coerced as well. But a bit of wine and she's a dancing queen."

Watching how Sam touched you, how you laughed, how your hips swayed, Bucky frowned. He didn't like seeing you with him. It crossed his mind that perhaps you had fucked Sam as well. No reason why not. You were free and single after all, you could do as you please. Not that it pleased Bucky. That night played on his mind, it would not easily be forgotten.

"You going to dance Bucky," Nat smiled politely. There was only one person he would even consider dancing with and no offense to Nat, it wasn't her. Yeah she was pretty but Bucky felt nothing. The intensity he felt around you could not be easily replaced.

This vantange point is where Bucky remained, silent and brooding but doing as Steve had told. He couldn't keep his eyes from you but felt paranoid of being caught. As you drank a beer that had been passed to you your movements became less graceful, you became clumsy. Now with Steve gone talking to Sharon, Natasha took the opportunity to corner Bucky. He didn't even see her appear until she was whispering in his ear.

"I know." Natasha sounded stern despite the hushed voice.

"You know what exactly?" Bucky stared ahead not giving anything away.

"The one thing there is to know. Where B got those bruises from. Must of been rough."

Bucky snapped his vision to you and saw, he had no idea the marks he had left, guilt flooded him. Hurting you was last thing Bucky wanted to do. Plenty of other things crossed his mind....

"It was a one time thing Nat. She's not spoken to me since."

"Yeah well. We will see. If I know B, which I do, she just hasn't admitted to herself it happened. I know how much she says she hates you, so for her to have done that, done you. Something's changed."

Bucky shrugged in response not even sure how to respond.

"She's wasted Buck. Go wait in hallway. I'm sending her to bed. Maybe if you just happen to see her you can walk her back. But no funny business while she's drunk! Or your balls will be mine."

"Nat, thank you," Bucky meant it as he followed Nat's command and headed to the corridor you would have to take back to your room. 

It wasn't long before you came along with a slight sway in your walk. Bucky pushed himself from the wall he had been leant against.

"Hey, B," Bucky fell in line with your pace.

"And what do YOU want exactly?" You scoweled at him.

"Nothing. Just turning in for the night. Saw you were walking as well."

"Stalking me more like. It's fine I'll let you this time. Since you are STILL in that room next to me."

"Sorry B."

"Knew you would find a sorry somewhere, shut up Bucky." You were smiling as you spoke, Bucky couldn't read your mood.

"Okay, not a sorry then. How about Christmas? Two months away yet already assigned secret Santa."

"Yeah, gives us time, in case of a mission come closer to the time. Will be your first Christmas here....hopefully your last." You pressed the button to open the elevator door then stepped in. Bucky followed behind getting in with you. His arm came across in front of you to press your floor. Your breathing paused at his proximity. You could almost feel him on you. You could smell him. A familiar butterfly popped up in your stomach that had only occurred around Bucky. 

"Soooo, you excited for Christmas?" Bucky asked awkwardly.

"No why would I be?" 

"It's a happy time of year."

"For you maybe, I never had Christmas Bucky."

"Not one?" The elevator arrived and you both stepped out heading to your rooms.

"I remember one...I was little. My handlers wife felt sorry for me. Snuck me a book of winnie the pooh and read it to me. No one had read me a bedtime story before. She was kind but feared her husband. Had always wanted a child. Winnie the pooh became our little secret. He beat her for it in the end."

"Oh god B. I shouldn't of started taking about Christmas." Bucky looked at you and could see your eyes shine as moisture threatened to seep out. A single tear escaped which you quickly wiped away as if nothing had happened. Bucky wanted to bring you into an embrace but felt to scared of your drunk reaction.

You stopped reaching your door and turned to Bucky. You looked at him properly for the first time that night as he stopped also. Looked at his eyes, his lips, the solid build of his muscular body. 

"B," Bucky turned to face you. He took a hesitant step closer. His arm came up to hold the frame of your door. You stared in silence neither one speaking or making a move. Time stood still locked in this mutual gaze. The feeling of tightness, of wanting rose in your chest

"B," Bucky whispered your name again. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know Barnes. What he, the soldier did? How can I forget that happened?"

"I don't expect you to, but I wish somehow I could erase it. If I could take those scars from your mind and body I would. I would endure them three fold." Hesitantly Bucky moved his hand to your face to gently wipe a tear away from your face. 

"You actually going to kiss me this time Bucky?" The wine loosened your tongue.

Without hesitation Bucky lent in and placed a gentle kiss to your lips. Slowly your lips locked and moved in a slow but passionate rhythm. Quickly you became out of breath as it stirred something deep in you. Bucky placed a hand on the back of your head letting his fingers become entwined in your hair. Your hands came up mirroring the action. Over and over your mouths moved in unison.

As you broke apart from each other you remained locked in a stare. Without a word you released your hold on his hair and turned away. Pressing your forehead to the door you let out a sight. "Go home Barnes. This isn't right. I'm drunk. You just feel guilty."

"Yes I feel guilty but I feel so much more as well." Bucky went to place a hand on each hip but you knocked him away.

"This can't happen again. Goodnight Bucky." Without looking at him you entered your room and shut the door. You knew if you looked at him you would cave. You would of dragged him in your room ripping his clothes off. Instead you slumped against the door crying. Such mixed emotions pulled from deep in you. You had to be strong and put an end to this dangerous game.

The words reverberated in his brain as you left him standing alone in the hallway. That good night had meant that. Not just good night tonight but good night everynight. He could still feel you on his lips as he was staring at your door, willing you to open up and pull him inside. Once more, one final time. This time he would of treasured your body knowing it would be all he would have of you again. He would never experience your body again if you stuck true to your word.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is angry when your words result in him being grounded for a mission.

Bucky exited the meeting room with the sound of his boots hitting the floor and his hand slamming the door shut. He was angry, no, furious. Steve was all set to go on a mission in two days time. Bucky was supposed to be accompanying him, WAS anyway. It was decided he would miss this one so soon after the previous one that resulted in him bashing in a mans brains. Storming through the building Bucky only had one destination in mind. The reason the mission was a no go.

He stormed out of the elevator with fists clenched. One he got there Bucky hammered on the door hard the door shaking from the force, "I know you are in there B. Open up."

Opening the door you stood there hand on hip annoyed at his appearance. One week since the party. Two since you had slept with him and you had managed to avoid him, until now. Managed to avoid having to acknowledge anything had happened. 

 "What?" You frowned at him. 

"B, did you tell them I was unstable? That I snapped? Yeah well now they are questioning me going on a missson!" Bucky sounded so angry. 

"That's not quite what I said!" 

"Well it's what they took from what ever you said. No going with Steve in two days."

"Alright? What do you want me to say? It's done. Maybe they have a point. We know you're fucked up Bucky."

Bucky paused as he was about to talk, instead he walked closer to you. Maintaining fierce eye contact  with you while he took a step closer. Both of you stood locked in a glare, neither one of you backing down. Instead of retreating from your anger Bucky stepped even closer. You were toe to toe, face to face, you could feel his breath hot and angry. His eyes looked a blaze.  You shuddered slightly feeling your body tingle being in such close proximity.

Suddenly without warning he grabbed you by the waist moving to shove you against the wall of the hallway. Your breath hitched as a shudder of excitement ran through you. There he kept his hands on your waist holding you in place as his eyes roamed over you. Bucky stepped a leg foreward causing you to bite your lip as his knee slid between your legs. He moved his hands either side of your head cagging you in. Instinctively you rubbed against his knee for a split second desperate for some friction against your tingling clit. His face was impossibly close but he avoided kissing you. Bucky was working you, teasing you, goading you.

 Bucky smirked seeing your reaction. He moved his knee up higher to rub against you again. He saw the way your bottom lip quiverd. You were done for now, with no coming back from what was about to happen, you weren't even trying to stop it from unfolding. You wanted it and it was written on your face plain as day for Bucky to see. 

"Remember B we are in the hallway. Anyone could walk by."

"Oh really?" your voice waivoured as his knee continued to rub between your legs slowly.

"Do you want them to watch? Not like we are doing anything. We aren't fucking in the hallway."

"We could fuck else where." After you had said you were going to end it, here you were telling him you could have sex. Your body took over your mind as the desire and need took control. The anger of his presumptuous behaviour boiled up in you adding to the tension of the moment.

Bucky grabbed your wrist and pulled you the two meters to his bedroom door. Opening it he pulled you in and slammed the door shut behind. Instantly he was on you in the privacy of his quarters. His lips connected with your neck and sucked hard. Nipping and biting your flesh, his tongue lapping at the tender skin after each rough bite. You let out a moan as his hands roughly gropped your breasts.

 "On the bed" Bucky commanded. You did as he said the words sending hot waves of anticipation through your eager body. Laying on your back you looked up as he loomed over you. His hands reached down and pulled down your trousers and panties to your ankles then over each foot. Bucky was not messing about. He needed to be in you. He was angry and pissed off with only one way he could think of to vent as the roles reversed.

A smile spread on his face seeing a gleam of your wet pussy. He pulled down his own trousers and boxers. You licked your lips seeing that marvelous cock of his painfully hard. Bucky effortlessly flipped you over so you were laying face down on the bed. Coming up behind you he rubbed his head between your pussy lips. Teasing your clit and folds. You whimpered as it pressed against your entrance. You needed more. You needed him.

 Without warning he entered into you slowly sliding his cock in. It was the only gentle thing of this whole event. Once in he didn't hesitate to thrust. Hard. Slow but hard, he would slid out to slam back into your tight pussy. You let out a moan unable to hold them back. Each thrust let out fresh noises from your lips. Over and over he fucked you so hard into the mattress. You took it enjoying being pounded so hard.

Your mind switched off as he shoved your face down into the bed. Your pussy dripped around his cock as your moans were muffled by the bed. It seamed the only time your brain truly switched off was when you were fucking each other into next Tuesday.

Bucky pulled out of you fast leaving you feeling empty and wanting. You let out a moan as you came up on to your knees. Rubbing his cock against your entrance it easily slid in for him to continue in doggy. A slapping sound followed by a slight sting as he slapped your ass. He smoothed over the pink flesh then brought his hand down again in the same spot. Bucky liked the idea of leaving you with a mark, a reminder of your time together. Something to show for it as if to prove it did happen and was not a figment of his imagination. No longer muffled by the bed moan after exquisite moan left your mouth.  You looked round at him over shoulder and reached your arm back to press against his torso. Bucky pulled you up right against him while mainting the rhythm. Roughly he kissed you tongue deep in your mouth. Before you could get full swing into the kiss he shoved you back down into a low doggy position. 

Bucky lent forward pressing his torso flat against yourback. His teeth sank into the flesh of your shoulder and sucked, hard. Your elbows wobbled trying to hold yourself up as waves of pleasure grew stronger. You could smell the distinctive smell of sweat and sex in the air.

Bucky whispered in your ear, "Do you want to cum on my cock? I want to hear you scream. Being such a wet fuck hole for me, you deserve it beautiful."

You let out a breathless "hmmm."

"Is that a yes doll?"

"Yes Bucky, make me cum for you. Pleaseee." A loud moan interrupted your speech. Bucky snaked a hand round your waist reaching for your clit. Starting of with gentle circular motions he bagan swirling faster and faster. Your hands grabbed at the bedding, your mind and voice ruined as the pleasure took over. Bucky was taking you to dizzying heights that very soon would send you crashing back down. Your mouth became dry and you were forgetting to breath in the moment.

Without warning your bidy went rigid as a cry left your lips. Waves of hot pleasure hit you as you came. Bucky was not far behind hearing that cry of pure delight and came deep inside at the same time. His warm seed spilled into you. Pulling out he collapsed on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Bucky panted heavily a hot, sweaty and spent mess.  You laid on your front next to him. You could feel the heat radiating from him so inviting to curl up next to.

You turned to look at him as both of you began to laugh, "Well. I hadn't exactly planned that Bucky."

"Wasn't on my agenda either but I'm not complaining, that was quite something."

Bucky rolled on to his side propping himself up with an elbow and looked down at you. Hesitantly he placed his hand on your back. Both of you still had clothes on top half which made the action less intimate. Funny considering what Bucky had just done to you, he was now scared to touch you. Following instinct you moved up closer to him, snuggling against his frame. The moment felt so peacful you fought the urge to run that had risen inside of you. You felt high on the euphoria with post orgasm bliss taking over. You didn't talk as you both bathed in this shared moment. For any moment someone may say something and this temorary alliance may end. A fragile peace treaty.

Your eyes became heavy and tired as you felt a sense of comfort, safety in his body. The one person you felt the least safe around and here you were. Your breathing slowed down and deepened as sleep slowly took over you. Bucky put his arms around you in a warm embrace. Last thing you remembered was him placing a kiss on the top of your head as it fit nicely tucked under his chin. Slotting together so easily. You fell fast asleep as Bucky drifted off next to you taking his own comfort in the moment. He dreaded when you woke up to bring the fantasy crashing down around them. For now he would savour it, savour you, thankful for any small moment he could share with you. His anger at you forgotten as he was just thankful for this.

* * *

 

Sam frowned in confusion but had a cheeky glimmer in his eye as he headed into the kitchen. The smell of pizza had wafted to him, his mouth drooling.  Steve and Nat had apparently been the ones to do the pizza run today coming back with a stack for dinner.

"Mmmhmmm, that smells good." Sam rubbed at his belly symbolizing his hunger. "Let me get some before you get FRIDAY to alert everyone else."

"Fine, but Tony will get angry and that's all on you," Nat lifted a lid to offer a slice.

Steve rolled his eyes, "Next time I get one just for you."

"Now you are talking," Sam spoke as he chewed. "So listen I need to know. What is the deal with Barnes?"

"What deal?" Steve also picked up a slice.

"Does he have a girlfriend or a fuck buddy?"

Nat's eyes snapped to him, "Why?"

"I walked past his room to get here. He had a girl up in there."

"No he did not!" Steve thought the idea sounded absurd. 

"I heard it!" Sam exclaimed.

"Are you sure?" Natash tried to sound doubtful.

"I'm telling you, Bucky had a girl in there." Sam shrugged.

"I would know if Bucky had a girl!" Steve said.

Walking off with a few more slices of pizza on a plate Sam laughed, "If you say so. I know what I heard and it was defiantly the sounds of someone making sweet, sweet love."

"Would you Steve?" Nat queried.

"Would I what?"

"Know if Bucky had a girl."

"Bucky doesn't keep secrets from me, he would tell me."

"Don't be so sure of that," Natasha mumbled.

"What do you know?" Steve grabbed Nat's arm in a desperate plea.

"I know nothing Rogers now hands off!" Nat shook his grip free.

 

* * *

 

Bucky awoke a few hours later feeling dazed and confused from the unexpected nap. His mouth was dry and his head groggy. There was no sign of you, you were gone. Bucky would of thought it a dream if it was not for the crumbled bedsheets and the pair of panties you left behind on his bedroom floor. It was real, it had happened and it had been amazing. Thing was with you blowing hot and cold he was clueless where to go from here. What mood would you be in next time you spoke? As likely to fuck him as fight him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go on the mission that was meant for Bucky but what state do you come back in if at all?

 Your feet pounded rhythmically on the treadmill while music flooded your ears via headphones. Two days since you had slept with Bucky, again. Two days of hiding from him and ignoring him, again. You didn't want to see him, you couldn't stand to look at him as he laid waste to your mind mixing it into a state of confusion. It was easy when all you did was hate Bucky, much simpler, why couldn't you just go back to that? Unfortunately time control was not a power you wielded. It was hard enough hiding from everyone else but it had become so difficult hiding thoughts and feelings from yourself.  Keeping busy helped, the gym being a favorite hide away. Physically exhausting your body so your mind could no longer think, t also worked well a a sort of punishment enforced on yourself. Had you not learnt the first time? The sex was mind blowing, but BUCKY BARNES. Bucky fucking Barnes. 

You thought you could hear something over the music but ignored it remembering other people used this gym to.  

"B." Maybe if you closed your eyes and acted busy they would go away. You did not want to talk, to anyone. 

The voice though muffled by ear phones grew louder, "B! Listen to me!"

An arm reached across in front of you and hit the stop button causing you to instantly decrease in speed from a jog to a walk then to nothing. A shiny metal arm, you inwardly groaned as you turned to face him but your face froze still in a look of contempt.  You were cornered. Reluctantly you removed your ear phones.

 "We need to talk. About what happened." Bucky spoke hushed even though it was only the two of you in the gym. "Stop avoiding me."

"Nothing to say. It happened. Let's forget about it. It won't happen again." 

"Why B? I thought...I thought you enjoyed it."

"You thought wrong then Barnes. You sicken me and now I sicken myself for going anywhere near you." You jabbed a finger into his chest, Bucky reached up grabbing your wrist.

"If that was true B, it wouldn't of happened the first time never mind the second." He searched your eyes looking for a hint of warmth.

"You think a couple orgasms make me forget? Make me move on? It doesn't change SHIT. It can't change the past." You yanked your arm way hard.

 Bucky grabbed your arm again not giving up but held it loosely, "then what was that to you? What was I?"

"Some stress relief that was all. Nothing more. Nothing Less. You served a purpose Barnes." You pulled your arm out of his grasp and stepped off of the running machine to put some physical distance between the two of you. You didn't like how his hand felt on your skin, you didn't like that you did in fact like it. You pictured grabbin him and pulling him down to the blue plastic gym mat on the floor. Fucking him with the thrilling of easily being caught. 

"You are killing me B," His face fell into a sad expression.

"In what way?"

"In every way B!"

"Good, a fraction of the pain YOU inflicted on ME." You hissed the words between gritted teeth. He didn't recognize this version of you as the same person who he had seen in a state of ecstasy. "I am busy Barnes, I have to go if you don't mind leaving me the FUCK alone."

"Go where?" Bucky looked defeated, it was written across his face and the slump of his shoulders. His fists clenched and unclenched with stress.

"Mission. The one you got declined for, Me and Nat are going with Cap."

"Will you be okay?"

You began to walk away, "Recon only. Not anticipating getting close enough for combat. Just going to sit, watch and get a feel for the place."

"Be safe B."

As you strutted off out of the gym you flipped him the middle finger without so much of a glance backwards. Leaving Bucky alone and confused from such mixed signals. How could this be the same B who curled up asleep next to him post sex only two days previous. The same B who had knocked on his door, walking in and commanding sex. He knew it was not his duty nor his place but he could not help but feel a sense of worry for you. He knew Cap would look out for you, he debated sending him a message requesting he kept an eye on you. Bucky instantly dismissed the idea not wanting to give anything away, not even to Steve. Several times he had come close to spilling the beans to Steve but part of him liked the secret. It didn't matter who you danced with, trained with, went on mission with, it was Bucky who had got to fuck you, see your face in ecstasy, hear your moans of pleasure. Bucky would of done anything for a repeat of it all. 

He wasn't about to give up so easily. What he and you had experienced, together, had been incredible the chemistry mind blowing. Bucky stood by the quinjet casually leaning against it as the three of you approached in combat gear. The black skin tight suite hugged your body perfectly as Bucky watched you walk towards him.

"What are you doing here!" You hissed as you grabbed a pistol from your belt and held it pressed into his stomach. You looked him in the eye standing close to him. You could 'feel' him so close despite not even touching, awareness of him, an awareness of how easy you could reach out to him. As he returned and maintained the gaze you felt something wash over you. It was there, that feeling he gave you, the one you tried so hard to ignore. You pressed the gun harder into his body as you stepped closer to him. The proximity tantalizing and teasing despite the company. Your mind flitted to the idea of Bucky tearing the gun from your grasp and kissing you.

"B! Play nice!" Nat warned you breaking the moment.

"Oh I always play nice, don't I Bucky?" You said with a knowing smirk that made Nat turn to you with a frown. Instantly she knew, you had slept with him again, she didn't need to ask as she picked up on the words laced with secrets.  Steve stared at you eye wide oblivious to the innuendo and tension as he only saw the gun pressed to his best friends stomach. Steve didn't trust you to NOT press the trigger for fun. To Steve this was just your usual Bucky hating tricks.

"I only came to wish my pal Steve here good luck." Bucky held onto the top of the pistol, his fingers grazed your hand sending imaginary sparks through your arm. They might of been in your mind but you felt them all the same.

Nat walked past you and Buck into the quinjet and spoke in a hushed tone that Steve could not hear, "if you say so Barnes. Sure there is nothing else?"

You pulled the gun away tucking it back into your hip holster. His fingers pulled on your skin as you removed your hand and gun from his grasp, he was reluctant to let go. He wanted to hold on to you tight. Your lips parted as your gaze softened looking into his eyes. Bucky wondered what was on your mind. He saw your tongue move in your mouth as if you were on the verge of saying something but deciding to remain silent instead. You pulled away stepping into the quinjet and taking a seat next to Nat. 

Steve moved to board next pausing in front of Bucky, Steve believed the illusion that he was the one Bucky had really come to see, "I'm sorry about her Bucky. I thought she had calmed down a bit. Guess not. I'll see you later when we get back."

"Stay safe Steve," Bucky patted his friend on the shoulder. "And keep them safe."

"I always do." Steve saluted Bucky stepping in and closing the door behind him. Bucky moved back but watched as the three of you took off and flew out of sight. Leaving him alone to let out a deep sigh. 

Nat looked at you as the aircraft took off. It was a suspicious look full of accusations and warning. You smiled sweetly in response then lent back in your seat casually. 

"You bitch," she muttered under her breath.

"And proud," you winked.

"What kind of game are you playing B? What's the saying, about playing with fire?"

"Yeah well I can handle the heat Nat, stay out."

"You are fine until the whole god damn building goes up in flames. It's not you I'm worried about this time, it's Bucky. He's not a toy, a plaything."

"I can do what the fuck I want with him."

"That's just it B, you can't, actions have consequences. You can only kick him, or fuck him, into submission for so long."

"Don't worry about that as I have ZERO plans of going there again!"

"You had zero plans of going there in the first place and now I don't know how many times you have helped yourself. I know what you are doing B."

"And what is that then Nat since you know everything?"

"You've activated bitch mode to turn off human emotion mode. You care about him."

You looked away from her, "as if."

"I know you B, like it or not you care about that man. But well, if you aren't interested then would you mind if I asked him out on you, know a date?"

Your head sharply turned back to her your eyes ablaze, "Don't you fucking dare!"

"Why? Not like you care? Underneath his brooding exterior I think he's actually quite a sweetheart."

"You really want me sloppy seconds Nat? Or you looking to get me to admit to something that does not exist!"

A voice aclled out from the front, "What you two gossiping about?"

"Talking about B and Bucky Steve!" Nat called back earning her a sharp elbow jab. 

"Well, I hope it's all nice things but knowing Lady S and her stance on Buck I doubt it!"

"She's been shouting his name alright Steve," Nat lowered her voice. "In more ways than one....."

"Nat, I hate you." You whispered.

"B, you love me, and you love that winter soldier D." Nat saw your body go rigged and your pupils dilate and had to suppress a laugh. Just the mere hint of a mention of his D had you hot and bothered.....

* * *

 

Bucky could not relax while you were away. He went for a run, cooked, went swimming, went to the gym, even tried picking up a book only to find the words jumble in front of his eyes. Bucky asked JARVIS to notify him when you were set to return and when you had landed no matter the time of day it was. He felt the tension like a brick in his stomach and like one pressing on his chest. You must of been on countless missions, it was not his job to worry about it, you had made your current position clear to him in the gym. Current being the word. Would you storm back in from the mission ready to jump him? Or would it wait until tomorrow, or next week or next month? What if you never wanted to again? He couldn't decipher what you were thinking, feeling or planning.

Your success in previous missions didn't stop his worrying one single bit though. Admitting defeat he headed to bed when you still had not arrived back and it was getting dark. The mission was taking longer than the briefing had stipulated. Bucky had gone as far as to look up the mission and read all details available to him.  You should of been back by now. Bucky tossed and turned rolling about trying to get comfortable.  Every so often he would ask FRIDAY for an update to be told no news. Bucky trusted Steve but he had no idea what was going down in a completely different country.

Eventually he began to doze but his body would not allow him to sink into a deep sleep in fear of missing something. Strange dream images came to him, like whispers of memories but when he tried to grasp onto them they would disappear. Images of you in chains, blood everywhere, the sound of scream filling his ears. Problem being Bucky could not make out what was memories and what was placed images from hearing what he had inflicted on you. His brain played tricks blending fact and fiction. He snapped away and reached for a note book and switched on the bedside light. He found the pages he had dedicated to you. Flicking through he saw the story of you and him so far unfold. It went from your name with question marks to notes of your telling of what happened. Notes from files he could access. Dates and notes on any altercations between you, good or bad. He added to the last page the date of your last sexual encounter. Next to it he wrote the words "Angry, rough. Amazing. Bittersweet. New scar noticed on left ribs, me?"  He jotted down the dream images then circled them to show they were not concrete facts but part of the riddle of his mind. 

A knock at the door startled him. Racing to answer he rubbed sleep dust from his eyes throwing the notebook onto the bed. Opening the door in his boxers and vest he was surprised to see Tony stood outside.

"Tony!" Bucky didn't hide his surprise. He knew Tony avoided interaction with him and did not blame the man.

"Gear up. We are heading out."

"Where? Why?"

"Steve, Nat and B managed to get a distress call out. They are pinned down and require urgent back up. Mission has headed south. Base bigger and busier than expected, a patrol stumbled on them watching from the forest. Meet on the roof ASAP Barnes."

"Yeah sure, right away. Are they okay? Casualties?"

"Unknown. Nat got out the info she could but line was poor and kept cutting out."

Fear struck at Bucky not only for you but for his best friend now. He raced to get ready into tactical gear and grabbed some weapons before heading to the roof. Tension filled the air on the journey there as no one spoke. Hoping for the best but everyone feared the worst. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calvary arrives... but you are no where to be seen.

The tension coursed through Bucky's body. He felt wired and hyper aware of his surroundings. His face and eyes took on serious and hard expression of focus. Exiting the aircraft his boots crunched on the cold frost covered ground. As the sun rose behind clouds the landscape took on a harsh look tinged with hues of grays. It was not a welcoming scene as the previous missions quinjet smoldered near by, now just a burnt out empty shell.

Steve jogged towards the party just arriving with a grim look on his face.

"What's the deal Cap?" Sam asked.

"Don't get too near the base. You will be in firing range of rocket launchers. Teams have been sent out through the forest looking for us. They didn't come to make friends judging by the weapons they are carrying. I found Natasha stuck as a party had her circled and she was out of ammo." Steve nudged his head to point to a tired looking Nat sat against a fallen tree. Blood seeped from her head giving her a liquid red mask covering her face, like some macabre halloween mask.

 "What about Lady S?" Wanda looked around seeing no sight of you.

"We went to the right. She was heading left scouting the area to the north. Her communications gone dead. She sent us a transmission requesting back up, we could hear gun fire then we lost her. Soon after more teams descended on us keeping us busy." 

"Okay, Sam and Wanda get Nat on board. Vision you too, defend here. Rest of us head out and look." Tony nodded to Steve then blasted up into the sky for an aerial view. The trees did not help however as they provided to much cover.

 Bucky without hesitation marched off in the direction Steve had indicated. 

"Hey, hey Buck. Where you going?" Steve frowned at his silent friend who was storming off.

"Looking for B. What does it look like?" Bucky didn't even turn around and look back to hear what Steve said. Bucky had one thing and one thing only in mind. Finding you. His mind shut down to the what ifs and worst case scenarios. The trained soldier in him coming to the surface taking control to keep his cool. Gun in hand ready to fire at any time.

As he trudged he saw no signs at first. He kept going through the woodland terrain eyes peeled. His vision fell to what he was looking for. Bootprints, looked like several different pairs. With a new lead he followed the trail. A dark object came into his vision, instantly his gun was raised and ready, falling still and rigid his finger hovered over the trigger ready and anticipating. The object a figure lying in an unnatural position, no signs of movement. Slow steps forward, the ground crunching and the cool air filling his lungs. When close enough he rolled the figure over. A bloodied corpse, but not you.

Bucky took this as a sign he was on the right path. Standing up from where he was crouched over the body he scanned nearby area finding two more bodies five meters from this one. His pace quickened as adrenaline surged not knowing what he may find. Another body followed by another led his way like bread crumbs. Looking at the ground he found spots of red mingled with the frost, blood spilled but it didn't look to be from these bodies. Every so often there would be a new couple of drops. He followed the trail of blood.

So focused on finding the trail he jumped when a sound startled him. The sound of a gun being cocked as a voice gave a warning, "Don't move!"

Bucky turned to face the direction of the voice. It was you, sat on the ground against the trunk of a tree. Your hair a mess around your face, blood dribbled down your chin while bruises and scratches littered your face. You smirked seeing it was Bucky. Red trickled from your thigh down to the ground.

"Well, well, well," you laughed even though it hurt your ribs causing your hand to go there. "Someone got their mission after all I see."

"Looks like it," he replied staring at the raised gun. "Are you okay?"

"Why did you come Bucky?" You sighed then began coughing.

"I was worried about you, it's my mission. Good enough reasons?" Regardless of the gun still very much trained on him Bucky took some tentative steps towards you. "Why don't you put the gun down now B?"

You smirked, "But I think it would be fun to shoot you. Just some where minor, like an arm? You heal fast anyway after all. What do you say Bucky?"

"I say shut up B and let me help you. Drop the facade. I counted the bodies of the men who came after you. If you wanted me dead I would be. You are hurt now let's get back to the group. They are looking for you."

"So much concern for little 'ole me. Why worry about me? I'm nothing. I'm nobody."

 "Why wouldn't I be worried? People care about you B. Natasha....me. You know Nat loves you more than anyone. She wouldn't admit it. It's a weakness. She's been trained not to show weakness but her face just now when Steve said he didn't know where you were? People care, and not just because you are a weapon they can use. They really care."

You shifted position against the tree trunk wincing as you did so. Bucky wasn't sure how bad you were hurt but could see the obvious pain. You lowered your gun to the ground and your head hung foreward. 

"I don't know what to say. I'm touched." More than a hint of sarcasm escaped.

Bucky walked until he was stood at your feet, he crouched down so you didn't have to look up."Then listen for once. B, I have never met anyone like you. Someone so strong, so talented, so beautiful. I care about you B. If you feel something, anything for me please just tell me. If not I'll walk away minute we are back at the base and I won't hold it against you. But I can't do that if there is any small hope. Not often people like us get a chance of well, anything."

Bucky sat down next to you after his speech left you in silence. His eyes searched your face for a response. The silence seemed to be stretched out without ending. You looked down at the growned. You licked your lips. Your head turned away from him. Your chest heaved as you let out a deep sigh and slowly your head turned to him once more. He could see your breath in the cold air, it looked like you were shivering. Without making eye contact your face came towards his, your lips brushed against his then retreated slightly. He could feel your breath on his lips, you could feel the warmth his body emitted. Suddenly so alluring given the currect chill in the air and frost on the ground. Your lips brushed against his again this time not retreating they locked together into a chaste kiss. After only a second you pulled away but your face remained in close proximity to his own.

"Bucky," you whispered. "I feel a lot more than just anything and it scares me. But I feel it."

A small smile crossed his face and his eyes lit up. His hand came to smooth down your hair tenderly stroking. "Good, then let's get you out of here doll."

 Using the tree trunk with hands behind you, you tried to stand up. Your arms and hands shook and you were weak, wincing while trying to not to let out noises of pain you collapsed back to the ground. With a groan you tried again, your legs came up underneath you so you were now crouched against the tree. You went to straighten up to standing position but your legs gave out under you. Instead of landing in a heap on the floor you found yourself with your legs buckled but Bucky's arms around your waist. You slumped into his chest solid and stable against your back feeling weak and dizzy.

"I got you B," he whispered into your ear. Your okay. Where does it hurt?"

You let out a wince and a groan as he rubbed your back. "Ouch Buck careful right there. My whole back feels bruised. I got rammed hard into a tree, guy put his entire body weight into it. I think my ribs got it from the front as well as the back. I fell and twisted my ankle, gash on my thigh, I've not eaten or slept in hours."

"Rest now then B. You did good." Bucky slowly removed his left arm from around you, his right still steadying you up. Without warning his left arm mooved under your legs sweeping you up into his arms. Your initial reaction was to push him away and insist you could walk. Fatigue washed over you stopping you rejecting his help and forcing you to give in. You snuggled your face into the cold leather of his jacket. It was cold but it was solid, it was Bucky. Your eyes closed relishing the first feeling of safety in hours. You took comfort as you breathed him in. Before you knew it you had fallen asleep as he held you close. He looked down at you and could not help the warmth radiate through his chest. His heart pumped a million miles am hour. As good as the sex was he would takeca moment like this over raw lust anyday. This was not a power play or for personal amusement. This was you stripped bare in his arms letting him help you. Anyone else that might not of been a big deal, but this was you. This meant something.

Bucky reached the landing spot he had not long ago come from. He was met with faces that went from looking extremely worried to plain confused at the sight. Steve jogged over with a frown. "I can take her Buck. Is she hurt badly?"

"No don't wake her I got her. She's bruised and battered, hungry, tired and I think she's just crashed after the adrenalines worn off. It hurts her to move so I'll just keep her as still as I can." A fierce steel eyed look of protectiveness told a confused Steve to back off.

"Alright, if you say so. Get her on board and we will get going."

Carefully Buck walked onto the aircraft and took a seat gently next to Nat. Natasha slumped across the seat with a bloodied bandage held to her head. Seeing you in Bucky's arms she gingerly moved up to allow him room. A weak smile spread across her face. She reached over to grab your hand and gently smoothed circles over it. Nat knew you were out for the count but in her own weakened state she wanted to feel you safe and solid, real, more for her own sake than anything else. 

Her voice came out deep, dry, raspey as she spoke quietly so others would not hear, "Thank you Bucky."

"For what?"

"For bringing her back to me...I thought...that...yeah...thank you."

"Anytime. Just doing my job Nat."

Nat gave him a knowing smile then slumped against him resting her head on his shoulder, "I see how you look at her. I know Bucky. It's more than that. I'm glad it was you who found her. Deep down she is as well."

"I don't know about that Nat, she was going to shoot me."

"No she wasn't. It was for show."

"The trail of dead she left says otherwise."

Nat smiled, "Well done B. Good girl. Knew you would fight until the end."

"She is a fighter," he sighed looking down at your sleeping form. 

"She has had to be Bucky....she took back her life but she can't stop the path it's set her on. Her own government were after her. That's how we met in Moscow. She was being hunted down by an MK ULTRA clean up crew. B got away from her handler. They couldn't let that happen. Her brain had been cloudy and in a haze all her life. Minute the veil lifted she hit the ground running and has not stopped since."

"So much about her I still don't know Nat...."

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's not talked much?"

"No...not really at all. More just angry shouting."

"Yeah sounds like our Lady S. She probably won't talk much. Ever. Don't expect her to open up and you won't be dissapointed. If she does then aren't you a lucky boy. Just....tread carefully Bucky okay?"

"Is that a bit of advice?  Or a warning?" Bucky laughed.

"Both." Nat flashed him a grin before resting her head further on his shoulder with her eyes closed.  His mind pondered on Nat's words. Conversation between the two of you had been so limited yet Bucky had a sense of knowing. It felt like he knew you with no need for explanations or words. Emotions rather than words had filled your moments together, be it anger as you showed him contempt or lust when he was inside of you. After this he vowed to sit down and attempt some actual conversations. 

The quinjet landed as you stirred in his arms. You looked at him confused then slowly pushed yourself from his lap to the seat next to him. Nat was asleep on his shoulder but Sam came from the front of the craft. Waking her up he helped the drowsy figure to walk across the tarmac and head to medical. 

"Hey, Earth to sleepy head." Steve made you jump appearing in front of you with his hand out stretched to you. You took it leveraging yourself up from the seat. Your other hand landed on Bucky's shoulder as you struggled to balance. You had stiffened up and began aching even more. Looking down you gave Bucky a glimmer of a weak smile before he watched you hobble off holding on to Steve. A hint of jealousy struck him as he followed behind keeping the pace slow.

"I need a coffee," you whined to Steve.

"You need lookin' at." Steve sounded stern.

"No, no, I'm fine. It's just bruising."

"Just go quickly with Nat. Blood down your leg says other wise."

Your voice rose in volume as you snapped at him, "I fucking said no!"

"Are you crazy B? At least get some pain meds."

"I need coffee and sleep. Stop arguing Steve you know I won't back down so don't even bother."

"Fine," Steve pulled away from your grip on him causing you to stumble to hold the wall for support. He begane walking off a head. "You think you are fine by yourself? Like you don't need help? Then lets see how far you get."

Your teeth gritted in anger, "Fuck you Steve!"

Gingerly you continued the walk to the kitchen slowly, very slowly. Every so often you let out a hiss or a groan but Bucky tried to give you space. After five minutes of not getting very far at all Bucky intervened draping your arm over his shoulder and his arm round your waist. Without a word you accepted the help and made your way to the kitchen. Once there he slid you on to a barstool and went to make you the coffee. So tired you must of dozed head rested on your hand as he made you jump placing a steaming cup infront of you, "Here you go B."

"Thanks," you mumbled. Bucky stared at you as you sipped at the dark liquid. "What are you staring at?"

"You."

"Why?"

"Because even though you look like shit I can't help it. You are beautiful B."

"Save it. You think you are going to get laid the state I'm in? Don't waste your time."

"Who says that's what I'm after? Cos I'm not you know." Bucky narrowed his eyes over his coffee cup at you

 "Then what are you after? You can leave me now I got my coffee. You are not obligated to help me."

"You going to shoot me if I try an help anymore?"

"Don't tempt me Barnes. What I wanted to do minute you came here..."

"Yet you haven't B.

"There is time yet...." finishing the last sip you placed the cup down and tried to stand up. You were covered in blood, dirt and was shaking as Bucky rushed over to help you stand. 

"Let me help you B."

"For fuck sake. Fine." You wouldn't admit it but you did need his help. You were battered more than you had realised. He guided you to your room in silence. Opening your door you limped in and collapsed on the bed letting out a deep sigh. 

Bucky didn't say a word as he went to your bathroom and turned on the shower for you. Standing back up you managed to get there yourself and shut the door without even a thanks to Bucky. He let out a sigh staring at the back of your bathroom door. Bucky started to worry about if you really did need to go to medical, you were being so god damn stubborn it was infuriating.  For a few minutes all he heard was the running water as he waited. Suddenly a faint muffled voice called out, weak and pathetic. "Bucky? Are you still there?"

"Course I am B." Bucky stood right behind the bathroom door.

"I, I need some help." Bucky opened the door hesitantly. It slowly opened to reveal you still full clothed gripping on to the sink. Your knocks white as you held on so tight to avoid falling over. Tears streaked your face as you looked at him with such sadness. You winced as you tried to reach your zip at the back. Admitting defeat you gripped tight the sink once again.

"Can you unzip me?" 

"Hey, it's okay, of course." Standing behind you Bucky looked into the mirror above the sink. Looking up you made eye contact with his reflection as he slowly undid your zip from behind. Your head spun as you felt his dizzying close proximity. Goosebumps shivered down you as his hot breath landed on your bare skin. Gently he pulled it down over your shoulders and down to your hips revealing your black sports bra.

"Can you do the rest?" Bucky asked quietly.

Your eyes screwed shut scared to answear knowing where it would lead, "no."

Slowly Bucky rolled your suite down over your hips. His hands brushed against your skin as he undid the clasp on your bra letting it fall down your shoulders. His hands moved to your hips helping pull down your black panties and step out of them leaving you naked and bruised. You looked so vulnerable as you slowly turned around to face him, your arms crossed across your chest, hands holding opposite shoulder. Your gaze cast down to your feet. Shaking and shivering you stood before him. His hand came to your face and cupped it gently, you lent into it. 

"B," Bucky whispered. You looked up into his eyes waiting for words that never came. Instead he took one of your hands and lightly pulled it from your shoulder uncrossing your arms. You felt so exposed but were  to exhausted to care as he gently nudged you to get under the running water. You grabbed hold of the wall nearly falling down.

"Hold on B I'll help," Bucky began by tacking off his leather tactical jacket. It made a heavy thud as it landed on the floor, the rest of his clothes landed next to it. He stepped in and stood behind you under the hot water. You breathed in deep as his torso pressed against your back. Bucky grabbed some shower gel pouring it into his hand. Gently he rubbed it over your back, shoulders, down your arms, over your ass and down your legs. The bruising covered one whole side of you front and back. Few hours from now you would be black and blue. The water stung scratches on your bare skin and the gash on your thigh but it felt good to wash off all the blood and grime.

Your heart hammered in your chest from his gentle touch. "My hair Buck. Can you help?"

"Of course. Tilt your head back." Bucky reached for another bottle, poured some into his hand then replaced it. Gently his finger tips lathered up the shampoo as you kept your eyes closed. It felt so good having him massage your scalp you let out a small moan.

"Keep your eyes shut we'll rinse it out now." Bucky helped wash out the soap suds until your hair was free of bubbles. While you stood there with eyes still shut Bucky leant down and gently kissed your shoulder. You turned around to face him. You grabbed his arms and wrapped them around you, you lent against him in the tight embrace. You remained in silence as Bucky gently swayed you.

His head came down to your ear where he would alternate kissing your ear and neck and murmuring words of encouragement in your ear. "You are okay B. I'm not letting go. You are so strong. It's okay to relax now."

You lost track of time as you remained in the sweet embrace as the shower steamed up. Over time he felt you relax more and more into him, he didn't want to let go of you. He wanted to hold on to this moment but he saw your eyes grow heavy. Turning off the water he helped you out. Grabbing a big fluffy towel Bucky wrapped it around you and gently rubbed you dry. Guiding you to the bed he pulled back the covers and ordered you to climb in. Bucky pulled the covers over your body tucking you in.

Standing up straight he was about to retrieve his clothes when your hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. Your eyes were barely open as you whispered ,"stay."

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes Bucky. Please stay."

Bucky slid in next you abandoning his clothes on the floor. Bucky held you close listening to your breathing soften. Breathing in deep he enjoyed the scent of you mixed with shower gel. You rolled onto your side to cuddle in closer to his warm chest. His arms engulfed you further as you lost yourself to the embrace. Once content you were peaceful he could finally fall asleep. Both of you fell into the longest and deepest sleep you had in a long time, reveling in the comfort of a warm body beside you in the bed. A dreamless state free of nightmares for the both of you.

Hours later your eyes fluttered open confused by the darkness of the room. As you stirred you disturbed Bucky next to you. His eyes fluttered open, "Hey."

"Hi," you whispered back. His hand came up to stroke your face. "Thank you Bucky."

"Just glad you got back safe B."  Gently he pressed a kiss to your lips before letting out a sigh and snuggling back down. His arms came up around you pulling you in close. You listened to the comforting sound of his heartbeat and fell back asleep safe and sound in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter filled my heart with emotions!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky over hears something he wasn't meant to, but do you actually mean it? Your plea for help falls on deaf ears, leaving Bucky feeling guilty.

 Slowly, little by little, you became aware of your surroundings. Sun light filtered in around the edge of the curtains letting you know it was day. Rubbing at your hazy eyes you slowly rolled onto your back. You winced from the pain and looked around. You were surprised to find yourself naked....then you remembered....Bucky? You sat up confused as there was no sign of him anywhere. The bed lay empty next to you and no clothes had been left of his. You pulled back the cover and looked down, your leg had been bleeding in the night. Shit. It was sore and the skin angry and red around the wound, you winced prodding it trying to see how deep it was. What was one more scar to add to the collection. Slowly you swung your legs around and limped to your chest of draws to painfully slowly get dressed. Loose lounge pants were the only thing you could stand on your leg and your bra dug to much into your bruises. At this point you didn't really care what you looked like finding a loose cardigan to put over your tank top, you were cold. Your hands shook through the entire process. You felt sick with hunger.

A noise at the door made you jump, the handle moved and opened wide on it's own. Who would be letting themselves in?! No one did that not even Nat. Your scowl softened as Bucky appeared in the door way with a tray of food. Seeing you awake his face lit up. His hair was damp around his face and he wore a vest and sweat pants, he must of showered while you slept. 

"Hey _finally_ you are awake," He said placing the tray down on the bed. "Sit and eat."

"What time is it Bucky?" Slowly you sat on the edge of the bed shivering.

"You have been asleep all day and night."

"Wait, what?" You dropped a piece of toast so weak.

"Mission ended yesterday morning early hours. You slept all day and then all night, you woke a couple times for a drink then went back to sleep. It's 7 am the NEXT day B."

"That long? And where have you been?"

"Well mostly here, I guess you don't remember asking to be cuddled to sleep at one point?"

"FUCK OFF BARNES!" You smiled in jest. "As if I would do that."

"Well you did. I had to fight off Nat from taking you to medical, she was worried but I told her I wouldn't let anything happen."

"Nat was here as well?"

Bucky came over and sat on the bed next to you scratching his head awkwardly, "Yeah um, here's the thing. She's the cover story. Everyone thinks she's been in here with you not me, they think I've just been checking up on both of you as I'm so close next door. Really she slept in my room to stay near you."

As if one cue there was a knock on the door, "B, you awake? Can I come in?"

Your eyes widened in fear as you pointed to Bucky to get in the bathroom and with a finger to your mouth mimed a shhh! He didn't question it as he scrambled to his hiding spot.

"Yeah come in!" You called out. The door opened to a very pale Nat with bags under her eyes. "Are you okay?!"

"Yeah I'm okay B you know me, day or two I'll be back to normal. What about you? Had me worried." Nat slowly came and sat on your bed opposite you. "I hope you haven't been having sex on the sheets I am sat on B."

"As if I am in any state for that. Literally just woke up. Bucky told me how long I have been out for," You spilt some coffee over the white sheets lifting the shaking mug to your lips.

"He was here the whole time B. Didn't leave your side. You owe me for covering both your asses."

"I appreciate it Nat, I do really."

Nat let out a sigh, "What is he to you B? What are you doing? You got him hook line and sinker-ed. He's been like a lost puppy looking out for you."

"Bucky always has that hurt puppy face, that just is his face Nat. It's nothing. He serves a purpose. This one I didn't ask of him he chose to be the guard dog. I don't need help. I'm fine aren't I?"

"B you look worse than I do. You should go get checked out. Please." Her hand went to your shaking arm with worry in her eyes. "Ask Bucky to help you if you don't want me to go...just decide what you are doing. I'm not spending another night in his room. I won't be a cover for much longer. If he's holed up in here with you and you are awake, people will question where he is and why he is in your room. Why I am not there as mediator and why you haven't kicked his ass out.  So you decide B, decide what is going on and come clean to everyone if he's staying here or end it and cut the poor puppy loose. If you feel nothing for him it's not fair to use him.

"Nat stop being my mother. I never had one and don't need one now. Be a friend and stay out of it. It's complicated but there is no relationship with me and Buck."

"So you are calling him Buck now? Not 'that monster' or that 'Bucky fucking Barnes' anymore? B, it's okay to have feelings for him. No one here will judge you I promise."

"I said there is nothing Nat to discuss with you, but thanks for the concern!" You scowled at her mentally wishing she would go away aware Bucky was in the bathroom still. Thank god it had been Nat, what if it had been Tony, or Sam who had come in and found him.

"Whatever B, I'm starting to not like this side of you. I get feelings can be confusing and hard, I do, especially on a base like this. I am here for you to talk when you are ready to just fully just admit it already." Nat stood up and didn't even say bye as she shut the door.

"It's safe to come out now Buck! You called out to the man hiding in the bathroom. He opened the door and came and sat back down on the bed.

"Well, you got food and drink now then B," he said matter of fact. "You got it from here on out. I'm going to let Nat go back to her room and have mine back. I'll see you later B."

"WAIT!" You called out to the mans broad back as he was just about to exit through the door. You saw his shoulders slump as he paused. You didn't know it but Bucky was fighting an internal battle, the half of him that wanted to stay here and look after you was being enraged by the half that had over heard what you had said. If you were using him why was he wasting his time? But he did want to make sure you were fine, regardless.

"Yes," he queried not turning to you.

"Thank you Bucky, I mean it."

"Sure B, any time, just wanted to make sure you were fine and now you are. Take it easy." With that he was out the door quickly. Your head swam trying to piece together everything from the minute you left the to base to when you woke up now. You felt cold and decided to climb back into bed and finish eating.

* * *

 

Bucky got up from his laptop to answer the knock on his bedroom door. He found Steve standing there awkwardly with hands in his pockets. "Hey Buck, mind if we talk?"

Bucky stood aside silently to let him pass. Bucky was in no mood to talk. "What is it Steve?"

"Bucky, where have you been I could of asked FRIDAY but didn't want to intrude. I knocked on your door to find Nat here and she pleaded ignorance. I thought....I thought if you wanted me to know where you have been going you would tell me."

"I've been here a lot."

"No you haven't Bucky. Is there anything going on? Anything you want to tell me?"

"Nothing Steve to say."

"Sam swore he heard you with a girl Bucky, is it related to that? Been off base with someone? Or in someones room here?"

Bucky sighed, "It doesn't matter 'cos it's done now. It's over so nothing to say."

"Buck, is it Nat?"

"NO!" Bucky's eyes shot to Steve quickly.

"Only asking! 'cos if it was, B would have a lot to say about that."

"It's not Nat! Don't worry about B drilling into Nat over any involvement. I have just been looking over Nat who's been watching over B."

"So there is nothing going on with anyone?

"Not anymore...."

Steve placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "If you need to talk you know where to find me. See you later Bucky."

Once Steve had left Bucky let out a growl and then punched mattress of the bed hard, his fist went through it and through the bed slats underneath. His face contorted with rage and hurt. Deep down he knew nothing would happen between you and him but to hear those words, after what you had said to him. Maybe you were in shock in the forest when you said you felt something. Maybe you would of said it to whoever found you there bleeding on the cold hard ground.

* * *

 The morning passed in a blur as you tried to get comfortable in the bed. It was hard as everything hurt. Your leg decided to split open again and fresh blood covered the sheets but you felt to weak to even be concerned. You found yourself wishing Bucky was there to help you, to hold you close, to kiss you. The need to feel him solid and real next to you took root, you missed his voice, his smell. You wanted him here just to talk to you, about anything and everything. Eventually you dozed off but it was not sweet dreams that found you. Your dreams were confusing as they all blurred from one to the next. Some felt so real as your heart hammered in your chest. When you woke up with a layer of sweat a sense of unease followed you into your waking state. You felt far more exhausted than when you had gone to sleep. Tears pricked at your eyes, your head ached. You felt like shit.

Wrapping a blanket around your shoulders you slowly got out of bed and shuffled out your door and to Bucky's. Weakly you knuckles rapped on the door. So faint Bucky was not even sure he really heard it at first. He opened the door to you and it pained him. You looked so weak he just wanted to wrap his arms around you. 

"Bucky, I, I, I was wondering....if you are free....can you come over?" You nervously bit your lip as your head swam.

It took everything in him to stand firm, after what you had said earlier, why should he be your knight in shining armor? "Yeah I can't right now B. Get FRIDAY to give Nat an alert."

"I had nightmares again Buck, please." You had a haunted look across your face

"I can't help you I'm afraid, sorry B, go call Nat up." B

"God damn it Barnes, please don't make me beg."

"Don't worry I won't. If I'm nothing to you and you are just using me, go find someone else to cry on and dick to sit on."  Bucky shut the door hard in your face. Tears escaped at the change in his demeanor. Maybe he really was just busy, after all this was so different to the Bucky from that morning. The Bucky who stayed with you. The Bucky that helped you shower. Or more likely he heard what you said to Nat. You held on to the wall as sobs coursed through you. You felt so hot all of a sudden yet your bones felt freezing deep inside of your skin. Shuffling back to your door you became slower and slower. Darkness covered your eyes in tunnel vision, the tunnel getting smaller until everything was black. In a process you couldn't stop, you felt your body fall to the floor, your head hit the ground and then there was nothing, nothing at all.

 

* * *

 

Voices mumbled in your ears sounding distant and vague. Slowly they became louder and clearer as you could distinguish a familiar voice.

"Natasha?" your voice weak and croaky with your throat bone dry.

"Yes! I'm here B!" A hand stroked yours gently as a face came into focus. "She's awake!"

"B, can you hear me?" A male voice asked. Your head turned to the speaker.

"Bruce?" Why was Banner in your room.

"Hey B. Your safe, in your room." Bruce continued. "You are okay."

"What happened?" Your voice hardly audible. 

"You collapsed in the hall. Nat found you and called me. You have an infection B." 

"Infection?"

"The cut on your leg is infected. I've cleaned it and bandaged you up. I've also got some antibiotics for you to start a course of. I would prefer you to go to medical to have a full check up. Nat said not to even dare."

"Nat's got it right. I'm not going there."

"Okay well please, if you feel worse let someone take you." Banner shook a bottle of pills on your bedside table. "You have to see this course through. Three a day."

"B, I'll be back in one second, okay?" Nat called out to you then walked out of your bedroom door into the hall.

A dark figure stood against the wall, hair hung down in front of his face. He straightened up seeing the red head come towards him. "Any news?"

"He thinks she will be fine. Cleaned and bandaged it up. Given her meds."

Bucky scratched the back of his head and grimaced in annoyance, "Why won't she just go to medical? Doesn't she need an IV or some crap?" 

Nat shook her head, "No. She won't go. I'm with you on this one Bucky but what can I do?"

"What we do is go in there and physically carry her there."

"And she will scream the entire time Bucky! Trust me! You weren't there....after her um, run in with you. It was awful. Medical reminds her to much of her past...... She spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling because of you."

"So this is somehow my fault?!" Bucky's body language became defensive.

"That place reminds her of nothing but pain! She took time to recover from you. Plus it reminds her of the clinical settings she was trained in. All in all not a good place for her."

"Did, I, the soldier do all this damage? Have I really screwed her up for life? And I have zero memory of it?"

"You want me to answer that, honestly?"

"You don't need to Natasha it's written across your face. It's no wonder she hated me being here."

"So you going to go in and see her now then?"

"No....I can't...I just can't do this anymore. I don't know what's real and what isn't. I'm starting to think this is one big set up on her end."

Natasha placed a reassuring hand on his arm, "I get it. I don't blame you, but for what it's worth I think she would genuinely want to see you. Even if she is adamant to the contrary to my face."

"If she asks....tell her I'm sorry....I can't keep up with her games. I'm done."

"That's just it, you say that but I don't believe either of you are done. Not yet anyway."

"No I'm done Nat. Really. I don't know what it is, I hardly know her yet she has this hold on me....."

"It's called love Barnes, and you can't switch that off like a switch. It's not that easy."

 "Isn't love meant to be easy? This isn't exactly plain sailing is it?"

"It's a complicated situation with complicated people. Nothing about our lives is easy. You have to decide if it's worth fighting for. Holding on to. I can't make that decision for you. Steve can't. Only you. Tell me Bucky.....imagine if she had died on that mission. You found her corpse cold, stiff and frozen. What would you feel?"

"Pain. Sadness. Hurt." Bucky avoided eye contact as he made his admission.

"Exactly!" Nat placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "You would be heartbroken she was gone. She's more than just a booty call. So instead of out there, you are going to loose her here instead?"

"But, she's not dead here Nat?"

"But she's not yours either way. Can you live knowing you let her slip through your fingers? You love her Bucky Barnes.....and she loves you."

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair sand sighed. "It doesn't matter how I feel if she won't stop playing games. Ya know, she told me she felt something for me....when I found her. Yet says other wise to you. How can I live like that Nat? Not knowing where I stand?"

"When it's you and her, alone, and she's baring her soul. That's the real her. The real feelings."

"She's shared her body Nat but not her soul. I've seen glimpses of it, but she's not let me. She keeps it under lock and key."

"It's called survival. She's had to. Look. I'm going back in to her. Balls in your court. I say ignore her, she needs you. She wants you."

"Her mouth says otherwise Nat."

"Her eyes don't lie. I see the spark in them, that's the truth right there." Nat cast him a sympathetic look. She did truly feel bad for him. Coming to this base meant to be the start of something new, a fresh start. Yet you had not allowed that and ended up creating more problems for the guy. "I'll see you later Bucky."

"Nat, I know you are trying to help, thanks, but I'm not sure I can go down the rabbit hole."

"Then you will never experience the other side. You have to fall before your feet hit the ground." Nat tossed her hair then strode back to your room. You wouldn't be happy she was meddling, but it was hard to watch you self sabotage like this. 

Bucky shoved his hands in pockets then with a look of defeat he headed back to his room. Slumping on the bed he let out a groan of frustration as his head fell forwards into his hands. What was he supposed to do? What did you want from him? What did he even want from all this? Guilt simmered away inside of him. Regardless of how either of you felt how could he be something to you? How could he be trusted, depended on. You had knocked at his door needing his help and he ignored you at your weakest. Sent you packing in your time of need. What kind of person does that? This life, this life was not meant for him. Bucky cast his mind back to the casual flirtation on girl in his youth. It was all so innocent back then than now. Back then you had a brief courtship then were expected to be married, settle down with children from young. The way relationships play out these days would of been frowned on. What if none of this ever happened? What girl would he have picked to settle down with? None of them ignited this fire in him the way you did. They were pretty, and past the time to go dancing. But not once did he feel that hunger, that need. Nothing from his past compared to now and he had let you down. You deserved better than him, deserved better than a monster. Tears pricked at his eyes. All he wanted to do was go to your room and scoop you up into his rams. What was stopping him, fear? Pride? Or just sheer stubbornness? Bucky had told himself he was done, he was sticking to his word to save face for now.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does your secret Santa have for you under the tree this year?

A radio had been left on in the kitchen, a stack of CDs left next to it and put on a continues loop. You had no idea who had set it up, nor cared all that much. The music just kept on and on. You frowned as your hand went to the power plug, ready and willing to yank it from the wall to stop the racket that was apparently music. Your fingers twitched about to pull it out and stuff it deep into the bottom of the bin. Maybe stamp on it first, now your leg was mostly better, just for good measure.

"I'm watching you B! Don't! Don't you dare!" A stern voice made you jump and pull your hand away so fast. You spun around to see who had caught you in the malicious act. Tony. 

"It's driving me crazy!" You sighed.

"Yeah, well, it was Pepper's idea and I don't want to see you stomp on her fun." Tony sounded like he was giving you a lecture. 

"BUT IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER!"

"it's only a few days away."

"It's to early for shit Christmas music, it's on repeat Tony. Is Pepper secretly Hydra trying to drive us insane?"

"Some of us happen to LIKE the festive feel Miss Grumpy. Stop being a Scrooge." Tony walked over and switched the volume up then started sarcastically clicking his fingers in time to the music.

"Wipe that smirk off your fucking face!" Hand on hip you glared at him.

"Just wait B, Pepper has other ideas. Just you wait. Wanda and Sam have gone shopping for decorations, imagine lights....everywhere!"

"I'll just hide in my room until it's over."

"You mean like you already do?"

Your eyes shot at Tony with a frosty glare.

"Don't look am me like that B. It's true. I thought you would be back training by now. You don't eat with us anymore. Whats going on? Is it Barnes?"  Tony walked closer to you in the kitchen almost hemming you into the corner. Bucky was the last person you wanted to talk about, especially since he was all you had thought about. It was official. Bucky Barnes was avoiding you and you had no clue why. It shot out little pangs of anxiety and hurt through your chest thinking about it.` 

"None of your business Tony." You shot him down instantly.

"I get that you still haven't adjusted to him here. I get if you don't want to spend Christmas with the guy. I get it B, more than anyone else here." Tony was trying to reassure you, trying to be a friend but there was just to much he didn't know about. "Is there anyway you can keep up your brave face just over the Holiday period? No knives at the dinner table."

Your eyes went shiny as moister filled them and threatened to prick at the corners. "Tony, I'm tired. So, so tired. Tired of having to hold back."

"Your self control not to kill the man has been amazing B, just for a little longer hang in there." Self control to kill him maybe, but self control not to fuck him...hmmm. If only Tony knew, what would he say to you? Tony put a hand on your shoulder and gently squeezed. "After Christmas go back to being a recluse, for now, hang in there B. For now, if you need anything you know where to find me."

You gave him a genuine smile, "Thanks. I'm just finding it hard, seeing him about."

"If I leave you alone now with the music, promise you won't burn it?"

"For Pepper? Okay, I'll leave it playing but I won't even pretend to like it one bit. Fuck Christmas. It means jack...."

"You aren't the only one here with demons B, let everyone have some fun. They deserve it.  The way you and Barnes mope about we need some fun in this place."

You watched his back as he turned away. Moping about? Is that what Bucky had been doing? He didn't acknowledge you in a room, he wouldn't look at you avoiding eye contact, you never stuck around long enough to see how long he would hang around. To the outside it looked just has if you hated the guy, just like everyone always thought, because you always use to. Sometimes you still did. You would get an urge to just hit him, hard, like when he first arrived. It felt so long ago but really it had been only a few months if that.  Your mind fluttered through the emotions of hating him, to missing him, to wanting to knock on his door and rip his clothes off. You had done it before? Why not again? Your cheeks flushed as in the middle of the kitchen you remembered how good it felt to sink down on top of his hard cock, how you had whimpered as he slid it out again. How you had cum hard on his dick like you had never cum before. That's all you wanted for Christmas, one more ride on Bucky Barnes. Not a single soul, not even Nat, would know about this dirty Christmas list you had. Santa could not provide you with that this year and the one man who could, and decided to ignore you instead. 

As the next couple weeks flew by in a haze of solitary gym sessions and Netflix binge watching in bed, it was as if it was any other time of year. The hustle and bustle of Christmas refusing to sweep you away into a festive mood. Pepper in the end had paid professional decorators to come and deck out certain areas of the base. You half expected to see Father Christmas himself jump out at you. Nat went to Moscow for a week leaving you alone but would be back in time for Christmas to bully you into joining everyone on the day. As much as you ignored it, there was no way to get out of the day itself. You would have to spent the day opening gifts and eating dinner at the table, only meters from Bucky and act like everything was fine. It wasn't fine. You were not fine. 

* * *

 

Opening your door and stepping into the hall you let a huff off annoyance. Who was a head of you? Bucky and Steve no less and now look at that they were going to the elevator as well. You debated ducking back into your room and waiting until they were gone, until Steve turned around and smiled. He'd seen you. Looking down at the ground you refused to make eye contact with either super soldier as you stood in the corner of the elevator trying to put physical distance between you and Bucky.  You could not tell what was wishful thinking and what was real, but you swore you could FEEL Bucky glance at you. Repeatedly. You stayed strong not looking. He wanted to play games fine, you could also give the silent treatment.

"B," Steve's voice pulled you out of your thoughts. He had a smirk on his face. You followed his gaze. "Look up."

There hanging in the middle of the elevator, someone being funny, and stuck mistletoe toe. You rolled your eyes, "Christ sake."

"C'mon. One peck won't hurt you. Lighten up B!" Steve stepped forward then leaned down to give you a small, friendly kiss on the cheek. As he did so you glanced over his shoulder. Your eye locked onto Bucky's and you watched him take an intake of breath as his best friend touched you. Time seemed stretched out as you maintained the eye contact neither one of you wanting to look away. It was a hidden glance kept secret from Steve, something shared between only you and Bucky. It held within it whispers of secrets daring to be spit out, but instead locked away only to shown as a glimpse in a longing gaze. His fingers twitched at his side then his shoulders relaxed as Steve pulled away. He had tried to keep cool but you saw it, his body and eyes giving away his jealousy. You knew your eyes had done no better in containing your thoughts as the intensity of which you gazed at him could of held the power of 1000 suns. You felt the charge in the air of the elevator. The hairs on your arms stuck up on end and your body seemed to pulsate with electricity. All this from one mere glance? You could not deny the power of what ever lure was between you and Bucky. It was strong enough to over come the deep hatred you still had tucked in your heart. You knew in that moment Bucky felt it as well. So why was he ignoring you? It stung you deep now as he strung it out this cold shoulder. Steve seemed all together oblivious as he kept that stupid grin on his face.

Steve spoke pulling you out of your mind, "We are off Christmas shopping if you want to tag along?"

Images came to mind of you and Bucky enjoying the sights and sounds of Christmas on a cold and frosty New York morning. Shops with spectacular displays, the smell of cinnamon in the air, hot chocolate warming cold fingers. It was like a romantic Hallmark movie and suddenly you wanted it. You did. Yet you knew you could never have that, not you, and definitely not with Bucky. You forced a cold look on your face shutting down the feelings the time of year had reluctantly forced from you. You couldn't get swept away with fantasy, you had to stay grounded. You had to survive. 

You mimed vomiting with two fingers to your mouth and making a gagging noise, "Can't think if anything worse. Winter shopping with the winter soldier."

"Well nice to see you are your usual cheerful self B," Steve rolled his eyes as he exited the now open door. You could hear him mutter to Bucky as they walked. "So take it she still hasn't thawed toward you then?"

Bucky risked casting one last intense glance over his shoulder at you, as if he had to pull himself away." I dunno Steve, she's had her....better moments shall we put it."

You knew what moments he meant, the ones never to be repeated  yet could never be contended with. Off out into New York city they ventured leaving you alone once more. If anyone asked this was how you liked to be, alone. Yet did anyone REALLY like being alone? Or was it self preservation. An inbuilt desire all humans held to keep look after number one. Being alone was simpler, easier, but it was also well, alone. Given a taste of what it meant to NOT be alone and suddenly your entire way of living felt threatened, like your morals and mind set were under attack from within.  Nat would of said that while she was by your side you were never alone, you loved Natasha but it was not the same. Romantic love was a whole new level of messed up complicated human emotions.

You knew what you had to do. You couldn't keep on like this. Reaching into your pocket you pulled out your phone and opened up your emails. Frantically typing you sent an email you had delayed sending, until now. You closed your eyes as your fingers hovered over the send button. Deep breath to muster courage then you forced yourself to reply. Quickly you shoved the phone back into your pocket so you didn't have to think about what it was you had just done. Natasha would never forgive you, you couldn't bring yourself to dwell on that at the moment. You had to get through Christmas first.

* * *

 

Christmas day and it felt like any other to you. No music in your room, no festive jumpers or pajamas. You threw on black jeans and a grey long sleeved top. Scooping your hair up up onto your head you couldn't even be bothered to run a brush through it.  You eyed up your appearance in the mirror. Your fingers raced along the faint scars you could see. They might not of been as obvious to others but to you they jumped off your face. Reminders of what had been and could be again. They spoke of a life of pain. Of hardship. Not Merry Fucking Christmas.

Swinging open your bedroom door a loud jingling sound took you by surprise followed by a thud of something falling to the floor. God damn it, a stocking? Seriously who had put a stocking on your bedroom door then filled it? You picked it up and threw it onto your bed not even bothering to glance at it. It was like living with children, only you had never known any of this fuss in your entire childhood. You made your way to the communal kitchen with one intention, coffee. After you planned to take it back to your room alone.

As the doors opened the music was a louder than ever and the smell of roasting meat hit you. Wanda turned her head towards you and smiled seeing you had arrived. She hurried over and thrust a glass of mystery drink ion your hand.

"What's this?" You wrinkled your nose smelling the glass.

"Spiced rum! Drink up! It's Christmas!" Wanda lowered her voice then kept talking to you. "Please Lady S, I know who he is, what he has done. But it's Christmas."

Wanda stood aside to reveal Bucky sat on the floor next to a huge Christmas tree. His head turned to you and he stared that intense stare of his. So everyone was scared of you ruining Christmas, you wanted to ruin something alright....a person not a thing though. You forced yourself to look away scared your glances would be noticed. You took a big sip of the warming liquid and sighed, "I'm on my best behavior don't worry. What's going on? Why is everyone here?"

"Secret Santa of course! Time to exchange gifts!" Wanda was obviously buzzed as she half skipped back to the the tree area. Reluctantly you followed and sat on the edge of the crowd that had formed in a semi circle. As if you could hide away at the back. Steve was sat at the front calling out a name at a time then handing them a gift. Everyone watched as they opened their gifts, some gifts greeted with laughs others with 'ahhs' and 'ohhs'. The atmosphere was warm, intimate and lively, yet all you felt was numb coldness within you.  Lazily you scoffed some chocolate Vision passed you. 

Nat subtly moved from her spot on the other side of the semi circle to kneel beside you, you knew by her face you were in for a telling off. "You're late B. Please just act like you are enjoying this. Fake a smile, you know how to, you are literally trained to switch the charm on. Practice it."

"Be thankful I am here at all." You whispered with annoyance still clear in your voice despite the hushed tone.

"Grow the fuck up, it's not about you. Should we be thankful for the blessing of your company?" With that Natasha huffed and made her way back to where she had left a glass of wine in her previous spot. Christmas meant NOTHING, why could people not get that? It was like any other day. You looked around the crowd of smiling faces, maybe the problem _was_ with you. They all looked so content and pleased yet you felt nothing, the day failed to rouse any spark of life within you. 

A voice called your name and caused you to jerk your head towards Steve surprised. "And this one is for B, from your secret Santa!"

Everyone turned to watch with smiles as you reach across someones head to grab it from Cap's hands. The rectangular gift was wrapped in shiny navy wrapping paper and a silver ribbon tied around. It looked very classy and elegant but who knew what was inside it. Very aware of the eyes on you in anticipation you faked a smile as you unwrapped it slowly. You frowned in confusion at first at the brown tattered book. It was not new that was for sure and you were betting it smelt musty and old if you were to sniff. Confused, you turned it over to see the cover then opened it up to read inside. Your eyes went wide as your heart leapt in surprise. A first edition of a Winnie the Pooh book. Only one person and one person only could of gotten you this and it sure as shit was not Nat. The only person you had told, and he had remembered!

"What is that?!" You heard Tony saying, his voice sounded distant as you were so focused on your gift.

"It's, a, um, book...a very special book...." you could hear the voice reply vaguely as if it was not your own. Tears pricked your eyes and chocked at your throat. One of the few happy memories from your childhood you now held in your hands. How many children had read this over the years? Pages filled with joy, images of parents snuggled as they read it to sleepy children in bed. You stood up with the prized possession safe in your hand as if it was a thing of magic and wonder, gazing down you left the area in a daze and made your way to the nearest exit. You didn't care where as long as it was away from the crowd. You could feel Bucky's eyes on you trying to get a read how your emotions. Once in the empty corridor you lent back against the wall, your head tilted back as you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Why did he have to go do this? It made your next decision so much harder.

 Natasha followed you out a few minutes later. She placed a hand on your arm gently as you stood with your eyes shut, her touch making you jump. "Sorry B, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine Nat, honestly, " you blinked back tears.

"What's this all about? What was the gift?"

"It was nothing Nat, just memories, special memories. A kind act from the past, like a single flickering of a torch in a deep and dark cave."

"Are you okay?" Natasha frowned hoping you weren't about to loose it as you were obviously emotional.

"Yeah, yeah, go, enjoy the rest of the day...I'm going to go back to my room..." You walked off leaving Natasha confused but happy you seemed to enjoy your secret santa gift.

 

Once all the gifts had been handed out and laughter and chatter rung out in the crowded room Bucky broke away from the conversation with Steve to approach Sam in the kitchen.

"Hey, Sam. Just wanted to say thanks for that." He gave Sam a hint of a smile, the most Sam had ever personally witnessed from him.

"Anytime man, I didn't know what to get Lady S so I'm glad we swapped. She seemed to like it what ever it was so you apparently did good." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making up the book info...I have no idea what condition it would be in or how obtainable.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Years arrives and with it a new opportunity for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was inspired by Snow Patrol - What if this is all the love you ever get?  
> In truth this whole story was written with that song in mind. I had thought about doing a one shot based on it yet this story sprung to life. go listen and feel the heartbreak in your soul!

With a damp, cold sweat on his brow and a racing heartbeat threatening to hammer its way out of his chest, Bucky bolted upright in the bed. He squinted trying to calm himself and let his vision adjust so everything would no longer be blurry. Bucky realized his hands were gripping the bed sheets into tight balls within his fists. He let go of them but the cotton was torn from the force. He had been dreaming, again. Nothing new about that as his past plagued him continuously. 

The shout that had disturbed him rung out again. Instantly his brain shot to you in concern. He then mentally chastised himself for his brain still holding you at the forefront of his mind. Besides, it wasn't coming from your room but from his door. Another shout was followed with a hand slapping at the door seeking urgent entry. A female voice called out, begged, but he knew it did not belong to you. She sounded frantic and wild. Fear gripped him knowing that what ever this was it could not be good. He looked down at himself unsure of what he had been wearing when he fell asleep. Deeming it suitable he got up and pulled the handle of the door. Before he could open it a force from the other side barged in upon seeing the handle move.

"Did you know?!" Nat screeched at him as she strode in. Her eyes wide and red from crying, tears still streaked her face. Her hair wild, body heaving from deep breathing.

"Know what?" Bucky frowned.

"She can't do this! She can't do this to me! You, Bucky you have to stop her. You have to talk to her, talk her out of it!" Natasha sat down on the bed as the panic never left her face or voice.

"First off, who? And what is it they are doing?" He tried to talk calmly.

"B of course! She won't listen to me. I've actually begged her but she's not listening! Why is she so god damn stubborn? What does she think it's going to achieve? She's supposed to care about me. Yet she hasn't thought of me once in all of this. B has done all this behind my back."

"Okay Nat, calm down. What is it she has done? And why do you think she will listen to me?" Bucky sighed.

"You know her bags are packed? Plane ticket bought? She's going Bucky. She is actually going, without me." Natasha sank onto his bed, sweeping the hair from her face as strands were plastered with tears to her skin. She looked up at Bucky with fear and desperation. Bucky had no idea this bond between the two of you ran this deep, he knew you and Nat were good friends, but you depended on each other to cope with life it seemed. Arguably not healthy but for you to leave Nat like this spoke volumes.

"Packed? Packed where?"

"For London."

"Like holiday?"

"No, like for good Bucky."

"What makes you think I can get her to stay?" Bucky sighed.

"Please Bucky, just try."

"What makes you think I even want her to stay?"

"I see it in your eyes. I see it in her eyes. I see it."

* * *

 

One hour earlier

 As you rummaged through your draws you let out a sigh. Your favorite pair of jeans, gone, missing. Yeah they were only jeans, you could replace them both these fitted just how you liked. Doomed to be lost forever now. So engrossed in your task and preoccupied in your frustration you failed to hear your door open and close.

"What the hell is this?!" A voice from behind took you by surprise as you whipped round to see who it was.

"What do you think it is Nat?"

Nat stormed over to the bed and threw open your suitcase. She picked up a hand full of belongings, glared at it then tossed it back in a heap.

"Hey, what the fuck Nat? I had that all folded neatly."

"Neatly? For what B?" Nat glared at you.

You cleared your throat and stared down at the ground, you couldn't meet her eyes with what you were about to say. "Um, I, I got a job offer."

"Are you kidding me? Who? Where?"

"MI6...London....they propositioned me a long time a go. They said they would always keep a space open for me. Pay is good. Furnished apartment. Car and driver."

"So it's about money? Ask Tony. He will throw some bills at you I'm sure."

"No! It's not about the money!"

"Then what's it about?" Natasha's voice rose demanding an answer. "How can you leave me B?"

"How can I stay?!" Your tone and volume now matching hers. "After what I have done? Who I have done?"

Tears started to streak Nats face. "You and me B. It's supposed to be you and me. Please just think about this. Whatever you are running from I can help you!"

"It's too late! I said yes. They have my plane ticket booked and paid for. Come with me. I'm sure they would hire you as well. It will be an adventure Nat! A new home!" You reached out to touch her hand only for her to rip it away with a glare on her face.

"Home? Home?! We have no home and we never will. Look at us! What are we? We are murders! Hackers! Guns for hire! Spys! Manipulators! We put these sick skills to good work here. Can you say the same at this MI6?"

"I can't look at him. I can't stand to see him. He taunts me with his presence. It's killing me Nat..I hate him so much yet..." You turned your back to Nat revealing the real reason for your sudden departure.

 "Yet...you care about him? I know you do. Deep down in that black cold heart of yours."

Whipping round to face Nat you screamed in her bewildered face. "SO WHAT IF I DO? WHAT DO I FUCKING DO ABOUT IT? HUH?"

"What if, what if this is it B? Your chance? Your shot at love, at happiness?"

"Then cupid has a messed up sense of humor!" You threw a t-shirt hard on to the bed narrowly missing Nat but making her flinch. 

"I am serious. What if this is all the love you'll ever get? Look at us. Look at you. Look at him. How on earth would any of us hold down a relationship? How could any of us open ourselves up?"

"Simple Nat we don't! That's not meant for us that life!"

"Thanks for writing me off as doomed to be forever alone. It could be possible B. If you met someone who could understand it all. Someone like Bucky. Messed up understands messed up. You just....you have to just try. At least try B!"

Your hand rubbed across your forehead feeling a slight ache start. You had wanted to avoid goodbyes. Avoid confrontation. Avoid this. "What if it hurts Nat? What if it's just one big bag of crap with a metal arm? What if by pursuing this stupid notion of love I just get hurt in the end? What if I get hurt like hell?"

"Then it hurts like hell! But at least you know! You wouldn't worry about counting your regrets if it panned out! If this is the only love you are to be shown then you won't find it in the unknown of London."

"I feel like I'm falling apart Nat. Like I'm a wreckage. Living in the ruins. Don't I deserve to step out of the shadows?"

"So it all goes to hell and you just run and leave me behind. Throw me aside."

"Well maybe you can go screw Bucky then. Since you are pinning all these hopes and dreams on him being the one! Go!" You pointed at the door hand on hip. "Go on! Go and start some messed up shit of your own with him! If he's the one male alive who could possibly love me apparently! Then he could love you as well. I'll be gone out of your hair leaving you to it."

"Your a fucking bitch B you know that? You don't care who you hurt if it means you don't have to hurt!"

"You think I don't know pain? I don't know suffering?! I do! A huge part of it at the hands of the man you are begging me to give it a go with! I have to remember every time I see him! The one person who's touch I crave is the one person who makes me feel sick! Think it's easy living like this? You work on the assumption he even wants me in the first place."

"Running solves nothing B!"

"It solves everything! Out of sight out of mind!"

"You really believe that? I bet you will fly to the other side of the pond and yeah it will be fine at first but it will seep in. You will start wondering about Bucky. Where he is, who he's with. You will start thinking what if. The feelings will hop on that plane alongside you. Just stay B! Please!"

"Fucking enough Nat! Learn when to give up! Now get the hell out so I can pack. I was hoping I could say bye to you but you've ruined that now! If you won't drop it then fuck off! Who gives YOU authority in MY life? No one!"

Silently Nat stood up and walked out, she slammed the door hard behind her. She wouldn't give up you knew that, not yet. She would hatch a plan. You had to be strong and more stubborn than she. Nat cared about you and you knew this all came from a place of love, but boy, did she have to be a pain in your ass? You sat down on the bed the pain in your head growing stronger. Your fingers traced absent minded over your lips as you stared straight a head consumed in thought. Bucky. Your fingers remembering where his lips had once been as they trailed down your neck. You had opened yourself to that monster and were paying the price. But what price did he pay? He was the one that beat you yet still got laid and got to keep his new life here. You were the tortured one that was ignored and about to start afresh. You felt that all to familiar mix of emotions that rose up whenever your mind lingered on the topic of Bucky. That deep hatred mixed with that intense longing. It still felt so alien to you the idea you could possibly want HIM. Yet you did, you still did. What was it about him? That pull you felt. What if Nat was right? What if this was the only love you could ever know and you were about to hammer the nail in the coffin?

 Your eyes feel on the bedside table. The book for your secret santa, or not so secret santa. Who else would have got you that? Bucky had remembered what you had said and brought you a gift that was priceless in sentimental value. Diamonds and gold had nothing on this.  You opened up the the beside table draw and flung the book in then shut the draw hard. Sitting there you stared at the closed draw. You know it was there. You couldn't see it but you FELT the book in there....and what that book meant to you. Did you want a reminder of Bucky with you in London? You tried to talk yourself into leaving it behind being the best option. It was no good the guilt of leaving it behind ate into you and you were not even gone yet. You opened the draw and retrieved it, however you placed it right at the bottom on the suitcase. Hidden. Buried. Out of sight. It would come with you but tucked away in the shadows. Just like whatever had happened between you and Bucky. 

 


	21. Chapter 21

That was it. You were done, dusted, fully packed. Your life condensed down to one large suitcase. Everything you had chosen to leave behind Natasha was welcome to have. It's not like you had much of a life to pack. Nothing of sentimental value. No family photo albums or childhood memories. You had been denied, robbed of that by men in suites. At least it had made you strong though, a fighter. Not like some poor innocents who were used and abused then tossed aside. The only good thing to come from all of it, you could look after yourself. They didn't want this for you. They failed. They wanted you dependent, pliable and brain washed. You smirked to yourself, boy had that backfired on them big time. So after what you had been through were you going to suddenly become dependent on a man now? A man like Bucky? Hello no. You were Black Scorpion. It was time take back that strength and rid yourself of this unintended emotional baggage. 

A knock on the door made you frown. Nat was the only person to know you were leaving. Even then that was because she stumbled across you. You weren't expecting company. Without rush you went to your door and opened it slightly, enough to see who it was but hopefully not enough for them to see the packed suitcase. You peered into the hall. You frowned and instantly went to shut the door in your visitor's face.

A loud slap rung out as the palm of a hand forced the door open wider. A voice pleaded with you. "Just one minute B. For Nat's sake."

You crossed your arms and huffed, "So your the big guns she pulled out to get me to stay. It ain't going to work Bucky boy."

"I don't expect it to. But like I said, Nat's sake. I said I'd come see you to try. She is heart broken B."

Bucky and his large frame took a step into the room allowing the bedroom door to click shut behind him. He forced you to take a step back but you were still in such close proximity. Your arms in front of your chest worked as a shield. You looked him up and down. His hair unkept and ruffled as it framed his handsome face. His stubble casting a shadow.

Bucky looked the epitome of dark and brooding. You could smell his musk. Not a bad body smell. But just him. The heat radiated from him, or were you just imagining that part? You tore your eyes away not even aware you had both been stood silently staring into each other's eyes. Lost in the blue day dream of his gaze.

Your lips parted slightly and you saw his gaze flicker to them. He was going to kiss you. Your eyes slowly fluttered shut as you waited. Yet nothing came, you opened them again to find him stood staring heavy breathing from his gaping mouth in the same place. Motherfucker! He was toying with you! You frowned in anger not wanting to admit the disappointment to yourself.

"What the fuck you want Bucky. Go." You turned your back to him so he couldn't see your face. You couldn't cave to him. Not now. You were going and that was it. What did Nat think was going to happen?

Bucky lightly put a hand on your shoulder which you instantly shrugged away. "Let me be Bucky. Just let me go away. Far away. You never have to think of me again and I'll never have to see you again."

"But you will still think of me?" Bucky tried again to place a hand on your shoulder, this time it visibly sagged but you did not fight him off. 

"You are the monster that gave me these scars. I will ALWAYS think of you. I can't ever forget you, like it or not...."

"I don't blame you for wanting to leave B."

"Well that's good since I wasn't seeking your approval on the decision. But thanks for that. Means a lot." Sarcasm dripped from your tongue.

"Oh god damn it B. Stop it. Stop that. Have an adult conversation. No sarcasm. No lies. No half truths. No nothing. Just learn to talk to people!" Bucky placed a hand on your other shoulder spinning you around so you had to look at him. You had to face him.

"What are you wanting to hear exactly?" He could see the moisture gleaming on your eyes that you tried so hard to hold back. But Bucky saw it, he saw you.

"That you won't punish Nat for what happened between us?"

"Nothing I have done is to punish her! I wish she wouldn't take all this so personally! I am going because I can't be here anymore. I can't. ME."  You pointed your finger to your chest.  "What the fuck even happened between us anyway? Quick couple hate fucks is all."

Bucky placed a hand on your face as the word's ripped through him. Is that all you two had been? A fuck? If it was just two people letting off steam why did he feel the tightness in his chest? His heart in a vice hearing you dismiss it and brush it off. Then it struck him. This was it. The last he would see you. You would swan off to your new life and never see each other again. "That really all it ever was? Some venting? Tell me. Truthfully. What was it to you?"

You looked down away from him. He knew then. You were lying. What ever was going to come out of your mouth was a big fat lie. You were hesitating, stalling, avoiding. Bucky brought his face closer to yours and tilted your head up. You felt his breath hot on your face as he spoke. "Tell me B. Tell me it was nothing, meant nothing. TELL ME."

You closed your eyes as you replied, "You were, you are nothing."

"If that was true why are you letting me touch you. Why haven't you kicked me out of your room? Where is the abuse you once so readily dished out to me?" Bucky stepped forward until you were mere millimeters away from each other, his hand still on your cheek. He saw your breathing deepen. He saw you lick you lips. He saw your body for a fraction of a second tilt into him.

You had expected him to push you away if you said it was nothing. To walk out and leave you be. It's what you wanted him to do. Needed him to do in order to make this leaving malarkey easy. You wanted easy. You wanted care free. Instead the heat and the energy of his proximity begged you to reach out and touch him. Begged you to close the gap. Your hand slowly came up and lingered on the space above his chest. Painfully slow and drawn out your fingers skimmed the top of his chest as you remained stood in the moment. Then they rested on his chest, slowly pressing down until your whole hand was now on his pectoral muscle. You had completed the circle, he was joined to you and now you had joined to him. No matter what lies either of you spoke the truth flowed through silence. 

Bucky without warning pulled you into an embrace, your head fitted against his chest perfectly as his chin rested on your head. Like two pieces of the same puzzle slotting together.  That part of your mind that was all about self preservation began to shout loud in your own brain. If you were to stop this now was the time. Now. Pull away. Walk out of the room.

"It's okay to admit what ever it is you feel B. It's only me in the room. Just don't go back on it minute my back is turned. How is that fair on me? Playing games?"

You sunk into him further. "I never meant to play any games. I never meant for anything. Why you Buck? Why couldn't this of been anyone else? Anyone else I could sleep with, be with. No fucks given by anyone. But you? The one person I wanted to be near the least is now the one who I want the most. It's a head fuck Bucky."

"Which I get B. Which is why I would of taken anything as slow, or as fast as you wanted. Instead you dangled it in front of me on a piece of string to the whip it away again when Nat came in. When I found you...in the forest. That was awful seeing you like that, but spending time sharing a bed with you? It felt so good, so real."

"I have to go Bucky,' you said slightly muffled into his chest. You were finding the embrace more and more comforting.

"Then go," he whispered back. "What's stopping you?"

You pulled away from the embrace enough to be able to see into his eyes. It looked like they were searching, for you, to hold on to if you just reached your hand out with something concrete. Something real from your mouth for once not to be retracted once in the presence of others.

"What's stopping me? You say that like I'm second guessing myself. I'm not. I'm going Bucky."

Bucky slowly lent forward his eyes closing shut as he pulled your face closer to his. Instinctively you closed your eyes and met his lips in a small kiss. Tender, warm but delicate kiss. He broke the kiss ever so slightly to softly speak against you. You felt his breath and the movements tickle against you your eyes still closed. "This doesn't look like going B."

"Shut the fuck up Buck. Believe me. I'm going." Without hesitation you reached your hand up into his hair, you felt his mouth pull into a smirk as you grabbed a handful. Pulling his mouth into yours you kissed him, hard. Bucky met your pace deepening the kiss. His hands roamed down your shoulders, grazing your tits, over the the curve of your hips to cup your ass. He let out a needful moan as he pulled your pelvis into his groin.

You hungrily sucked on his tongue before walking backwards to the bed. Your hands coiled around his head and neck dragging him with you. Your calves connected with the bed. You fell back landing on the soft sheets. God you would the luxury of Tony Stark's dollar. Let's hope London would be just as fancy.  

Bucky didn't hesitate to lay down between your open legs and begin devouring you in a kiss again. Your hands roamed all over him as you felt him press you into the mattress. Bucky was practically dry humping you, yet you could feel for yourself you were far from dry. The heat was building in your stomach....and lower. A pressure begging to be released. A needful pressure no one built up quite like Bucky.

Your lust filled brain deceived you. Before you knew what you were doing your hands went to the hem of his top and pulled it up over his head forcing him to break the kiss. His hands fell to your clothing where he returned the favour removing your top. His eyes roamed over your chest as your breasts heaved beneath him from heavy breathing.

"Perfect," he muttered before kissing over your neck and chest. One hand resting on the side of your neck gently stroked your smooth flesh with his thumb as his lips worshiped you. You bite your lip as a shudder went through you of excitement and anticipation. You could feel his erection digging in as he grinded into you. Your hand moved from his broad shoulder to palm it over the top of his clothing. You had forgotten how big, how perfect, his cock was. You kept teasingly stroking and cupping his cock feeling satisfaction as his hip went back and forth to meet the palm of your hand.

You had him so wound up. Part of you just for the sheer amusement of it debated putting a halt to it now. Leave him alone with a raging boner as you swanned off to the airport. As tempting as it was your needs were not far behind his in terms of urgency. Your back arched wanting to feel more, either his mouth below the fabric of your bra or moving down your stomach. Anything. You just needed more as your hands moved to pull down his trousers.

Getting the hint Bucky got up and removed his trousers. You watched from the bed your knuckle moving to your mouth. You bit down with lust filled eyes as it seemed he was being painfully slow. Or perhaps it was just you being impatient. Your hips wriggled as you laid on the bed eager for something. Bucky noticed and smirked.

"I'll wipe that grin off your fucking face Barnes."

"Hmm or maybe I'm about to put the same one on your face."

"I'd like to see you try."

"I bet you fucking would B. I don't need to try when you want this just as much as I do."

"Are you going to keep talking about this all day or what soldier? Put your money where your mouth is. Shut up and fuck me."

"Oh if you insist doll face." That smirk again spread across his face as you moved to take of your trousers and panties. You lifted your hips up so he could move them down noting the eagerness in his movements. He removed his boxers in a rush. No foreplay. No build up. You both needed this badly. 

You spread your legs wide while staring into his eyes. Bucky could see the gleam of your dripping pussy ready and waiting. You looked amazing and it pained him thinking this was it, this was the last time he would get to fuck your tight, wet hole.

Bucky took position up between your legs. A hand either side of your head as he held himself up. His cock had found it's target instantly. Slowly he thrust just enough to part your lips by a small amount only to retreat again. Over and over the head of his cock would nudge you feeling the wetness coat the head of his cock. You were dripping. It slipped upwards hitting your clit delightfully.

Without warning he plunged himself deep into you. You took him but you yelped in pleasure and surprise as he slammed into you.

"You okay?" He looked concerned pulling himself up to look at you.

"More than okay! Don't fucking stop now!" Your hands moved to his butt pulling him back into you and encouraging him to pick up the speed. He obliged with no hesitation. Each hard and fast thrust had the bed rattling and you being shoved up a little bit of a time. 

"Ow!" With a bang your head hit the head board he had fucked you so hard into. One hand of his reached up to rub the spot.

"Shit! I'm sorry B are you alright?" He paused his momentum to check in you.

"I'm fine," you laughed with flushed cheeks and messy hair. Pulling you back down the bed, Bucky lent down to kiss you as he resumed his speed. You could do nothing but close your eyes and grip onto him tight as you could no longer have an y coherent thoughts. There was only the hear and now as the pressure built up inside you. Each thrust sending a new wave of pleasure through you. Your fingers dug in, accidentally scratching him with your nails as you desperately held him close to you. 

Bucky watched your closed eyes. He saw your lids flutter with each thrust, he saw the needful desperation for more as he sped up the relentless pace. He had a strength and stamina of a super solder to not get tired as he fucked you this way. Bucky watched your pretty mouth as moans left it like music to his ears. This was you. The real you bared out beneath him. Scars and all. You were not denying him or rejecting him, you were welcoming him and pulling him down for more. Like he couldn't give you enough. Time lost all meaning as there was only the here and now. For a moment Bucky forgot you were supposed to be leaving and relished the thought of this.

There was no power struggle this time, no assertions of dominance, no anger to work out. Only pure want and desire. Two people who cared and lusted for each other joining together. It was not romantic but it was sensual and passionate nonetheless. 

Bucky lifted up then gently pushed down on your right leg opening your self up even more. His large cock could fill you more and hit a deeper, new angle. He enjoyed your cry out of approval. You looked thoroughly fucked as your eyes finally flitted open to look up at the man on top of you. You smiled as the two of you maintained eye contact. He looked glorious in action. A mess of sweat and hair and muscles. You thought you couldn't take much more yet he kept going at that pace. The difference between super soldier sex and usual sex.

"I...can't....much....longer," he groaned out as thrusts became more and more sloppy.

You pulled him down to kiss you as you spoke into his mouth, "then let go Buck."

He remained pressed against you kissing you passionately as a hand snaked down to find your clit. In rhythmic circles he gently used his finger tips. You arched your back into him in response, his mouth trapping your cries of delight. Your body began to shake and judder such heights of pleasure you had never experienced with anyone else. Bucky was trying to hold back, draw it out. He didn't want to end the moment but your pussy became so wet as such lewd sounds came from his cock entering you he couldn't help it. 

One hard thrust and he paused as he was buried to the hilt, his warm seed deep in you. Your walls tightened around him, you broke the kiss your head falling back, your fingers dug deep into his hair as you felt the surge go through you. One giant blinding wave of heavenly pleasure. You had cum at the same time heightening the sense of intimacy. Bucky collapsed on top of you his face buried in your neck. In panting silence you laid there, in union. His now softening erection and the mixture of liquids caused his penis so slow slip out of you. Bucky rolled off and laid next you panting as he came down from his high.

You curled into him rolling on to your side, his arm coming around you pulling you in. Idly you ran your finger over his chest feeling sleepy and relaxed. He looked down and across at you and smiled. You met him with a content smile but no one spoke. Bathing in the moment that was so fragile. So delicate. So temporary. The only time you had been open and honest and it had been in silence.

You felt so safe in his arms. Your eyes grew heavy feeling the heat radiate from him.Before you knew it you were asleep cuddled against him with Bucky not far behind. 


	22. Chapter 22

A dry mouth and distorted sense of the passing of time greeted Bucky when he awoke. Bolting up right in the bed realizing he had fallen asleep, and had no clue what the time was. Patting the bed next to him his heart sunk feeling the cold emptiness. You had been gone long enough from your side of the bed to have lost all trace of warmth. All trace of you. His brain scrambled to retrieve it's last memory before sleep had taken over him without his knowledge. You had been smiling curled up against him. Bucky had kissed the top of your head now....nothing.

A rustling noise grabbed his attention where his hand fell on the pillow, a piece of paper with hand writing scrawled quickly across it. Like a last minute thought. It simply said "Told you so. Bye Buck." You said you would go and you did. Bucky crumpled it in his metal fist angrily. Cowardly you had run away with little thought or consideration for him.

Bucky quickly grabbed his clothes and dressed, jogging to the communal kitchen area he found Nat staring out of the big window. She seemed lost in thought as he came up behind her. Her left hand placed on the glass longingly.

"Nat...what time is her flight?" Bucky asked urgently.

"It's too late." She spoke in a monotone voice.

"No! I'll get her at the airport!"

Nat turned around and looked him dead in the eye with a tear rolling down her face. "I said, it's to late. She left. I watched her go. Her plane is due to leave about now. She's done it. She's actually gone and done it!"

Bucky covered his face with his hands then swept the hair out of his face. "Fuck sake. She's stubborn as hell that one. Listen Nat...let's give her some time. She will come back."

"No she won't she will save face and ride it out!"

"You don't know that Nat!"

"I know her! I am her! She is me! Yet she is gone anyway."

The sound of someone clearing their throat caused the pair to turn around. Tony Stark stood there with arms folded frowning. He raised an eyebrow. "Now hold up, who has gone where exactly?"

The words started to tumble out of Nat's mouth so quickly one after another Tony failed to comprehend what was being said. Tony walked over to Nat and placed a hand on each shoulder. "Wait! Slow down! Where has Lady S gone and why is the tin man getting the blame." 

Nat slowed down and started breathing deeply having forgotten some intakes of air. She glared at Bucky then to Steve. Bucky turned his back and with a sharp inhale scrunched up his face waiting to hear just what Nat was going to say.

"I..said...B. She's run to London. She got a new job in secret."

"Okay....so why did she run? Because Barnes was here? I thought that had calmed down?"

Nat let out a sarcastic "Ha!" sound. "Calmed down? Oh no they decided to throw a spanner in the complicated works by sleeping together! Twice!"

"Three times....." Bucky quietly corrected. "Earlier...today!"

"You fucking idiot! You were supposed to get her to stay! Not have your last roll around! Couldn't help yourself could you?!" Nat gave him a large shove from behind then stormed off. "Couldn't keep it in your fucking pants could you eh?! Dirty bastard!"

"Well that was quite the unexpected revelation. Not sure if I should kick your ass or high five you." Tony looked genuinely surprised at the news.

"Doesn't matter now. She's gone..."

"I need details. When where how."

"Nat said her plane is due to leave now....

"London you say?" Tony reached into his jeans pocket and grabbed his phone. He started searching and typing away as he rushed off. "That I can work with!"

* * *

 

You stared down at your passport flipping it open then shut. Looking up at the clock then going back to turning it in your hand. Looking at the clock then running your thumb over the writing. Eyes flitting up at the clock again. Time had come to a stand still, each second seemingly drawn out. The seating starting to dig in uncomfortably. How long had you been sat here for now? Your eyes then flitted to a screen that changed every so often, scanning for your flight. Each time it stayed the same.

A scream grabbed your attention. Looking up a family were trying to distract a grumpy toddler who apparently preferred to lay on the floor. You hadn't meant to stare, the mother gave you an apologetic smile. You looked away blankly in response. Her face then changed taking the perceived rudeness personally. It wasn't, you just never knew how you were supposed to respond. What was appropriate and what was not. You had learnt to read body language and how to please older men. You had learnt to sit in their lap and smile, act interested as they talked, manipulate them into talking. You were used to being told when to smile and to who. You weren't taught normal social conventions. You were taught control and discipline. Not real thoughts or feelings. Emotional development lacking from such an early age, you were surprised you weren't in fact even more sociopathic.

You watched the girl on the floor. So much youth, innocence and hope. Three things you had never had. Never been allowed. Would you even know how to care for a child given your upbringing? What kind of mother would you make? You could kick ass but could love something that much? Some days you doubted you could love anything in your frozen heart. Then your mind flitted to Bucky and your heart fluttered. Maybe not entirely frozen over then. But you and Bucky? A couple? How would that even work? 

"Annndddd what are you still doing here young lady?" A voice made you jump. "You are supposed to be on a flight to London about now."

"Tony! What are _you_ doing here? How did you know?" 

Tony Stark slid into the seat next to you. "Nat."

"How did you know where I was?"

Tony raised an eyebrow and shook his cell phone in front of your face.

"Oh of course you knew where I was....guess you know about the delay as well then?"

"Oh of course I knew B. Think I would turn up on a whim hoping to catch you? Apparently New York can handle the snow but Heathrow can't? Not use to such deep snow the brits."

"Don't think I stayed because anyone begged me. I would be on that plane right now if I could be."

"When is the next flight?"

"Could be hours, days. Depends on the weather in London. Everyone's stuck here until then."

"So you were going to camp out HERE? Rather than come back to base and wait?"

"Maybe...." you looked away from him unable to look him in the eye. It sounded petty saying it out loud.

Tony let out a sigh. "I know B. About you and Barnes."

Oh shit, you let out a groan Tony knew, how?!  "Fuck sake. Nat?"

"Bingo."

"Don't be angry at me Tony. It was not planned!"

"Oh I'm not angry B! Surprised maybe, but not angry."

"He is the reason you are running away then. Did he....hurt you?" Tony lowered his voice in concern.

"No. More likely it was other way around. I was drawn to him when I didn't want to be. You know how I feel about that man Tony."

"Yes I do B, which is why I was so surprised. What were you thinking?"

"I think I wasn't thinking I don't know where it came from...it just..happened."

"No matter my thoughts on the man I want you to be happy B. If that's with him I won't like it but I'll tolerate it. I won't begrudge your happiness."

"How can I be happy with him Tony? It's him!"

"You learn to let go. Let go of the pain. Only you can make it work not me, Nat, Steve. You and him work together."

"I don't know Tony...."

"Don't give up on your future because of your past." Tony stood up and held his hand out to you. "Come with me. Forget London. Come home and be with the ones who care. Or stay and wait for next plane to strangers who just want to use you for what you can do for them. Your choice."

You looked up into his eyes. He wasn't begging you, he was just stating facts. London was the land of strangers. The land of cold emotionless missions. The land existence apposed to living. You took a deep breath and before you knew what you were doing you were reaching up and grasping for his hand. Tony pulled you up to stand then wrapped his arm around you, loosely but enough to pull you in to somewhat of an embrace. "Not a word to anyone that I admitted it, but I'd miss you B. Not miss what you can do as a team member, you. Think back to a time when all you wanted was to be seen as a person. You have that. With us. The choice is yours."

"You fucking win. But only because the planes delayed! And I don't want to camp out here! Alright? I can wait for another flight back at base. I can go any time I want still."

"If it helps to tell yourself that then B yes, you are free to run away again when the plane's are up and running."

You moved to walk past Tony shrugging his arm off of you, you barged his shoulder as you went past and shot him a filthy look. "Fuck you."

"Oh you wish sweetheart. Pepper might have something to say about that though. Maybe run it by her first."

"Shut up or I'm staying at this god forsaken airport," you said walking of a head.

* * *

 

With your hand luggage being lugged over your shoulder and a suitcase being wheeled in your other hand you slinked through the building. You managed to mostly avoid people. The only people who knew you had been planning to leave were Natasha, Bucky and now Tony. You didn't want to have to explain what you were doing to anyone else. You made it to your quarters and let out a sigh of relief. A figure stepped out of doorway making you jump and drop your belongings.

"Fuck! Bucky! You scared me!" Your eyes still wide in surprise as you stared at the glum looking figure.

"You came back home then." Bucky spoke in a monotone matter of fact tone.

"Is this what this is? What you are? Home?" You gestured vaguely at him.

Bucky took a slow step towards you then another. You didn't speak as you stared into his eyes. He had such a deep darkness to them that pulled you in. Bucky tentatively reached his flesh hand up and dug it gently into your hair. His finger tips grazed your scalp sending shivers down your spine as he didn't break the gaze.

"It can be," he whispered finally breaking the tension filled silence. "I could be. If you wanted me to. I could always be your safe place. Your peace. Your calm. Your security. If you let me."

 "I'm supposed to trust you, the man who did you KNOW what to me?"

"Yes B. I am not him anymore. That's not me. Not who I am. I am starting to see that now."

"But it could be again. And you want me to just hand over my mind body and soul. My heart."

"Yes because you would have mine. I would be equally vulnerable in the hands of the Black Scorpion. What do you say B? Come home?" His eyes pleaded with you.

Melting into him Bucky caught you in an embrace holding you close. He pressed your head gently into his chest to kiss the top of your head. "Don't fear this B."

Being in his arms felt so good abd so right. Like you had gound your place in the mess of this world. You didn't feel in danger. You didn't feel judged. You felt vulnerable and that terrified you.

You pulled away to once again stare at his eyes. Pausing you licked your lips as your heart hammered in your chest. "Yes then. I'm home. Here. With you."

In response Bucky's lips were instantly on yours in a deep, sensual kiss. His hands roamed over your body as he walked you backwards without breaking the kiss. He didn't even break the kiss as he unlocked his door. Bucky didn't break the kiss as he walked you to his bed. He didn't break the kiss as he laid you down. He hardly even broke the kiss as he entered you,  making love to you for the second time that day but in a way he had never before. The connection ran deep. The need now infused with something else deeper, mutual wanting, affection, care. You gave your mind body and spirit over to him in that beautiful moment in it's entirety. He was yours and you were his as ecstasy coursed through your body taking your breath away. 

 As you gave yourself over to it and let it unfold a voice repeated in your mind, "the plane is just delayed. I still have a ticket. A chance." Guilt stabbed you over this inner mantra as you made love. His eyes were filled with such lust and you knew yours did tlo. Betraying you if you had said no. Shivers ran down your spine as he kissed your neck pulling you out if your thoughts. 

 As you both lay there panting and finished you curled up and whispered staring at him, "home."  It felt alien in your mouth yet you knew it was the truth really no matter how much you fought it. Maybe it was time to accept fate and your unexpected reality. Maybe you really did love Bucky Barnes.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot? What plot? Just an excuse for smut ;)

Fresh and clean from the shower you stood over the sink brushing your teeth with nothing but a towel wrapped around you. Your head dipped low for a final spit, you jumped as you lifted your head to see a figure coming up behind you in your reflection.

"Shit! You made me jump Bucky!" You looked into his eyes in the reflection. Coming up closer he pressed himself into your back while maintaining that deep stare in the mirror. That intense stare alone sending shivers down you. Gently, slowly, sensually, Bucky brushed the damp hair from your neck then placed a kiss on your bare skin all the while holding that stare. You gripped the sink tight as you instinctively arched your back and took in a sharp breath. Your ass pressed into his groin as your upper back pressed against his firm, broad chest. 

He spoke into your neck, his warm breath tickling you. "Had to check you were still here. You hadn't run away."

"Have some faith in me Bucky."

"Can I? Can I trust you B?"

You turned to face him. You remembered your suitcase still packed. Dumped in the hall before you just made love to him. Twice. Three times in one day that made it. Bringing your fingers up to cup his face you kissed him. "I guess you will have to wait and see Bucky."

"This isn't a game."

You turned away from him looking at your reflection to make sure you didn't have tooth paste around your mouth. And to also avoid responding. You didn't mean to play games. You knew you should tell him that, and aplogise. It was hard to open up and admit you were wrong. 

"Talk to me B...after that...you can't deny what we just did. That was..."

"Amazing?"

"Yes amazing, fantastic, mind blowing. You B. You blow my mind and you did the minute I first got here and I saw such fire in your eyes. You were a mystery. Intriguing."

"I..I am sorry Bucky. I was just hurting when I saw you here. Face to face with a demon."

"And is that how you still see me?"

"Sometimes. It's not fully gone. I hate what you did to me but I no longer hate you. Some days I don't know what I feel. Like a pendulum swinging from hatered to the other end of the spectrum."

Bucky's shoulders slumped hearing the words. "What is it you are feeling now?"

He had put you on the spot. "Tired? Hungry?"

"You know what I mean B." You felt his torso pressing into the back of you radiating such warmth. You realised he was naked. He had come straight from the sheets you had both been in to check you had not done disappearing act on him. 

You let the towel slip away from you falling to the bathroom floor. "This is how I feel Buck. Exposed. Naked. Vulnerable."

"I hope one day you can feel safe around me." Bucky repeated his earlier action kissing your neck. His hands came around to your front cupping your breasts. Tilting your neck to allow him access you let out a slight moan. Bucky slowly begane to massage your breasts in a rhythmic motion. You pressed your bare ass into his groin. You felt him twitch and stiffen against you, your nipples hardened in response. Heat went to your core feeling that burning desire. You felt a slick wetness down below. You dug your ass deeper and deeper. Gently Bucky bit down on your shoulder. His right hand left your breast and snaked lower. Slowly travelling down to your pussy where he gently parted your lips with one finger.

"Hmm you are wet. Again, already." He smirked as he plunged two fingers in suddenly without warning pumping them in and out.

You sunk backwards into him a hot moaning mess of sudden need and want. Fuck it. What was a fourth time that day? "Fuck me. Now."

"You are clean from the shower though."

"I don't care! I'll have another!" You were almost pleading.

Bucky pumped harder into you with his fingers then removed them without warning. He held them up as they glistened in the light of the bathroom with your juices. He brought them round watching in the mirror as he slipped them into your mouth. You sucked on them taking them both whole into your mouth. He damn well nearly came there and then feeling your tongue lick them clean. 

Bucky grabbed your thigh and lifted your leg so your knee was resting on the sink. He bent down to see your pussy. It was glistening and such a beautiful sight. He knew you were clean from the shower as he started to massage your ass cheeks. You tilted your pelvis wanting something, anything, to stimulate your pussy. Bucky took the hint and slowly sunk a finger in. Perfect spot to watch it enter your wetness and see drops of your fresh juices. You bit your lip, hard. 

Playing about he slowly slid it in then out watching it dissapear into you repeatedly. Bucky toyed with different angles then curled his finger to reach a deeper hidden spot enjoyed the sudden loud moan that spot ellicited from you. Bucky removed his finger then placed a hand on each ass cheek spreading it apart. He moved closer until his tounge connected with you. He gently flicked the tip over your clit. Your legs were beginning to wobble holding your self up as his tongue flicked faster and faster. 

Bucky stopped his fast pace to press his tongue flat against your clit. He licked from your front to the back. Over your wet hole tasting your wetness back to your ass. His tongue kept going taking you be surpise as it licked over your asshole. A sensation you had not expected yet he heard the squeak you let out as he did it again. Starting at the front of your pussy all the way over to your tight asshole. It was different but felt good as he lapped over and over with such a range of sensations. You felt so hot and dizzy from the stimulation.

Bucky stood up and lowered your leg from the sink seeing it tire. "Damn it B. You are beautiful you know that?"

You smiled at the compliment then moaned as he entered you without warning forcing you onto tip toes. A firm hand on your back pressed you down to bend you over the sink as he slammed into you again and again each time forcing a moan out. His hand crept up your back to grab a handful of hair causing you to cry out as he grabbed it and sped up the pace. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you managed some words as the heat rose in you. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head each thrust coming so soon after the other.

"Oh B. Oh god I am not going to last much longer. Look at you. Those tits. That pussy so wet for me. That tight ass." Bucky gently pressed his thumb against your asshole. He didn't enter just gave you extra sensation. 

"Bucky!" You screamed out the extra sensation enough to send you over the edge as you came hard. He fucked you through your orgasm seeing your legs wobbly and feeling your pussy flutter. 

"Come here I'm going to cum. Where do you want me to?"

"Hmm on my face Buck."

"If you say so." He smirked pulling out quickly and urgently spinning you around and forcing you to your knees. You were face to face with his large cock. It was so impossibly hard as it was desperate for release. One of your hands went to your clit as you watched his hand pump his cock. Quickly he pumped at it until he let out a moan and hot fresh cum showered over your face. A couple more sloppy pumps as a few more spurts came out. He opened his eyes to see you smiling as you licked your lips. It was in your hair, all over your face. Using a finger you swiped some from your cheek and licked it off.

"You are killing me B. You can't ever leave. Not after seeing that." Bucky smiled breathless and hot. "I need to cum on your face at least once more before you try to run away again."

"Glad you enjoyed it. You ruined my after shower clean feeling." You stood up to face him. You pressed your hands against his sweaty chest feeling it rise and fall. 

"Then what are you waiting for B, get back in there and let me wash you." Seductively you walked into the shower knowing your hips swayed. You turned on the warm water letting it cascade over you. Turning to face him you ran your hands over your body letting him watch. He groaned seeing your skin so shiny, so perfect. A familiar feeling in his cock as he stepped in to join you. His hands joined yours running over the curves of your body.

"I don't think I can manage again. B. Seriously."

"You don't want to try and make it what, fourth or fith? I lost count." You stroked his cock feeling him respond in your hand.

"Dear god women is there no pleasing you?" He smiled as he kissed you deeply pressing your body into his. His cock slipping between your legs teasingly. He had his way with you one more time in the shower with the same vigour as if it was the first. The stamina of a super soldier at it's fineness. 

Exhausted and spent you fell into bed naked not sure you could walk come the morning, you were guaranteed to be sore. As you both exchanged sweet and dirty comments you reminded yourself of that packed suitecase. It was still packed. Ready to go. You could still go. You held on to the idea of escape still a possibility like a security blanket. A secret get out plan. Minute your flight was back on track you could go. Couldn't you? You were so good at knowing what men wanted to hear your training deeply ingrained into your mind. You did want this, didn't you?

Propping yourself up on one elbow you watched the soldier asleep next to you. His mouth was parted slightly as he breathed in and out. How could this be the same man you had put so much energy into hating for so long? And now he was the closest you had let anyone other than Nat in. As you moved a scar on your arm shone in the dim lighting. He had done that to you. Two years ago he had grabbed you and tortured you and now you were sharing a bed. You pulled away with a silent tear in your eye at the duality of emotions. Bucky must of sensed the movement as a strong arm sleepily pulled you in. You gave in to the sweet embrace as his warm body comforted you. Sleep finding you as your breathing fell into the same rythm as Bucky's.

 

 

* * *

 

As he headed through the hallway Sam practically tripped over a suitcase and weekend bag that had been left on the floor. He swore under his breath muttering about who would leave that there. It was the worst spot for it right in the middle. Sam picked it up and moved it to the side against a wall.  _Some_ people were considerate of others!

Voices grabbed his attention. Even through walls and doors. He could hear shouting! He was sure he heard your voice, something about "fuck" and "Bucky". Almost screams at some points. Sam knew you two being next door neighbours was a bad idea. You were in there shouting and ranting at him again. What had Bucky done this time? Probably not a lot to incur your wrath. Sam debated knocking and see if all was alright. He didn't want to get in the middle of you like that. Bucky was a super soldier. He could handle you if you really did try to kill him this time.

Sam pulled out his phone hearing a loud bang. A heads up to Cap that something was going down and you guys were at it again, he may need to check up on Bucky in the morning. The bags he wondered could be Bucky finally having enough of you. Maybe you have pushed him to far this time and he was going. Or maybe Bucky was moving rooms, it was probably a good idea the guy was getting an earful in there!

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot...what plot? ;) expect smut in this one.

 Bucky stirred as he slowly came to from the haze of sleep. Stretching his arm across the bed he yawned. Frowning he patted the bed coming up empty. Bolting up his eyes scanned the dark room in search of you, his heart chilled to the core for a split second. He exhaled a sigh of relief hearing the shower running. You hadn't run away from him, yet. It had been a week of this. Every other night one of you would tip toe to the others room in the silent, dead night. The nights filled with secrets and lust but always felt the fear come morning. The fear you had gone to London, the fear you had changed your mind, the fear you still hated him. Bucky laid his head back down able to let go of the sudden burst of panic.

Nat was the only person who knew and she was sworn to secrecy. Tony hadn't spoken to you to pry. Not once. He was giving you the cold shoulder which was fine by you if it meant not having to talk. There was a sense of awkwardness about this, this.....well whatever it was with you and Bucky. It wasn't just sex but not even dating considering the privacy and well the lack of actual dates. Some weird state of half together but not really. It was such fragile early days for both of you. It didn't feel quite entirely real for either of you. 

Stepping out from the bathroom you had nothing but a small towel covering you. You smiled at Bucky seeing he was awake. Starting to dry yourself you talked to him with your back turned. "You snored."

"No I didn't," Bucky replied matter of factly.

"Uhhh yes you did." You turned to him as you continued to rub yourself dry. 

Bucky pushed the covers back and moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing you. His hair hung down messy, stubble on his solid jaw, nothing covering his toned torso. He bit his lip watching you roam over your own body.

"Come here," he commanded. You felt the heat in your stomach at the firm command. Obeying you dropped the towel to seductively walk towards him standing between his legs. His firm hands rose to your hips pulling you forward. Gently Buckly placed kisses across your stomach. Gently biting down on your hip he looked up at you with a cheeky smile. Your hands went to his hair as you closed your eyes enjoying the gentle attention.

In between kisses on your flesh Bucky spoke. "Tell...me...I'm....not.....dreaming."

You pulled his head away from your stomach. "Bucky, look at me. This is real. No dreaming, real."

"Good. Now put some clothes on. Before I start something I don't have time to finish." His hands gently traced over yours ass, hips and thighs. Bucky smirked seeing you take a sharp inhale as his fingers came close to your inner thigh. He longed to sink his fingers into your wet core, hear you moan, send you to breakfast after just cumming on his fingers. In fact, screw it. It was exactly what he was going to do.

Bucky grabbed your ass cheeks hard causing you to let out a deep breath in surprise. "Come here."

"What if I say no?" You raised an eyebrow at him.

"You won't." Bucky had such smugness in his face you wanted to walk away now out of sheer spite. Instead you let out a shriek as two fingers dived into your pussy with no warning. For someone so reserved, so quite, he was showing a different side slowly. A more fun, open and playful side. This was not the same Bucky who would peek out from behind his bangs uttering "I'm sorry" every minute to you. He walked around the base with head slightly higher, shoulders back and stood taller. Like for the first time since arriving he wasn't just a guest he lived there.

"Ohhh....fuckkk." The pleasure of unexpectedly being filled made you moan.

"That feel good doll?" Bucky started pumping in and out feeling how easily you became moist. You grabbed his dark, messy hair tightly, spurring him on to go deeper until his fingers hit deep in you. Pulling them out you felt so suddenly empty you whined.

"More?" He raised an eyebrow at you with a gleam in his eye.

"Yes! More!" You were breathless with desire. Bucky loved seeing you enjoy yourself, especially since this all felt so new still. Like the novelty was never wearing off. Here he was, with a beautiful girl ready and waiting. Not long ago you couldn't stand to look at him yet his eyes had been firmly set on you the minute he first saw you. There was just something about you that drew him in before he even knew of the difficult history. 

"What ever you say!" Bucky plunged his still slick fingers back in you. While stood infront of him you wriggled about wanting more. Trying to get him deeper, or some friction on your clit. Anything. A hand slapped your ass as you enjoyed the slight sting it left. His free hand came up to slap your tit. Seeing your eyes flutter as his hand grazed your nipple he did it again and again. 

You felt lost in the lust the passion taking over and before you knew it you found yourself sinking your pussy up and down on those fingers. Over and over you moved yourself needing more.Opening your eyes you realized Bucky had stopped moving entirely, he was sat grinning as now three of his fingers were stretching out your eager cunt as you fucked yourself on them.

"Get that smirk off your fucking face Barnes." 

"Or what B?"

What the hell, who did he think he was? He looked so proud of himself. The cat that got the cream. You grabbed his hair harshly enough to pull his head forward. Roughly you forced his head to your pussy. Gyrating your hips you forced your pussy all over his mouth. His tongue connected with your clit as you moved back and forth. Keeping his head in place you took charge completely enjoying the sight of him struggling to keep up as you rode his face.

He palmed at his hard cock straining against his boxers. Bucky pulled it free and roughly jerked himself unable to see anything but you. He let out a groan that vibrated onto you. Your deep breaths began to turn to moans as over and over you rode him relentlessly. The moans grew louder. You let go with one hand to palm at your breast and erect nipple. Massaging for extra stimulation. 

Bucky stuck his tongue in you causing you to moan louder. He swallowed a mouthfull of your juices just to do it again, he swirled his tongue all inside you drinking up every drop. He could feel he was about to cum but wasn't sure what to do. Let you finish on his face? Or flip you onto the bed and bury himself balls deep into, fuck you into oblivion as punishment for face fucking him. 

Bucky decided to push you onto the bed side ways, two large hands on your hips easily guided you down. Bucky hooked an arm round each thigh and pulled you down the bed swiftly as he took up position on his knees on the floor. One large hand firmly placed on your stomach kept you from moving as his tongue began to ravish you. Super speed and super stamina from the super soldier left you mewling as you saw stars.

You eyes were shut yet your vision still exploded as you suddenly went rigid and screamed out. Bucky still licked your clit through the waves that shot through your body causing you to shake. His face was sticky. His fingers stinky. His tongue lapped up fresh wetness as all he could now taste was your pussy. Looking at you smiling as your body relaxed was all worth it. A look of satisfied calm he had never seen on you until your first sexual encounter. Your leg flopped sideways as he tenderly kissed the goosebumps that had formed on your inner thigh. Gently his finger tips grazed over the backs of your legs as he continued to watch you come down from your high.

Bucky slowly got up and went to the bathroom you had not long came out of in order to wash his face. Bucky stopped in the doorway to look back at you breathless and content on the bed. Making eye contact with you, you both smiled at each other. 

"Ohh Bucky," you sighed looking at the toned soldier that had just given you one hell of an orgasm. "Am  _I_ the one dreaming?"

"No doll not unless this is a joint hallucination," he laughed heading into the bathroom.

You sighed sitting up hearing the running water. With wobbly legs you scoured the floor for clothes to put on, discarded from the night before. You got as far as bra and panties when Bucky come out from the bathroom. You looked him up and down noticing he still was hard. Walking over to him you wrapped your arms around his neck. Bucky responded by pulling you into him by your hips. He placed a light kiss on the tip of your nose.

"I can't help but notice you still need some relief Barnes."

"It's okay, I just wanted to see you have fun."

Placing your hands on his chest they slowly slid down his muscles as you went down to your knees. Through his boxers you ran your fingers over his cock lightly, teasing him as you smiled looking up. 

"What do you plan to do with that then B?"

"This." Hastily you pulled down his boxers enjoying the way his large cock sprung up. Not often you could say this, but his erection was a masterpiece. He had a beautiful penis that you did not hesitate to place your mouth around and let it slide back. You slide his cock all the way in until you gagged, a good amount of it making its way down your throat.

"Oh Jesus!" Bucky hadn't expected you to take that much so quick. You paused for a couple seconds before bobbing up and down his cock hitting so far back each time. 

A hand went up into your hair as Bucky groaned at you deep throating him. He unintentionally started to pull your head back and forth while he bagan thrusting into your mouth.

"Perfect doll. That pretty mouth of yours taking my cock. Beaitiful. You take it so well." Bucky began to pick up the pace hitting the back of your throat faster. Both his hands went to your head head now holding it in place as he face fucked you. Your hands came up to hold on to his thighs, your nails digging in slightly. Bucky moaned as the only sound you could make was a wet sloppy "glug". Spit was escaping and running down your chin. 

"I'm gonna cum. Where do you want me to cum? Your mouth okay doll?" Bucky looked down to check if he had permission. He saw a faint nod as you made eye contact. Bucky was becoming sloppy with his thrusts as he was reaching the end. With a moan he paused as his cum shot down your throat with force. You felt the hot spurt slow down as he slide out of your mouth going limp. Bucky shivered as you held his cock to lick the tip clean swallowing every last drop. 

Breathless Bucky pulled back up to standing. Gently with a knuckle he wiped away a tear from where your eyes had watered gagging so much. He kissed you not caring you just had his cock on those same lips. 

"Shit!" You pulled away suddenly hearing your phone starting to ring. You rushed over to it's place on the bedside table hurrying to answer. You knew who it was.

"Hi! Nat! Yes!" You scrambled to find the rest of your clothes in the mess of shared clothing and bed covers on the floor. "No! I haven't forgotten I will be there shortly. I lost track of the time! See you in a minute."

Pulling your clothes on werr sloppy as in a rush. Bucky stood amused watching you rush around. "Late by any chance?"

"I forgot I said I would train with Nat!" Running your fingers through your hair you tried to smooth it down best you could. Bucky had really done number on it. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful as always."

"No I mean it Buck!"

"You don't look like you just took a load of cum to the face OR cum on someone elses face if that's what you mean!"

"Don't look so proud of yourself Barnes, I don't have time to wipe that grin off your face again."  

Bucky grabbed your wrist as you headed to the door pulling you in to an embrace. He kissed you passionately hands roaming your body. He spoke into your mouth, "you have time for this though."

Pulling away you replied, "I really don't, I have to go. Check the coast is clear."

"God sake," he grumbled under his breath. "God forbid anyone see you leave my room."

"Just do it Bucky!" Bucky did as you instructed as he had had to do before during the week. A rule you had unintentionally put in place. Who ever's room you were in had to go and check the hallway, make sure no one was there. After all it would be odd to everyone else to see Bucky leave your room casually in the morning or you his.

He opened the door and looked, "No your fine. No one is ever there. Ridiculous."

"Stop with the tone Bucky. We have no privacy in a place like this. Forgive me for just wanting to make sure. Look I will message you later, see if we can both get some alone time in together this afternoon."  You gave him a peck on the cheek then rushed on out of the door. Bucky frowned as he shut the door behind him. Bucky didn't exactly reject the idea of keeping it, how did they say it these days, 'on the down low'? Given the history you guys had, and the base being home and work, made sense to avoid gossip. It was the way you went out of your way to keep it hidden. Would it really be so bad if everyone knew? No sneaking around? Able to come and go as you both please? Hell he could even hold your hand in public! Such a shocking thing to want to do after what had been going down in between the sheets every single night this week.  Just for everyone to know you were on talking terms would be nice! Everyone thought you hated him still and were hiding from him in your room. Were you embarrassed of him? Ashamed? Was it pride? Were you scared to admit it to the outside world? Bucky could not wait until he would get the chance for some more stolen moments just the two of you. He missed you already as you had rushed out the door. This wasn't what it was like for other couples was it? No they got to do normal things like sit and have coffee together, actually have a public conversation. It was getting to Bucky and he knew it shouldn't do but he could not help it. It wasn't even like he could go talk to Steve about it all either. He felt bad keeping this from his friend, but how would he explain it all.

 

 

You jogged into the gym with flushed cheeks as you had raced there. You went through the double doors to see Nat glaring at you from a bench, arms folded across her chest and legs crossed. Boy could she dish out stern looks. 

"You're late B."

"Yeah I am sorry Nat I'm here now."

"I haven't seen you all week B."

"God how dare I take some time to chill out over the holidays." You rolled your eyes but refusing to make eye contact with the angry redhead.

"Are your bags still packed B? You still thinking of leaving me?"

"NO! THEY ARE NOT! Now...if we can get on with this please..." Shit, she knew you were lying. You still had a bag packed just in case under your bed, because well, you never knew. You turned your back to her to walk over to the rowing machine. 

"Is it...is it him then B?" Nat lowered her voice.

"Shhh!" You turned around to look at her. "Yes! I've been with him."

"Does he, does he make you happy B?" Nat frowned at the fact you hadn't trusted her to tell her the affair was continuing, 

"Yes, very, we spent every night together this week." You smiled to yourself remembering. 

"EVERY night? God you have gone straight from booty call to old married couple haven't you?" She sounded shocked.

"Try and pretend to be happy for me!"

"I am! I am....just. Be careful. This is Bucky Barnes we are talking about. It's hard to get my head around. It hasn't been plain sailing, you made it hell for him now you are sleeping with him. Routinely. "

"Every night this week." You smirked.

"Every night?" Nat sounded surprised.

"EEEEVVVVERRRRYYY night."

"And you are still walking straight B?"

You winked at her, "Why do you think I haven't been leaving my room."


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friendly fight at the gym goes to far.

"Can we just talk about it B?" Bucky sounded defeated, like he didn't even have the energy to discuss it. His hand ran through his dark hair as he sat up in bed.

You sat with your back to him on the edge of your bed lacing up your black military boots. "No."

"So that case has been packed for the entirety of January and you 'forgot' it was there?" Bucky calmly quizzed you looking for answers. 

"I didn't forget, I knew it was there." Your response was monotone as you shut down.

"And it was there why?"

"It was just there alright Bucky?! It was just there!" You stood up rapidly and turned standing over Bucky who remained seated on the bed.

While looking for your panties on your floor he had found the hidden case. It was now well into February, a month of sneaking around with Bucky behind everyone's backs. Every single night without fail. Even when Bucky had a mission and got back at four am. He returned to you curled up in his bed wearing a t-shirt of his. You hadn't given the case much thought, what it meant, what it signified. That while Bucky was relaxing into this....what ever this relationship was, you were ready AND prepared to leave at a moments notice.

"Thought it would be handy in case of any last minute missions, ya know in case we are there a few days."  You wouldn't look him in the eye as you spoke, you couldn't stand to see what his eyes would say.

Bucky grabbed your wrist more harshly than he intended as his voice rose, "Don't lie to me B! Where were you going to go? Without telling me? London?!"

"Don't fucking touch me!" Pulling your wrist violently from his tight grasp you slapped him hard in the face. His hand instinctively went to the sharp sting of his cheek as his head jolted sideways. 

"I'm...I'm sorry...I shouldn't of grabbed you like that. If you would just talk to me." Actions such as that meant so much more given your history. He had grabbed you before, and he saw the flicker of fear in your eyes if he was ever too rough with you. It was gone before you even knew it but he hated seeing it and knowing he had been the one to put it there in the first place.

"Just drop it Bucky! It means nothing! I just left it there alright?"

"Okay B if you say so, but if you need to talk to me, you know you can. You don't have to run." 

"I said drop it! Now lets just go get breakfast. All that sex has made me hungry," you said trying to turn the conversation light hearted but you could see in his eyes it hadn't worked. 

You didn't wait for him as you strode out the door and down the hall. Bucky easily caught up with you meeting you at the lift. As you both waited for the elevator to arrive he placed a hand gentle on your shoulder. You closed your eyes as you tilted your head to gently nuzzle your cheek against his hand.

"Buck, I'm sorr-" The sound of the lift arriving made you throw his hand off and jump away fast. He turned to frown at you then turned to look at the opening steel doors that gained his attention.

Inside the lift stood Sam going about his daily business. Sam politely smiled then stepped to the corner allowing room for the both of you. Once in the lift you made polite small talk but refused to make eye contact with Bucky. Sam may of been talking to you but he clocked the body language of the super soldier. One fist slightly clenched then relaxing over and over. His frown was so deep and the man was practically pouting. Sam wondered what argument he had broken up now and suddenly regretted being in the same lift with the two of you and the tense atmosphere. The whole base wished the two of you would just get along, end the tension. No one dared invite you both to anywhere at the same time. 

Awkwardly and silently the trio exited the lift, Sam said his goodbyes going one way while you and Bucky headed to the kitchen. Silently you both prepared cereal then sat on stools at the long breakfast bar. Bucky watched as strategically you left a gap between the two of you. Last night in bed you were begging him to fuck you hard and grabbed at him to feel him as close as possible. Last night he had been less than an inch from your face, watching your expression change as he slowly entered you. Last night you had casually slipped into bed beside him like it was the most normal thing in the world. Which it was for couples to do, nothing out of the ordinary in what you guys did behind closed doors. Just that's where it stayed clocked in secrecy spilling your hearts out under the moonlight. The moon had kept your secrets well in a cloak of darkness. 

This morning he had woken up to you asleep with your mouth gapping open and one leg straddling him. He had then left the safety of closed doors to the reality of his life here, a double life he couldn't talk about. Bucky had to pretend none of it had happened, like the moments he longed to get back to had never existed.

The silence was pressing down on you as you brought your spoon to your mouth. The only sound to pass through the kitchen were the sounds of spoons hitting bowls, cups hitting work tops. You didn't blame Bucky for being annoyed, not really, but you couldn't bring yourself to talk about it. And the fact you were in a communal space right now meant you couldn't. You had to keep up these pretense. There would tension between ANY couple after falling out but the forced silence fed it. You guys had done it before, entire breakfasts in silence after a night between the sheets but they didn't have this thick negative aura begging to be cleared.

"Bucky, what cereal you got," you practically whispered looking straight ahead.

"Red berry granola, want to try some?" His voice low matching yours.

"Yes please," leaning towards you, he awkwardly held a hand under an outstretched spoon to your mouth. You met him in the middle taking a bite.

"Hmm that's good," you talked while chewing. You could feel a drop of milk run down the corner of your mouth, casually Bucky brought his hand up to wipe it away. You knocked it away and glared, "Remember where we are."

"Jesus christ B no one is here!" His voice seemed even louder after the previous hushed tones. "Being ridiculous!"

 "Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous Barnes!" You guys didn't hear the footsteps approaching as the sound of your stool screeched on the floor. You stood up fast with a raised voice. "It is practical that's all!"

"You say practical I say ridiculous."

"You would say that wouldn't you, you just don't get it do you! You think everything that happened can just be forgotten about that easily?"

Steve cleared his throat causing you guys to turn to him and Wanda, "Sorry to interrupt."

"It's fine Steve! I was just going!" You stormed out.

Wanda winced putting a hand to her forhead, "I can feel it!"

"Feel what?" Steve helped her to a stool as she seemed to focus on the intense in her head.

"Everything." Wanda looked up directly into Bucky's eyes, she had a glint in her eyes as she answered Steve but was actually talking directly to Bucky. "Everything that they feel. Such intense feelings. Bleeding out into the air."

Steve huffed, "This isn't fair on you, on any of us. B can't keep effecting everyone around her with this hatred for Bucky. We ALL live here."

"It's fine Steve," Bucky mumbled into his breakfast. 

"No it is not! We need to talk about this. If she's making it hard for you to be here again."

"I said it was fine." Bucky glared at Steve a warning of 'don't push it'.

"Bucky, I don't get it. Why are you okay with being walked over? Treated like this?"

Wanda smiled at Bucky, "I can feel it Steve. She's calming down. The hatred is easing off...something else there now."

Steve seemed oblivious to Wanda's cryptic clues and knowing smirk. Bucky registered it though and shot a quick pleading 'don't say anything' look. Wanda slightly nodded in subtle reassurance. Whatever she thought she knew, she was keeping hush about, for now. Bucky dreaded you finding out that Wanda new, slowly the list had gone up to Nat and Tony, now Wanda. Bucky knew Steve would be angry if he found out, he was going to end up so far down the list if at all at this rate. 

Done eating and done with this conversation Bucky went to leave the kitchen. "I'll meet you in the gym Steve but just drop this, I'm dealing with it."

Bucky walked off leaving Steve with a deep frown and Wanda with a headache to work out some aggression on a punching bag.

 

You smirked at Nat as Scott edged closer to you. When able to grow and shrink, or control ants, Scott Lang had a huge advantage but like this? Well the fact you were kicking his ass in hand to hand combat and you weren't even breaking a sweat said something. You could tell he had not been trained from young like you. Or spent years honing his talents, diet controlled for optimum health and fitness for years. Scott edged closer and went to punch. You ducked the blow landing a punch to his stomach. While he was doubled over you launched yourself at him knocking him backwards. Scott fell back on to the crash mat with you landing ontop straddled. You moved to place your hands around his neck in a mock choking gesture.

"And that would be you dead, again," Natasha stood over him as you climbed off. 

Scott sat up rubbing his neck, "Well I can think of worse ways to die."

"This isn't a god damn game!" Your voice raised louder than intended. "Anything can happen out there, it's not a joke, you HAVE to be ready. Get up. Watch me and Nat."

Scott moved to the edge of the training area with a hand resting on his stomach. He watched as you went through the same moves but on Natasha. You both gave him strategies to regain the upper hand.

"Now, again!" Natasha instructed Scott pointing to where you were stood. As you looked over to Scott you caught sight of Bucky and Steve having a friendly boxing match. Bucky looked over at you making eye contact for a split second. Long enough for him to drop his guard and earn a punch from Steve. You winced internally knowing it had been your fault.

You went over the moves with Scott again, encouraging him as he attempted to block and counter you as Natasha shouted orders. 

"Good!" The red head shouted. "She would still have killed you by now if she hadn't held back!"

You shrugged your shoulders at him, "Sorry Scott, for me it's just not much of a fight. We will keep going though, getting better."

"Steve! Bucky!" Natasha ordered them with the tone of her voice alone without even having to look. "Let's make it more interesting, show Scott here a more interesting match. What do you say, keep it friendly though. We're not all super soldiers."

Bucky dropped his fists and came towards you guys. He had a look on his face you couldn't read, silent, dark, brooding.

"Okay let's go then," Bucky stepped into the training space and looked to Nat. Natasha looked at you, you took steps back giving them space while keeping your face blank. She took it as a signal it was okay by you. You watched as they danced about. Bucky was holding back but still kept knocking Natasha to her ass. You felt a stab of jealousy in your gut as you watched her try to wrap her legs around him to bring him down. You reminded yourself at the end of the day it was you who shared a bed with him every night, and you hoped after this mornings argument you still would tonight.

Natasha out of breath wiped sweat from her forehead. She laughed as she got up from the crash mat knowing it wasn't going in her favour. A few more rough crash landings and she held her hands up signaling defeat. "You win Barnes! But see Scott, how it's done. He kicked my ass but I still managed to get some kicks in."

As Nat stepped back to where Scott and Steve stood, you stepped up to take her place. 

"Well this won't end well," Steve muttered under his breath.

"Relax," Nat placed a hand on his shoulder. "It will be fine."

Steve looked down at Natasha. "You seem so sure of that."

You walked up to Bucky and lowered your voice so no one could hear, to the outside it looked like you were perhaps taunting him. "Any bruises Barnes and I expect you to kiss them better."

"Oh yeah, what about mine?" 

"You're a big boy, you can look after yourself." Smuggly you placed a hand on your hip and took up position.

It was obvious, he was being gentler on you than on Natasha. He kept blocking but didn't retaliate so much so you kept gouding him, teasing him, trying to get more of a reaction. Truth be told he looked so damn hot like this. If no one was here you would of let him pin you to the floor of the gym here and now and well...you shook the image from your mind. Bucky started to respond with the same level of aggression he had shown Nat. 

"Finally Barnes, you grow some balls, took you long enough" you muttered to him. You saw his face look more and more annoyed.

Bucky lunged at you and grabbed you by the throat.The look of anger on his face terrified you as he hauled you into the air. He slammed you down on to the floor knocking the wind out of you. You tried to say his name but couldn't get the words out as he clenched tighter. Bucky began to change in your mind. You suddenly saw flashes of that mask over his face, a leather jacket, the dead eyes. You broke out into a sweat, it was the soldier! It wasn't Bucky it was him!

Reality and hallucination blurred as fight or flight kicked in. On auto pilot you screamed at him as you wrapped your legs around his waist as he crouched over you. In doing so you were able to reach your boot and slip out a concealed blade. With your face distorted in rage you plunged it into his shoulder. You pulled it out ready to stab again but Bucky let go and retreated.

You crawled away backwards then struggled to get up as you bagan to shake. Nat ran up to you, dropping the blade it clattered to the floor. You held a bloody hand up in front of your blurred vision as Natasha put her arms around you.

"Nat, it was him. He was here, he chocked me like that night in the ally."

"Shh it's okay B, the soldier is gone, he's gone," she reassuringly tried to pat your back.

"God damn it! What did I say Nat." Steve shouted running to Bucky. Scott stood looking confused at how quickly it had escalated.

"Not now!" Nat shot him a warning glare with a stern look and equally stern tone in her voice.

"I'm alrightI I'm alright!" Bucky held his hands up to Steve keeping him back. Bucky twisted an arm round to feel the wound snd sighed when he saw blood on his hand. It would heal easily he thought.

"Oh god, B!" Bucky turned to see you crying and quivering while being walked out by Nat. "I'm so sorry B!" 

"She stabs you and you STILL say sorry? It's ridiculous!" Steve shouted at Bucky.

"You don't get it Steve!" Bucky went to walk off in the direction you had gone.

"What don't I get Bucky?!"

"You just don't get it! Just leave it Steve!" Bucky disappeared out the gym doors more concerned for you than the blood dripping down his arm.

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learns the truth.

Steve hammered on Bucky's door, "It's me, open up!"

The door swung open to reveal Bucky looking down and his hair slightly obscuring his face. He stepped side ways and sighed as he let Steve enter. He didn't want to talk to anyone, anyone but you that is. Bucky kept seeing the fear in your eyes that turned to burning rage as you had stabbed him. He told himself you hadn't stabbed him...you had stabbed HIM. HE was what you feared not him, not Bucky. Could he ever really distance himself from the soldier in the minds of others. The way Tony looked at him still, the way you had looked at him earlier, was it destined to always be like that? That was NOT him. Not anymore.  

"How are you doing Buck?" Steve spoke snapping Bucky back to reality. Bucky shut the door and slowly turned round to face him.

"Yeah I'm fine no need to be concerned. You know how well we heal. It's nothing."

"Well if it's nothing then why are you holed up in your room? Talk to me Buck. Let's go somewhere grab dinner. Away from this place." The look on Steve's face made it hard for Bucky to reply. He knew he had been neglecting his friendship for you and felt guilt over the fact. Ordinarily he could of gone out with Steve no issues, but today of all days? All Bucky wanted to do was check on you, if you could even stand to be near him.

A knock on the door saved Bucky from having to give an answer just yet, he shouted at his new visitor. "Come in!"

A sheepish looking Nat poked her head round the door, "hey Buck just a quick visit if you are free - oh! Steve I didn't know you were here, I'll come back later."

"Hey...Nat." Steve sounded puzzled by Natasha's appearance.

"Um yeah I'll catch up in a bit Nat." 

"Later boys!" Natasha shut the door leaving Bucky to face Steve again. Steve turned round to face Bucky once more with a raised eyebrow.

"So Buck when I asked if anything was going on with Nat-"

"I was telling the truth!" Bucky sounded defensive.

"Soooo," Steve smirked. "If I was to go and ask her out on let's say, a date, you would be fine with that?"

"Yeah be my guest Steve! I told you!"

"You are 100% telling me the truth?"

"Nothing is going on between me and Nat! We just talk more 'cos of well.....B." 

"Ahhh! I should of guessed! How long 'till you brought her up Buck! I know she is very attractive...but...Buck...really? I can't say it nicely, but drop it! She's doing what she can to be insufferable to you and you are STILL seeking forgiveness from her."

"You don't understand Steve....she has such a pull over me..."

"I'm sick of hearing about her! We have missions, we have lives here outside of B! Don't get me wrong, B is a highly respected team member but she is not your only reason to be here. Look what she did today!"

 "Yeah what she did today was MY fault. I pushed her with out meaning to and that's on me!"

"Enough Bucky!" Steve shouted. "This has to stop! Now! Forget about her and this quest for forgiveness or redemption or what ever it is!"

"I can't Steve," Bucky clenched his jaw tense.

"Why not? You have yet to give me anything close to a reason never mind a valid one!"

"Because I love her Steve! Okay?! I love her!"

Steve sighed and scratched the back of his head, "No you don't Bucky. You are in love with the idea of her. A crush, an infatuation!"

"I love everything about that women Steve! Things you wouldn't ever know in a million years! Like how she lets out a little sigh after the first sip of coffee in the morning! How she likes epsom salt with essential oils after working out or a mission! How she bites her lower lip when nervous, or horny. How she binge watches a whole season of a netflix show in bed, in a day. How she has an irrational phobia of her feet sticking out of the end of the bed!" 

Steve's jaw dropped open at the passion in Bucky's voice. How his eyes looked dreamy remembering these details. "You can't possible know all that! Bucky-"

"It's been going on a while now Steve. I love her."

"I know everything has been hard for you here, I'm sorry if I pushed you to hard or to far....but...I am worried..this fantasy you have concocted..." Steve placed a hand reassuringly on Bucky's shoulder with a confused look in his eyes.

Bucky shrugged it off with a flash of anger, "you think I'm lying? Go ask Nat. Go ask B. Where do you think I am every night? Why I haven't joined you for late night gym sessions? Or for pizza? You think I've been crying myself to sleep at night alone here?"

"Okay," Steve sighed. "It's just hard to believe. B being well-"

"A bitch?"

"I was going to say 'B being B' but yeah that as well. I won't even ask HOW this came about."

Bucky smirked remembering the first time two of you had sex. 

"I dont know what to say Bucky," Steve continued. "If you had made me guess what one thing you were keeping secret there is no way I would of guessed it. Not B anyway. Just one question, does she make you happy?"

Bucky smiled thinking about you, "she's a head fuck but yes, yes she does."

"Then I truly hope for the best for you guys. I mean it." Steve squeezed Bucky's shoulder. "Rare these opportunities come about...if you feel that deeply...hold on..make it work. Even if I don't quite understand it."

"Steve, I know you think about her and miss her. I'm sorry, I'm sorry you won't get the chance with Peggy."

Steve looked down sadly, "Exactly why you need to grab love where you find it. People like us? Two soldiers out of their own time? We don't often get that kind of chance. Don't waste it."

"Soldiers out of time. We were soldiers then, still fighting now. Maybe I'm done with it being all about the fight. Maybe it's time to really....live."

"That's a great sentiment Buck but I get the feeling you should be having this conversation with someone else. Someone prettier than I am."

Bucky sighed and slouched onto the bed, "Why does it have to be so god damn complicated...this sneaking around. No one knows and it's so hard. When I see her in the kitchen and I just want to put an arm round her. When sat on the couch I wanted to be able to sit next to her."

"Then do it Bucky."

"If only it was that easy!" Bucky reached across his shoulder to feel for the stab wound. He winced then inspected his hand to find no blood. "Good job it wasn't deep. She looks at me and still sees him. I can't have this conversation with her. I shouldn't of come here. I should of stayed away from her."

"This self pity had dampened down, don't start with it again. She HATES you. I mean HATES you, yet still shares your bed. That means a lot, a hell of a lot. She goes to bed every night with the man she calls a monster. Go to her. Show her the love and compassion now that you could not then. You want her? You are a soldier? Go fight for love don't give in so easily. Tell her what it is you want and how you feel. Don't avoid her for days holed up here."

"This was bad though Steve, you saw her face. B was petrified of me. She attacked out of fear. Real fear."

Steve started heading out towards the door,"So go reassure her she doesn't have to be afraid anymore."

 "Some where, deep inside, she always will be and I was the one who did that and now the one who has to live with it."

"I don't know what to say pal, you got got what you wanted, B, but I dunno if she can be tamed. Not sure her or Nat are relationship material."

"And you think we are Steve? You are Captain America and I have a god damn metal arm."

Steve shrugged, "Point made who am I to judge."

"One thing before you go, please don't tell the others. Not yet. Not now."

"So she has you at her beck and call in secret? God damn Buck. Really think if this is a healthy relationship." Steve stepped out of the door way as he spoke.

"Steve thanks for the concern but I am capable of looking out for myself! Please have a bit more respect for her." With a bang Bucky slammed the door forgetting his own strength. The way Steve talked about you made him so angry. Not relationship material, so what Steve just saw you as a sec object? A play thing? A fuck toy? You were so much more than that to Bucky. 

* * *

 

Some things about the future never ceased to amaze Bucky. Like how a few swipes on his phone and he could have stunning flowers delivered quickly without having to even leave the building. Bucky looked in the mirror and with his free hand swept his hair back. Taking a deep breath he opened his door and took the short few strides to your door.

Standing still he froze with his hand hovering ready to knock. Closing his eyes he forced himself to rap on the door, his heart felt tight with suspense waiting for your response. It felt like time had stood still. Perhaps you weren't here. Finally a voice pipped up once he knocked again, "Go away!"

"B! It's me! Please...can you open the door." The door swung open to reveal you with red, bloodshot eyes. You had been crying. "Oh B my god are you okay?"

You pushed Bucky away as he tried to step inside with his arms outstretched. Tears welled up in your eyes again. "No no no! Don't do this Buck. I can't right now."

"Oh B please don't cry! If you just let me in it's okay."

"It's not okay! It never will be okay!" You were practically screaming at him. "I stabbed you Bucky! How is that okay in any way?"

"I'm fine though it's healing already. It was nothing! You want to let me in?"

You wiped tears away from your eyes as you closed the door behind him, "yeah THIS time. What happens next time? I freak out again and get you in the head or the heart! What then!"

"I trust you B. You wouldn't ever seriously hurt me."

"Oh unlike you then, a few choice words and you are him again and you do worse with your bare hands! I can't trust you!"

"Seriously B? That's a low blow. To say now you don't trust me! You trusted me alright last night when you were pretty much begging me to fuck you!"

"I do not beg! Ever!"

"You think you are above me don't you? Like being with me was lowering yourself? You haven't even asked me how I am!"

Oh god, he was right. After all he was the one who had been stabbed and you were caught up in your own complicated head. Your shoulders slumped as the defensiveness left you and you just felt....defeated. Defeated by your past, defeated by your situation. You began sobbing. The look in his eyes. Even after this he looked at you with such intense affection in a way no one else ever had, and you doubted ever would. Bucky looked at you like you were the single most precious gift on earth.

"Buck, I....I can't believe I stabbed you, are you, okay?" You reached out and placed a hand on his forearm. Feeling his solid arm real to the touch you collapsed into his chest seeking comfort in him. Your face pressed against his chest and you felt more at home than you ever had in your entire life.

"Look it's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about that now and just let me be here for you." his arms wrapped around you as he placed a kiss on the top of your head.

"I can't do that Buck." You weren't sure which was worse, saying those words or seeing the rejection on his face as you looked up at him.

"After how everything has been between us you say this now?"

"Yes because that was before I stabbed you! For that moment Bucky you were him and I would have killed you to get you away! I was back...there...again...." You pulled away from the warm embrace.

"You won't ever be there again B, ever, I won't let it!"

"I have never known anything so complicated before. We are a match made in hell! We should not be at all!"

"Yet you can't deny how you feel. How right it all is when is just us in the silent solitude of night."

"Go Bucky. Please Just go." You pushed him away towards the door.

"B please!"

"No no no. I can't do this I can't fucking do it! It hurts so much to not be around you yet it is just so fucked!" You clenched your t-shirt as the pain shot through your chest. Your heart shattering into a million pieces as you looked at this man and said the words. Deep in your heart it felt wrong to say.

"B you can do it! We can do it!" Bucky's voice grew emotional.

"I need space. I need to be alone. I can't think!" Yours eyes clenched shut trying to block it all out. "Please if you feel anything at all you will just go!"

"Fine! I will go! But only because I love you B and when you are ready to talk come find me. I will be waiting." Bucky turned and shut the door behind him hearing you sob. It pained him not going to you and scooping you up into his arms.Where you should be, where you belonged.

Bucky let out a growl as he flung the flowers hard at the wall still keeping a grip on them. Over and over he lashed out with them. You hadn't even looked at them. You were so caught up in your own head. What else could he do? He couldn't force you to get over what had happened that morning.

 Sam walked round the corner and came to a sudden stop taking in the scene. He could see the rage on Bucky's face and the rain storm of petals everywhere. He took slow steps to the obviously angered man. 

"So," Sam spoke softly. "She stabs you and still has you bringing her flowers?" 

"Just stop talking Sam."

"I'm just saying man, maybe it's time to accept the fact she won't ever accept you being here."

Bucky's clench on the already destroyed flowers tightened, "I said stop talking!"

"That's on her though not you! You may not have a fan club here....but out there...on missions you have shown who you are now. Stop looking for redemption with her when you don't need it."

Bucky rushed at Sam with his chest puffed out and with his full height. He grabbed Sam by the shirt and pushed him up against the wall. He saw that glimmer in fear in Sam's eyes, the look of fear it seemed he could never escape. "I fucking told you to stop talking!"

"Shit man I'm sorry just trying to look out for you!

Bucky let go of the man and began to walk off with rage in each and every step. Bucky flung the flowers at your door. They scattered every where leaving a mess covering the floor and a confused Sam rubbing at his chest where Bucky had grabbed his top. 

 

* * *

 

 Natasha poured herself a coffee in the kitchen as footsteps became louder signaling someone's presence. She looked up  to see Steve. She begane to smile but saw the seriously look how his face. Nat froze and turned to look at him coffee pot still in hand, "What is it?"

"You know don't you."

"About what?"

"Bucky....and B." Steve crossed his arms in front of him.

"What do I know exactly Steve?"

"Don't play games and feign ignorance when you know what it is I'm talking about."

"Fine," Nat went back to making her coffee. "So what If I know."

"Why wouldn't Bucky tell me? I'm so confused."

"Why WOULD he tell you?" Natasha took a sip from the steaming mug.

"I am his best friend! We have no secrets! I Can't believe he wouldn't tell me, talk to me about it."

"You sound awfully worked up about it Steve, Maybe that's why he didn't tell you?"

"I'm not worked up....I'm....worried. Concerned." Steve sighed as he sank down on to a stool at the breakfast bar."I can't look out for him here if I don't know what's the matter. He is here because of me I should be the one he can talk to not keep secrets from."

"He's not some wounded animal you brought back here to heal. He's a person, with his own thoughts and feelings. Let the poor baby injured bird fly Steve. Can't keep him in a cage for ever."

"So you have no issues with what they are doing, what B is doing to him?"

"Bucky is free to walk away any time he wants! Don't put this all on her shoulders! It's not your business! If he want's to talk to you about it he would but I suggest you stay out of it and let them be. One way or another it will play out and your support your friend regardless!"

"So now we are going to argue of it?" Steve raised his voice.

"No we are going to stay out of that, is that clear Rogers!?"

Steve stood up with a screech of the bar stool and stormed off out of the kitchen, "Perfectly!"


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vague couple Endgame mentions. So potential spoilers.
> 
> You run into the last person you would suspect changing the course of history.

As you and Natasha walked at a brisk pace she passed you a brown paper folder. You pulled out a sheet of white paper and frowned at the contents. "Seriously Nat, this is it? Everything we have on the women? Saskia?"

"What can I say. She is like me and you. She is a ghost. A shadow. This is all we have. A Russian spy and hit women." Natasha sighed continuing the fast pace.

"So where are we starting?" You frowned handing the paper and envelope back to your best friend and colleague. 

"Well," Natasha pressed a lift button as she spoke to you. "We need to know what she is doing in New York. If she's here it's not for sight seeing."

"Any suspected targets?"

"Not a clue. Me? You? The guy who runs that coffee shop you like?"

"She touches him I'll god damn hunt her down and interrogate her myself!" You smirked as the redhead raised and eye brow at you.

"But B, what would you miss, him or his coffee? What's even his name?"

"Shut up Nat. I'm not interested in him. He just has the best frappes and flavoured coffees. Why do you think it's sweater and ugg boot basic bitch filled? He makes damn good coffee. He is called John by the way."

Natasha had a cheeky gleam in her eye as you both exited the modern, very metal and very shiny lift. "First name basis?"

"What?! He gives me free coffees now...after he saw me on the news." The both of you continued the fast purposeful stride. "A thank you for helping others. He basically called me a hero."

"Well, what about him then?"

You frowned confused, "What what about him."

"You know."

"Nat!" Your mouth gapped open. "I'm not interested in John! Not in a million years. Plus I think he might be gay."

"So not interested, got it, made your point!" Natasha pulled a set of car keys out of her black leather jacket as you neared the garage that housed an assortment of sports cars, vans and motorcycles. Vehicles for a variety of needs. You had a feeling either she was going to bring up coffee shop guy again, or she had just mentioned him to fish for information. To see if you would bring up a certain guy named Bucky.

Having parked up and ordering coffees you and Nat sat at a table inside a cafe. A cafe with large windows. Large windows that over looked a hotel. The hotel that Saskia had been traced to.

Taking a sip you frowned as you glanced over to the building. "You don't think she will spot us here Natasha? I mean come on she knows you and I am sure if she has kept up with you, she knows who I am."

"That's why we aren't sat in a parked car waiting. Or stood outside the building. This place is fairly busy she won't be keeping tabs on this many customers. Hopefully."

"So tell me about her."

"I'd rather not discuss it B."

"Well just tell me about her....not the rest if it." You smiled sympathetically at her not wanting to push her.

"Saskia was always a pretty petite little thing. But she was fast and could turn on the charm. She was good....real good." Natasha stared down at her hot drink, stirring it when it was well and truly stirred." She was better than me. I envied her. But here I am now and there she is stilling doing their dirty work."

"Nat! Don't look, be subtle is that her?!" You watched as a glamorous blonde stepped out of the building smiling at the door man. Large, round sunglasses obscured her eyes. The blonde hair possibly a wig. But you knew. The beige trench coat could easily be hiding a few guns or knifes. Flat shoes easy to run in. 

"Yeah that's her. Let's go." Natasha stood up quickily picking up her coffee to finish the last few slips. She slammed it down hastily causing it to clink and clank. You followed her letting her take the lead. There was history here even if you didn't know the full extent. As Saskia rounded the corner it allowed you to speed up without risking her spotting you. Down several streets you both followed in silence. 

"Fuck," you muttered as she turned round causally. You were sure she had spotted you by how quickly she turned her head back around. 

"Just keep on her heels she might not of spotted us." 

"She's speeding up now Nat...."

"Shit shit shit! She's seen us cover blown." Both you and Natasha sped up managing Saskia's quickening pace. The blond turned round again definitely clocking you guys this time. She began jogging then outright running. Saskia didn't care as she pushed people out of the way with you and Nat hot on her heels. 

Saskia turned down into an alley which you followed her down. A loud bang echoed off of the brick walls. Instinctively you ducked before you even registered it was a gun shot. Natasha shot back rapidly as the blonde ducked behind a pile of trash. 

"Saskia!" Natasha called out. "Put the gun down. We can talk."

Saskia laughed as she leant round to try and get in a shot, "You, Natasha, talk first shoot second? You gone soft here with your Americans."

Before you could pull out your own gun you felt a hand on your forearm, a strong and tight grip. Instinctively you attempted to pull away but it held tighter. The grip pulled at you as you were already unsteady crouching. With force swinging you like a rag doll you were slammed into a brick wall. You felt then heard a crunch as your ankle twisted. Before you could see your attacker a second cracking sound rang out in your ears as pain shot through your skull. Then there was only blackness. It had happened so fast. You felt your body falling but were unable to stop it as you slipped away. Last things you heared was shots being fired then a familiar male voice. You were out cold unaware of what had just happened or the outcome. 

The sense of time passing distorted left you even the more dazed and confused as you came round. Where were you? What happened? You blinked frowning at the bright light. Slowly you opened your eyes to see you were still in the alleyway laying on the concrete floor. Someone was cradling your head in their arms though. Blinking again a face came into your vision, blurred at first your vision came into focus as the concerned face lent over you.

"Oh B, oh thank god! I panicked, I tried to pull you out of the alley!" 

"Bucky?!" You tried to push yourself up out of his strong arms but felt dizzy and sick as you r head fell back down into his hold. Why was Bucky here? And why did he look so....different.

He blinked as a tear escaped from his eye, it rolled down his face landing on your cheek. Gently he wiped it away leaving you all the more confused. "It's, it's me, I'm Bucky. But not your Bucky. I'm a Bucky...that makes no sense. I'm sorry. I know. Let's just get you sorted first.

"Where is Natasha?!"

"She went to go get the car to take you back to base." Another tear escaped down the man's face.

"Saskia?" 

"Dead. Don't worry about her."

Weakly you pushed yourself up to a sitting position coming face to face with the man sat on the floor with you. He looked different. His clothing an odd suit of some kind. His face thinner. Hair different and stubble longer. He looked sad, very, very sad.

"Buck, I don't understand. What happened? Why are you crying?"

He placed a hand on your face gently, his face looked a confusion of sadness and relief. "Just...it's just you B. I never thought I would see you again."

"Buck. We live next door to each other."

"You see in my reality...you died."

"I know I hit my head...but....huh?" The pain in your head left you in no mood for jokes.

"I'm from a different timeline...it's a long story...but me and Steve are having to put something right in the past. More like some things back from where they were taken. I'm from the future B."

"This your idea of a joke?!" 

"You died here. You were shot in the chest B. You bled out here on this concrete slumped against a dumpster. And I wasn't there to save you that time, but I'm here now B." Gently Bucky pulled you into an embrace forcing your head into his chest. He stroked your hair as he continued talking. "I couldn't let that happen B. When given the chance I had to come back, I had to stop it. Your death destroyed me."

"Okay...this is just so much to take in." Your face was the definition of dazed and confused as each time he spoke it grew more confusing.

"I'm sorry B I wasn't supposed to come I just had to. I spent my time after you with a black cloud looming over me. I just never got over it." Bucky pulled back to cup your face in his hands. His face looked so sincere. "God B even more beautiful than I remember. I love you...he loves you. When you died all I remembered was how bad things had been. How we left things. I regretted it so much. If I knew those would of been our last words. Everything was empty after you died. That's why Natasha had sacrificed herself in the hope she would be with you in death. She felt the same void I did without you."

"Nat's dead?!" You pushed him away panicked.

"No YOUR Nat isn't...mine is...it's just it doesn't matter. All that matters is you are here now." Bucky started laughing. "It worked. You're safe. It's okay now B. It will all be okay. You won't die here. No Thanos. No soul stone."

Bucky pulled you foreward to kiss your forehead. He smiled as he pressed his lips against your skin. He couldn't help but inhale you one more time. Your shampoo, your perfume, your shower gel, everything mingling to form the familar scent he knew as you. Bucky felt guilt that over time he had forgotten that smell but it came back to him filling his nostrils with love and nostalgia.

"So much to explain and I can't. I have to go now B." Bucky traced his fingers down your face, as they reached your lips you gently kissed his finger tips. Looking into his eyes you saw him, you saw Bucky and you saw how he had changed. How his eyes looked sadder, more lines around the edges, face more gaunt, a handsome man but with an aura of sadness to him. He was looking at you like you were some kind miracle. 

"You are fucking serious aren't you?" You searched his eyes for any hints that this man could be lying to you. "Jesus. This is insane. You know this sounds insane."

"Hey I'm how old with a metal arm? This kinda thing is my new normal. I better go soon B. I've messed more than I was meant to. If I start messing things up even more...." This version of Bucky slowly stood up releasing all contact with you. You still felt his warmth of your cheek. You were hoping that was a sign it was not a hallucination.

"Wait, Bucky. I feel like I should be asking you questions, I just can't think what." You winced touching your forehead as it began to throb.

Bucky smiled. "Probably for the best.Things you should not know. Things that have yet to come to pass. Things that never will."

"Buck," slowly you stood up to stand face to face with him. "Are you, are you okay?"

"I will be now. Knowing you are alive. Even if i can't have you....at least I know.....somewhere in some time, you are okay. And that that Bucky is going to cherish and adore you. He won't know the heartbreak I suffered."

You grabbed his arm, "I did something though, I stabbed you."

"And I didn't care." He gently brushed a strand of hair from your face tucking it behind your ear. "I was just worried about you. You were all I cared about B. I'd of risked being stabbed every day if it meant I got to hold you. I loved you. I loved you so much."

"Will things ever work between me and you?"

Bucky shrugged, "You died. I don't know. You at least have a chance now. Even if you never go back to me it's still better than loosing you completely."

"It's just all so....difficult. It seams easy when I'm with him, you, then after it seems to go to shit."

"The best things in life aren't always easy, they make the end result even sweeter when you put in the effort. If you go to him he won't ever turn you away. That I promise you."

You stepped closer to this Bucky slowly in silence. His eyes searched yours. Hungrily taking you in in amazement with a deep longing stare. So intense it made eye contact hard. Gingerly you placed your arms around his body loosly. Instantly Bucky reacted by holding you tighter, a needful sadness in the embrace. You felt the heat radiate from his chest in a way you were so familar with. This was Bucky.....yet not Bucky all at the same time. It was hard to separate it as not being your Bucky, well, hard to even believe in the first place.

 "Thank you Buck, thank you. Anything you could do with time travel and it's ME you go to. I guess he does care about me a lot?" 

Bucky laughed and cupped your face with his metal hand. "I wouldn't risk changing anything that would stop me getting to you. Your worth it, worth all of it. I love you B. I loved you more than you would ever know an it pains me to walk away now."

"I'd say stay....but what would I do with two of you pains in the ass." You smirked. 

"That's what I need to remember. You are his not mine.I lost my B but here you are alive and kicking so he has a chance of a future with you. It's hard but I have to go." Slowly he lowered his head to gently kiss you. Everything about this moment was coated in a layer of sadness and you could taste it on his tongue. 

You pulled away slightly, "Bucky you really loved her didn't you."

"You make it sound like it's so hard to believe, truth is it was easy to fall in love with you just harder to keep loving you. You never exactly made it simple. I never stopped, just that it wasn't easy. But don't doubt it for a second. Believe it. Moment I walked on to this base I was doomed to fall for you." Bucky reluctantly pulled away from you. "I have to go. Please go and talk to your Bucky."

You wiped away a tear with the sleeve of your jacket. "I will. I promise. Goodbye Bucky Barnes. I hope you can find happiness where ever it is you return to. Thank you."

"Goodbye B. Stay safe."  Bucky started walking backwards reluctant to take his eyes off of you. He then turned around and picked up the pace as he jogged out of sight. Part of you still convinced this was a joke of some kind. You sat back against the wall feeling weak and nauseas waiting for Natasha's return. 

"Hey! Hey B!" Nat called out to you as she got out of the car by the entrance to the alleyway.

"Did you see him Nat? I didn't imagine him did I?" You reached your arm out so Nat could grab your hand pulling you up. 

"Apparently that was very real. While you were out of it Bucky number two gave me a very brief rundown. I'm just glad he was here." Natasha opened the passanger door for you to get in. "Don't bleed in Tony's car."

You hadn't even realised blood was trickling down your forehead. "Shit. So you believe him then?"

"He seemed very sincere. Part of me is still skeptical....but he was different...and the device he had. Is it that crazy?"

"Nat..." You turned to her with tears in your eyes as she faced ahead starting the car.

"Yes B?" She heard your voice wobble with emotion. She glanced quickly seeing your bottom lip quiver. 

"He said you were dead....that after I died you died. Oh god Nat I'm just...what would I do with out you Nat...." Nat reached over and patted your leg.

"Shh B. I know. I know B don't spill out your emotions here to me now. Go spill them out to a certain someone. You don't need to speak B and I know, I know you and you don't have to tell me when I already know. Others do need to hear it though."

You blinked back tears and sniffed, you and Nat never discussed emotions. It was a mutual understanding between two trained killers. Locking away emotions made it easier to get the job done, something you had both been taught from a young age. That was the beauty of such a friendship forged in blood and pain. Emotions were beginning to surface more and more often and not just the usual anger. Because of Bucky everything was because of Bucky and maybe it took nearly dying to admit defeat and give in, truly and finally give in. Look at him, he was THE hottest guy to walk the earth and you had got to ride on that. He was loyal. He was strong. He was moral. He was kind. He was.....yours.

The two of you discussed the future alternate Bucky further as she drove you back to base. The minute you arrived Nat insisted you get checked out. A quick once over and you were given the all clear but told not to be left alone. The rest of the day Natasha stayed by your side. She cooked for you. Watched a film with you. Looked after you even when she didn't need to. Sisters. With everything with Bucky you realised how much you had neglected this friendship. Bucky took up everything in your mind and maybe it was time to create more of a mental balance. 

You glanced over at your 'sister', the blanket you guys shared on the couch pulled up to her chin. The film on the television screen the only light illuminating her. She looked tired, and concerned. Perhaps it was time to let her have some time off duty. 

"Nat,' you spoke quietly. You smiled seeing her eyes jolt awake. "Wake up."

"I am awake..." Her voice came out drowsy.

"Are you even watching this film? Look go to bed."

"But Docs orders B...keep an eye...." Her voice began trailing away.

"Yes Nat and there are other people on base who can babysit me.  Maybe Wanda....or Bucky."

Natasha smiled as she slowly stretched. So you were going to go to Bucky for the night. She had a feeling that was where the day would end but had not wanted to say it knowing how stubborn you could be, it had to be your idea. "Fine. If he's not up for baby sitting duties then let me know. Don't want you left alone tonight."

Pushing the blanket off you got up with sleepy wobbly legs. "Thank you Nat....thank you."

"Anytime B!" Nat called out as you walked off. Unsaid gratitude seeping through your words and she knew it. She knew acknowledging it would make you feel awkward.

The base was quiet as you slowly made your way up to the floor that housed both you and Bucky. You felt your heart hammer in your chest. You paused reaching your door. Your hand reached for your door handle. You could go in, get into your own bed, alone, and feel Nat's wrath in the morning. Or you could keep walking...go to the door right next to yours. Fuck it. You kept walking. Taking a deep breath your knuckles gently knocked on the door. Perhaps he hadn't heard, maybe he wasn't even in. The panicked and jittery feeling in your chest felt so familiar but you squashed it down. You and Bucky had been on the edge for so long and every time it ended up falling away. Maybe finally at last, at long last you were tired of the falling. A wake up call from near death could do that to a person. You hoped you had not pushed him away one to many times. 

The door slowly opened. You looked down at the floor to see Bucky's bare feet. His voice groggily spoke surpised to see you. "B?!"

Looking up into his eyes you nodded forgetting you still had dried blood on your face.  "Bucky?"

 


End file.
